My little chickens, are we really back here again? How quickly the time flies from season to season. It seems like just yesterday that Mondo was robbed. Ah well. The pen, having written, moves on, and so do we. On the other hand, Miss Heidi cashed her check from the Lady Parts Network so she’s ready to crank up this production and watch the bodies fall. As always, recaps are chock full O spoilers, so read at your own peril.
Are we really “going to shake things up” again, just like we did last season? Well, not exactly like last season. This time Heidi exhibits serious Schadenfreude Face as she tells us that 20 designers were invited, 16 move to Atlas and 4 are eliminated before the first challenge.
The First Cut
Immediately we start with the weird. Are the judges setup in a hotel lobby? No, my friends, they are judging this in a wine store. Well, I suppose Michael and Nina might need a cocktail by the time this process is over, so why not go where there’s plenty of liquor available? Let’s hope Bert doesn’t get the sweats while waiting his turn.
Highlights: Uniball is wearing a crazy knit scarf, which Heidi tries to persuade him to give to her. This is our first sighting of Heidi Crazy Eyes this season. Thanks for not making us wait, Heidi!
When Anya shows her garments, she admits she had a lot of help putting them together, and that she’s only been sewing for 4 months. Tim inspects her garments and shows off the perfect stitching. He says she’s either a wunderkind or a cheater and does NOT look pleased.
“Straight” Mormon Josh shows us a dress the color of dried blood with giant inverted pleats stolen from Leanne’s collection two seasons ago. He cops to being an ex banker. This one is going to spiral out of control, I just know it. Amanda Perna shows a piece of clothing which she says she hates. Interesting choice there. Gunnar shows off his Kentucky Derby couture and oh em gee it’s Kayne. Michael Kors is visibly not pleased. Nina gives Gunnar such a stink-eye, I don’t think Clorox would get rid of it.
Which four will go? David, Gunnar, Serena and “gna gna gna gna” Amanda. There’s a cute moment where they tell Anya “You’d better make it work, possible faker lady.” Serena tells us she put off her wedding to attend this event and says “I can fly to Iceland any time.” Well, I guess that time is now.
The sewtestants trundle off to the Atlas and “Non Gay Mormon” Josh seems awful gay, when he’s celebrating, doesn’t he? Blecky notices the honeysuckle colored walls and says “Oh I hate pink.” No, Blecky, it’s not pink, it’s honeysuckle, you dummy. It’s the damned color of the year. Get with it.
The First Challenge
At 5:00 the next morning, Tim surprises the contestants, creeping down the hallway in his excellent shoes. He busts into their bedrooms, throws out the first “rally” of the season, and tells them to get up, pull on a bedsheet, and get outside, time to work. I like authoritative Tim. Blecky says she wants to put a brawr on. Yes, Blecky. Please do. The guys and gals, wrapped in sheets, walk through Times Square and get honked at. Shexsay! Once we’re in the workroom, Tim tells the sewtestants they have to use the bedsheet and whatever they are wearing to make an outfit for their model. They can use HP tablets to do their design work. Sweet! I’m writing this on an HP laptop, sipping my Grey Goose and Noilly Prat martini, watching my Vizio LCD TV. Product placement, product placement, product placement, it’s everywhere.
Bert is going to make his poor model wear his boxers. Poor poor model. Wash ya shorts first, Bert! Anya is having some problems working the sewing machine. She’s never made a pair of pants and she’s going to make them for this challenge. She is insane. Anthony Uniball decides he is going to make a belly button vadge. Tim does not support this decision. Fallene appliques some fun vertical stripes on her white dress and the puking clown from her nightshirt is just so very no, no, no. It’s at the bottom of the front of the dress but still. Not necessary. Josh The Mormon is thinking his model never gains weight, ha ha. We know where this leads, don’t we kids? How many busted zippers and seams have we seen in past seasons?
Julie makes snowboard pants because that’s always something the judges love. Don’t they always love big baggly clothes? Sure they do. Rafael says he’s going to work his leopard scarf into his design but he can’t do it right now because he’s got “hot mess hurrr!” Tim gets all “come to Jesus” with Rafael, says he was going to be one of the 4 that went home, and that he needs to straighten up and fly right like pronto, dude. Mmmmkay? After we come back from the commercial, “Hey Ya” Rafael is working that leopard scarf into a necklace. Again, something the judges love. Do these people not watch previous seasons? Anya is sewing sewing sewing, is she failing, failing, failing? She looks so desperate. And now it’s time to style the models. Off to makeup and hair! Product placement, product placement, product placement, it’s everywhere.
The Runway Show
- Josh M — “Nice.” Meh. Black and white dress, simple, basic.
- Barbie Laura — Yucko blech. “Are you speaking foreign?” Dear lord, someone put her over a trap door please. Hit the button, quick.
- Danielle — Great shorts, nice sleeves and insets. Muted color palette, no?
- Viktor — Great hair on his model. Is he stoned to the bone? Does he have perpetual pink-eye? Good construction on his black and white sundress.
- Blecky — The aqua color isn’t the problem with your dress, it’s that inset. It’s borderline vadge-tastic.
- Bryce — Did you really want your model to look like she is an extra on Jersey Shore? Too much gold jewelry. Skirt is whorishly short and the back is .. no.
- Anya — Your top is pieced together well but looks a little rough. Really nice back on the pants.
- Julie — Uh oh the crotch on those pants! And the zipper! Michael Kors will make a naughty joke at your expense.
- Olivier — Kind of plain. Nice lines overall. Nice booty on the skirt. Subtle and well-constructed.
- Kimberly — Oh no! The shirt! The pants! Everything is very tight and gappy and puckery.
- Uniball Anthony — Really? A giant pubic hair design on the skirt. Oh here go hell come. The shirt with its appliques is kinda cute but that skirt earns you a guest shot on “Ow! My Ball!”
- Rafael, Rafael, Rafael — Those pants. The waist is too high, and they are ill fitting. Having the shirt show off the model’s lower belly and the poor fit of the pants is another bad choice.
- Fallene — The black vertical stripes on your white dress show very well on the runway. The clown is just blech and unneccessary.
- Bert — The styling is a little Charlie’s Angels but the overall effect is very “wow,” very upscale Real Housewives of New York. Not bad for boxers and a bedsheet, mister man!
- Josh C The Mormon — horrible construction on the shirt. Just stop, already.
- Cecilia — Everything is too short and the colors Do Not Go together.
Best Comment From The Live Blog
Hey, we’re taking a little commercial break from this here recap to let you know that during the runway presentation, this gem popped up in the live blog.
Well done RobinaTheFirst and Missing Peace. Now, back to the shew.
The Interview
Josh The Mormon Crackhead, Uniball Anthony, “Hey Ya” Rafael, Julie, Anya and Bert were called back onto the runway, everyone else was declared safe for this week.
When they reviewed Uniball Anthony “I’m color blind’s” outfit — no one is saying pubic patch. No one. Why? In fact they are saying they like it. Could the appliques on the shirt have blinded the judges to the pubic patch on the skirt?
The judges say Hey Ya’s pants are too high waisted and then we got the first Bitchy Orange quotable quote of the season. Rafael turned his head scarf into a multi-layered pouchy kind of necklace thing and Miss Kors snapped all over it, calling it: “Flintstone disco pouch.” Ten point oh, Sister Kors, ten point oh.
Attention was turned to Julie’s train wreck pants and shirt for a fifth grader. Once again, Michael Kors fails to disappoint, calling the odd zippered opening in the front of the pants an “I like myself kind of pocket” — Michael is 2 for 2!
Nina asks Anya’s model to turn around and she says she likes the back of the top — is Anya going to win this? And yes, the judges agree that the butt in Anya’s pants looks good. Well done, Anya.
Everybody gushes over Bert’s outfit — Heidi loves it and calls it sexy elegant modern, Nina says it’s adorable, feminine. Sexy. OK, now this contest is a toss up between Anya and Bert.
Josh the Mormon Crackhead gets the rough n’ tough treatment — Christina Ricci points out the crazy crotch, Heidi says she can’t decide, Rafael or Josh, which one is worse, the top is terrible, why did you put extra fabric right in front? Because Josh didn’t think about adding fabric to the sides or the back seam, that’s why. He just plunked his extra fabric right in the front, smack dab in the middle, and used white stitching on an orange shirt, AND had the selvage outside the garment! Josh is an insane crackhead. Just when you thought we were done, here comes the crazy: Josh wanted one of the other contestants to tell him it looked terrible. Is he serious? Nina breaks it down. “Josh, you are in a competition and you give me white shorts and a tank top.” Nina then rips his head off and throws it to the side. Meana Garzilla roars trimphant!
The six sewtestants scurry off the runway and into the stew room. Allegedly heterosexual Mormon Josh goes and gets hugs from all the boys to heal his broken fee-fees.
The Deliberation
Back at the runway — Rafael “Hey Ya” is declared to be “fashion backward,” Julie and her mastur-pants come in third from the bottom. Nina hates the pants with a biblical fury and threatens to decapitate Julie if she ever dares present anything that fugly anywhere ever again.
On the “good news” side of the runway, Anya impressed Nina, Christina agrees and says she really liked Anya’s top. Is Anya going to win this?
Once again, they liked Uniball’s top, but they are still not calling out the pubic skirt. Really.
Michael says Bert had the most interesting garment out of everyone’s, and they call the designers out.
The Winner and Loser
And then! Blood on the runway. Rafael “Hey Ya” is sent packing, and Bert “I’m Not Here To Make Friends” is da winner. Buck up, Anya, you were a close second. Here’s Burt’s post-win interview:
Image credit:
Heidi Klum:
