When the queens enter the workroom, Willam immediately claims Madame’s hangers. Madame La Queer has scrawled on the mirror in lipstick: “Chad, Sharon, Milan, Dita = True Friends.” Awww that’s sweet, Madame. It’s a shame you spelled your friend DiDa’s name wrong. Willam says she doesn’t care. Willam, NO1CURR. “It’s a new day,” says Milan. Latrice is feeling good about her win: “America’s next drag superstar will be a big bitch!” As long as she’s you, Latrice, I am all for this. Okay, let’s see what else went down during last night’s episode!
You’ve Got She-Mail & Mini Challenge
Ru appears on screen, and she’s name-checking every game show you can think of. Ooh gworl. We know what’s coming for the main challenge, but first things first: the mini challenge. They’re going to play “Beat the Cock,” a series of chicken themed challenges. The winner will get a call home. There are three qualifying rounds and a final round in which the queens must transport eggs safely to a basket by carrying them between their legs. Phi Phi’s soft, shapeless thighs do the job.
Main Challenge
It’s time for The Motherfucking Snatch Game. Ru clues the queens in, and they erupt into cheers and begin to get ready. Phi Phi gives Chad the phone call home that she won. “See? You’re not a complete bitch,” Latrice says. I wish I could agree, but I just don’t trust Phi Phi. It feels calculated, like she’s going to use it as leverage at some point down the line, despite her protestations. She swears up and down that Chad doesn’t owe her anything. Nothing’s phree, Phi Phi. Sharon announces that she’ll be impersonating Michelle Visage, and this seems to make everyone uneasy. Phi Phi of course says that the judges will finally see how untalented Sharon is! Oh, Phi Phi. Simple Phi Phi. Angry, ugly Phi Phi. When will you learn? Jiggly thinks Chad talks about Cher too much. Whatever, Jiggly. You talk too much, period.
RuPaul makes her workroom visit. Phi Phi tells Ru she’ll be impersonating Gaga. “You’re making it sound very simple, but I think it may be a little more difficult.” Phi Phi cuts Ru off, telling her she’s been hired all over the United States to do Gaga, blah blah blah. You know, I originally thought Alicia Summers (Was that her name?) was going to be the Carmen of this season, but she didn’t last more than an episode so it was hard to tell. Really, Phi Phi seems more like the Carmen of this season. Does anyone actually believe that clubs all over this great land are booking Phi Phi, just begging her to come and do her Lady Gaga impersonation? Yeah, me neither. Remember when Carmen claimed that Marc Anthony invited her to J-Lo’s birthday bash and asked her to come in drag as Jennifer? This thing feels like that thing. Oh, the lies. The delusions of grandeur. The lack of self-awareness. It is to laugh.
Kenya will be impersonating Beyonce, and this is clearly a ticking time bomb. Beyonce doesn’t speak in a thick Puerto Rican accent, Kenya. Is that what you hear when she talks, babe? Willam will be Jessica Simpson, and I just get a good feeling about her ability to pull this off very well. Milan plans on impersonating Diana Ross. Ru has concerns since she did so poorly last week, but I think Milan could very well redeem herself. Milan parrots the line Max said last week, about it being better to be told to dial it back than to be told to amp it up.
Chad will of course be Cher, and she’s the one I’m most excited to see. Sharon tells Ru she’s impersonating Michelle Visage. “Oh. Well you know you’re supposed to be portraying a woman,” Ru says. Oh snap–nothing like ribbing one of your good squirrel-friends. Ru says it’s quite a risk–she’s right, and for the first time I’m a little worried that Sharon may not be able to turn a risk into a successful chance worthwhile of taking. The guest judges are Ross Matthews and Loretta Devine.
Chad really does look like Cher. Damn, it’s impressive, and she has the voice down and errything. Sharon is actually very funny as Michelle. She pushes it just to the edge of cruel but doesn’t go overboard. Kenya is horrible. Sleeping, falling, shrieking. I don’t what. Milan’s Diana Ross is so bad–if Diana Ross was crack whore, then yes, this is what she’d look like. Milan, this is not what Max meant about going for it and being told to dial back. Phi Phi is awful–I don’t get Gaga from her at all. She has one or two gestures Gaga might be known for doing in her stage act, but that doesn’t make a personality, and everything else about Phi Phi’s impersonation is boring and stupid. Latrice doesn’t really register as Aretha Franklin, and the food/fat joke feels kind of played.
Jiggly is actually kind of funny as Snooki, until she goes over the top and then she’s disgusting. We don’t see too much of Willam, but she’s pretty funny as the vacant Jessica Simpson. After the challenge, Latrice expresses her disapproval of some of the queens going too far over the top. Jiggly apologizes and admits she made a mistake. Phi Phi, of course, does not. Kenya probably doesn’t even understand what Latrice is saying. Chad gets to call his boyfriend and wish him a happy anniversary, and it’s totally sweet and maybe I got a touch misty. Oh, Chad, we love you, don’t ever change. Back in the workroom, Phi Phi says she liked her Gaga, and that’s all that mattered. Yes, Phi Phi, this is why you’ll never improve because you don’t care about honest critiques: you have no self-awareness. You’re horrible, and I can’t wait to see you sashay away!
Main Stage
Ru tells the judges (Michelle, Santino and the guests) that the queens are “dressed to impress.”
Jiggly Caliente: It looks like a cross between a nightgown and a quinceañera gown. Her hair and makeup are pretty good. Jiggly, say your prayers because your days are numbered.
Chad Michaels: Her giraffe bodysuit is a pretty cool, out-of-the-box fashion statement, and the bright yellow wig is unexpected.
Milan: “Bruno Mars on Red Bull,” Michelle calls it. Yes, we can see she’s going for Janelle Monáe, but the suit isn’t tailored properly, and unless you’re going to get the clothing fitted the right way, do not try to pull that look off, Milan. You had another bad week, girlfriend.
Willam: Leather and lace. This is honestly the best she’s looked on the main stage thus far. It’s just a great look for her. Yes, it has elements of 90s (as she explains in the voiceover), but it doesn’t feel dated in that sense.
Phi Phi O’Hara: She looks a mess. Her makeup is gross, the stones tacked to her face look askew. I just can’t stand this bitch’s look. Ru calls her shoulder pads “$25,000 pyramids.” More like 25 cents, and haven’t we seen them before?
DiDa Ritz: The teddy bear skirt could have been cute, but it’s just not that well executed. Her makeup and hair are finally improved a bit so she doesn’t look so manly, but she’s still not a favorite. Too little too late. You’ll be joining Jiggly on the SS See You Later.
Kenya Michaels: The boxing costume is cute, but I’m starting to feel like she has a comfort zone, and she doesn’t leave it. She doesn’t really push any boundaries.
Sharon Needles: I loooove her post-plastic surgery drag. Her dress sort of mimics bandages, and the syringe is a perfect prop. Once again Ms. Needles impresses.
Latrice Royale: She looks gorgeous in her royal blue gown. Gag on her eleganza!
RuPaul’s Best Main Stage One Liner: (about Sharon Needles) “Just a little prick in the mouth!”
Michelle praises Sharon for her impersonation–Ms. Needles proves week after week that she has the skills to make it to the end of this thing. Phi Phi gets read. As does Kenya. Willam too, to a certain extent. They feel Willam puts up a wall and diffuses all situations with humor, which she does, but up to now it’s been pretty enjoyable. Willam says, “Feelings are for ugly people.” Willam, what did they just say to you about putting up a barrier with humor and not letting people in? When the ladies come back out to find out whether they are safe or in the bottom, Willam is declared safe, and she breaks down and fake cries. Willam, that was not cute. If you can’t be real, don’t fake it.
Lip-Synch for Your Life
Kenya Michaels and Milan are in the bottom and must lip-synch some Madonna if they hope to impress the judges and stay alive in the competition.
Kenya’s moves are solid, but she has trouble with the lyrics–her mouth gets a little ‘peas and carrots, watermelon bubblegum.’ Milan’s moves are a little strange at first, but she works it pretty well, and she’s actually dressed right for the Vogue video. It’s a close call, but in the end Milan stays, and Kenya Michaels sashays away. Milan better shape up next week or she’s going to go for round three.
Untucked
We get to see some footage from the main stage that didn’t make it into the episode. Ru warns the safe girls that safe is not going to get them to the end. In the Interior Illusions Lounge, Latrice expresses her disappointment in the girls again. Jiggly apologizes once more for getting carried away. Latrice says she needed “five Gs please.” That stands for: Good God Get A Grip Girl. I think we need to start using this on Crasstalk.
They talk about how Milan was terrible. Jiggly especially seems kind of grossed out that she looked like a boy, and I just don’t understand what is at the root of Jiggly’s gender discomfort. Remember her saying it’s “disgusting” for a drag queen to date another queen? I just don’t get it. Maybe that’s what’s at the root of her self-loathing? Sorry, I don’t mean to get all armchair psychologist, but she has some real issues with gender, don’t you think? Not to mention, it’s just not a pretty picture when she’s out of drag. Is that part of it? I don’t know.
They go into the Gold Room. They’re tasked with impersonating one another. They have some hearty laughs–it is pretty funny how well they know each other’s quirks just five episodes in–and have a good time. I was glad it didn’t get too heavy, especially given the tears that will follow soon.
Once all the queens are together, Kenya tries to explain why she did what she did. It sounds like a lot of excuses to my ears, and Sharon pretty much says so. Kenya cries, and then everyone becomes emotional. Willam even pretends to feel something too. A fairly sappy Untucked. When oh when will we get to the showdown between Phi Phi and Willam? It’s the one everyone is waiting for, and we need it now.
C.U.N.T. and C U Next Tuesday
Charisma: Chad Michaels, for her awesome Cher impersonation and her dazzling main stage look.
Uniqueness: Sharon Needles, for her crazy plastic surgery main stage look.
Nerve: Sharon Needles, for taking a big risk and impersonating Michelle Visage in The Snatch Game.
Talent: Chad Michaels again, because even though the other queens may joke about how frequently she says it, she truly is a professional.
C U Next Tuesday: Do you even have to guess who I’m putting here? No, you don’t because it’s Phi Phi once again. She continues to try to cut Sharon Needles down when it’s become obvious week in and week out that Sharon is a far more talented and original queen. She has no self-awareness and can’t admit when she’s fucked up. Phi Phi does not have the talent to back up her epic ego and attitude. It’s going to be delicious when she’s finally told to sashay away.
