Life, Death and Violence: A Study of May 11

Little birds, while researching today’s article, we came across some shocking news. Barbie™, everyone’s favorite doll, was, at one time, an SS Hauptsturmführer known as The Butcher of Lyon. She tortured men, women, and children (we assume this is why Kelly™ always looks like she’s afraid of something despite living the glamorous life of a plastic doll in Los Angeles) through electroshock and forcing them to have sex with dogs. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite Special Education Teacher/Paratrooper/Pet Stylist is a murderer who was put on trial for her war crimes today in 1987. We assume she was declared innocent (though, clearly, she wasn’t) as she became President of the United States in 2000, stealing Hilary Clinton’s glory after a previous failed attempt in 1992. Perhaps her crimes were still in the memories of our nation’s peoples. Perhaps that’s why she lost to the nation’s First Black President™, Billiam Clinton.

Anyways, we bring this up because we’re concerned for Ken™. He must have been in Canada during the war and during the trial, because he recently launched a very creepy marketing campaign in a successful bid to win back her heart after she left him for a surfer dude named Blaine™.

Ken, we love you like Tommy Lee loved Pam, so we urge you to look into this. We’re just not sure you know what you’re getting into. Maybe war-crimes are your trigger. We don’t know. We don’t judge. If that’s the case, so be it, but, please don’t allow her to force you to have sex with the schnauzer. We fear you may have been brainwashed like so many before you.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Be afraid! Jesus comes back next Saturday incurring a wrath of Death and Violence for those not in The Book of Life™ (no affiliation with The Game of Life™. Come on, get a Clue™!). We here at Life, Death and Violence, your favorite blog about “history” and What It Means™ and Where The French Went Wrong™ are back with a vengeance and ready to check off that laundry list of items that we need to go over in preparation for The Rapture™. As you know, each time we do this thing in the Schedule That Makes Zero Sense Because It’s Totally Arbitrary and Based on How Lazy We Feel™, we have a theme. Today’s theme is about how you’ll all burn in hell. We are going to make Serial Job Loser Barbie™ melt away like Joseph melts our cold, bitter, worthless hearts.

LIFE!

(Where evil triumphs.)

• 1720: Karl Friedrich Hieronymus, Freiherr von Münchhausen: You know, we’ve talked about some awesome names, but none are as awesome as Baron Münchhausen’s, the man who rode on cannonballs, traveled to the moon and pulled himself out of a swamp by using his own hair. He also starved a bear to death, by jingo! Despite his penchant for telling wildly outrageous and witty stories about adventures he’d had that probably didn’t happen, he was considered highly trustworthy in regards to business affairs. Some British guy (Those Brits!) wrote a scandalous tell-all about his tall tales. The book included several highly outrageous tales that the Baron claimed to have never told and historians agree that it damaged his reputation like Billiam damaged Monica’s dress.
• Boschian Existence in Hell: Solitary Confinement.

• 1811: Chang and Eng Bunker: Come one! Come all! See the world famous Siamese Twins! After deciding that they loved North Carolina (really), they settled down on a plantation, bought some slaves and married a set of sisters. Here’s where the really interesting part comes in though: They had 21 children. Imagine! The other brother was constantly in a threesome he couldn’t participate in and one of the wives was constantly in a threesome she wanted no part of! Maybe that’s why the sisters who were wives (but not sister-wives) grew to hate each other and forced the creation of separate households that the twins, like tennis balls, bounced back and forth between. Chang died in his sleep of pneumonia. Eng woke up to find his brother dead. Doctors wanted to do an emergency separation, but Eng couldn’t bear to be separated from his brother and died several hours later.
• Boschian Existence in Hell: Eng obviously went to Heaven for his selfless final act. Chang will walk on a fiery path to nowhere, alone, with gated orgies on either side, forever flaccid.

• 1914: Haroun Tazieff: Fascinating! French Dudebro filmed Vulcans, I mean volcanoes, in their natural habitat. Lava flows! Exciting! Coming to a theater near you this summer! We won’t make French jokes because he’s actually Polish. He just was in charge of risk prevention in Our Favorite Nation™ and had degrees in agronomy (study of farming) and geology (study of rocks)
• Whoazville! Dudebro was followed around by NatGeo (National Geographic to anyone born before 1988) when he tried to descend into the lava lake inside Mount Nyiragongo. Hardcore!
• Boschian Existence in Hell: Perpetual cold, drinking goat urine to quench thirst.

 

 

DEATH!

(Where evil triumphs.)

• 1779: John Hart: Noted New Jerseyian and Declaration of Independence signatory, John Hart was not the Lone Ranger. Well, not this John Hart anyways. He was known as Honest John and had fourteen children with his wife who died three months after the signing of the Declaration.
• Hart, after becoming Speaker of the Assembly for the New Jersey delegation, had to escape to the Sourpatchkids Mountains when the Redcoats came coming for him. The Redcoats damaged his farm, but didn’t destroy it so he was able to go home again (after the Continentals captured Trenton).
• Dudebro died of kidney stones. Ouch.
• Boschian Existence in Hell: Stoned by The Situation

• 1960: John D. Rockefeller Jr.: America’s Great Philanthropist™ and son of Oil Guy RockPaperScissors Senior, Johnny Junior is known for giving buildings to MoMA (which his wife founded), buying and donating land for the site of the United Nations HQ, and fighting venereal disease amongst other great deeds. He’s also famous for fathering the Rockefeller Brothers (the Baldwin Brothers of its day) who would go on to become bankers, philanthropists, governors and vice-presidents.
• Johnny Jr. was a lifelong teetotaler which means he was no fun at all! However, he did write a letter to Nicky Butler condemning the 18th Amendment. Nicky sent the letter to the New York Times who put it on the front page. Prohibition was repealed a year later. Connect the Dots.
• Boschian Existence in Hell: None. He gave us Rockefeller Center which gave us 30 Rock. Dudebro’s chillin in Heaven.

• 1981: Bob Marley: He shot the sheriff! But, honest to Yahweh, he did not shoot the deputy! Noted Rastafarian and all around Chill Guy™, Bob Marley had eleven children with seven women. What is up with today’s guys being so virile!? Anywho, dudebro died of melanoma (skin cancers), and fought the disease while doing a world tour, which, really, is quite admirable. Here’s his eulogy:
• “His voice was an omnipresent cry in our electronic world. His sharp features, majestic looks, and prancing style a vivid etching on the landscape of our minds. Bob Marley was never seen. He was an experience which left an indelible imprint with each encounter. Such a man cannot be erased from the mind. He is part of the collective consciousness of the nation” -Edward Seaga
• Boschian Existence in Hell: An interminable wait for a marijuana plant to grow.

VIOLENCE!

(Where evil triumphs.)

• 1846: James Polk declares war on the Mexicans over Texas. Apparently, Americans were illegal immigrants in Mexican Territory. Americans! Always spinning the story! F’reals though. Texas became an independent nation, like, ten years earlier so it wasn’t really Mexico’s anymore. Now who’s spinning the story!?
  

• 1891: Otsu incident: Slash! Crash! WHAM! HOLY KATANA BATMAN! Tsar Nicholas II endures an assassination attempt by Tsuda Sanz?, one of his escort policeman. Tsuda’s attack failed when Prince George (Greece/Denmark) parried the second blow with his cane. Those Danes are always so handy! The Emperor of Japan, fearing the incident could incite war, visited the Tsar as he was recovering and apologized for the poor hospitality the Tsar had received. We personally wouldn’t go back to the Kyoto Hilton after we’d been slashed, that’s for sure. Anyways, the Tsar cut his trip short and went back to Russia causing a young seamstress to slit her throat as an act of public contrition. No wonder they call him Bloody Nick! Tsuda was sentenced to life, the Russians announced they found that satisfactory, Nick had a scar on his forehead for the rest of his life and the Russians went to war with the Japanese and lost about 14 years later. Diplomacy!

OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED!

(Where evil triumphs.)

• 330: Byzantium becomes Nova Roma. It will later be Constantinople and Istanbul. Boschian Existence in Hell: Potpourri of torture. The demons can’t decide.
• 1310: BURN BABY BURN! The French™ roast 54 Knights Templar. The feast afterward is described as being “a bit chewy, but not bad.”  Boschian Existence in Hell: Demons munch on you every day and each night you regenerate so they have more food.
• 1647: Peter Stuyvesant arrives in New Amsterdam and begins work on his master plan to turn 1st Ave. and 14th St. into a sprawling dormitory. Boschian Existence in Hell: Walls actually made out of paper where he has to listen to noisy sex, but can’t participate in any way.
• 1820: Noted heretic/monkey enthusiast Charles Darwin takes his liberal self on his media-elite approved yacht, the HMS Bagel, and sails around the world looking at rocks and stuff. Boschian Existence in Hell: Monkeys throw flaming poop at him for target practice.
• 1987: Turns out the evil Barbie™ is Klaus Barbie, not Mattel© Barbie™. Ken, we still think you’re stupid for wanting her back. She left you for a surfer twink once. She’ll do it again.

So what’s our Boschian Existence in Hell, little birds? Well, considering that we think the coolest way to die would be via a Rube Goldberg contraption that simultaneously shot us and made a lovely brunch for the soul who found our bloodied body (pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. You know. The works.), we’d spend eternity in hell on a giant frying pan, covered in olive oil. But hey! At least our skin would be fabulous! Well, at least until it got all fried up. Until next time! It’s a nice day. Go for a bike ride.