Remember 2004 when Kate Hudson was that plucky, scowly, little rosy cheeked spawn-of-Hawn cherub? Yes, her movies were a cutesy explosion of sweatpants and Häagen-Dazs girly fluff-porn. Yeah, well, fast forward eight years to a horrible economy, and an Emma Stone and Jessica Chastain world later, and Kate here is still flopping around holding on to that rom-com branch for all she’s worth.
This movie is no exaggeration, cue the lady-centric intro music that says something like, “Girl, You Better Do Your Thing, Uh-huh, Uh-huh” while she slams down a cup of coffee, jumps on a bicycle, gets all sassy, and tosses condoms around! It is exactly the kind of movie that just screams for a shirtless Matthew McConaughey, yes? Absofuckinglutely! We just imagine her name is something like Darcy, or Riley, or Haile, or Holly, or, oh, wait, there it is…it’s MARLEY! Of course it is. Wasn’t this a dog in another movie? Whatever! Onward! We need a love interest. In walks a cute doctor! Ok. What about some sort of conflict? There are no cute kids around, or a plain Jane best friend, or a comical yet disastrous mother/mother-in-law talking about her sex life…um, how about CANCER! Sure, sure that will work.
Later, an uncomfortable comment about sex (uh-oh, Marley likes the peen-dongs), Whoopi Goldberg shows up as God, Kathy Bates pounds some raw meat, Kate Hudson says “suck ass” while doing some sort of palsy-ridden, shoulder-shruggy street bop (urgh), and then the music changes to a twangy song that screeches, “We’re Falling in Love. Get out of our way you other loveless monkeys!” as she spins around on a cloud of rainbows and Klonopin with fill-in-some-guy-here.
Snooze, yawn, bored. This is a Hallmark channel movie, and Kate Hudson is awful in everything now. Don’t go see this. This is that movie that comes on cable that you thought was that other movie starring anybody else, but isn’t, and you realize this twenty-five minutes in when you hit the “info” button before popping in your Downton Abbey DVD.
