I am officially starting The Crasstalk Bad Song Contest. I got this idea from Jerrod’s Awful Songs column. I was also inspired by Dave Barry’s classic “Bad Song” column (yes, I know this makes me an old). This feature generated more mail than anything he ever did To quote “Americans care about song badness.” It’s been about 20 years since the original column. The entertainment world has gifted us with so much bad music during those two decades. It’s time to revisit the contest.
Here are the ground rules:
- The song has to be popular enough to be embraced by the masses. Whether it is inspired misguided love, misplaced lust or unrequited patriotism, the song had to be popular. Otherwise, local bands could easily dominate this category.
- Some songs transitioned from bad to sinister through constant radio play (I’m looking at you, Train). These should definitely be contenders.
- No faith-inspired songs because that’s too easy.
- Children’s music is out otherwise The Fresh Beat Band would win and there would be no point in a contest.
Here are some of my, personal nominations.
C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) Quad City DJ’s. I hate this song so much that sometimes it comes to me in the middle of the night. This song is on the soundtrack to hell. I’m positive of it.
We Built this City – Starship . Jarrod also nominated this song. This song terrorized a generation. I remember a good five year span during which I was forced to listen to this song at least once a day. The greatest advantage that youth of today has is that they haven’t had to listen to this song.
Butterfly Kisses – Bob Carlisle. He should be penalized merely for haunting every wedding reception I’ve been to since 1997. His voice is also too weak for this song.
Feed Jake – Pirates of the Mississippi: It’s catchy, it’s sappy and it includes the refrain: “If I die before I wake feed Jake. He’s been a good dog.” You can jump to about 1:18 if you want to get straight to the magic. This song is the musical equivalent of “Marley and Me”. Also, consider skipping to around 3:47 t for the funeral scene where the dog lays down on the grave.
McArther Park – Diana Summer. This was the original Dave Barry bad song contest winner. I think it’s still a contender. There are so few songs about wet pastry.
I’m Yours – Jason Mraz. Get your head out of your ukulele and pay attention to your lyrics. “It’s our godforsaken right to be loved” does not make any damn sense. I can’t believe that English majors the world over haven’t rioted because of this song.
So, if you guys want to put nominations up, I’ll compile some votes on the worst songs ever. Get your nominations in by Friday, August 19th and I’ll compile the results for this weekend. Then, we vote on the worst of the worst.
