Lessons in Competitive Parenting: Digital Life

Life takes dedication. As we all know, second best is really the first worst. To succeed in our uber-competitive world, where only the strongest survive to get into a decent preschool, it is never too soon to set the standards that others will follow. Thus begins our lessons in competitive parenting.

If you are expecting, or expecting to be expecting some day, you are lucky to gestate in the modern era. Thanks to social media, today’s expectant parents no longer have to suffer through months of anxiety and anticipation in silence. You can gain immediate validation and affirmation online, any time, for your literal navel gazing. Here are some guidelines for making social media work for you during your pregnancy.

Facebook is a must. If you are not currently on Facebook, or quit in disgust when all of your friends posted preggo updates all day, every day, now is the time to activate your account and enact your revenge! Be sure to friend everyone you know, however tangentially. And your professional colleagues want in on this, too. Trust me, everyone wants to share in your joy by watching your burgeoning belly expand, almost in real time. (Hey! There’s an idea…time-lapsed pregnancy videos!)

Be sure to post pictures of your belly each week. If you want to be cool yet servicey, give a nod to Dylan by holding a hand-numbered sign showing your gestational week in each shot.

People will notice if you skip a week, so do not let them down! Added bonus: shortly after each picture posts, your ego and hormones can be boosted with strings of compliments like, “You look great, Mama!” or “Even preggo, you are adorbs!” or “Love the new outtie! Your bellybutton looks so cute poking through your shirt!”

While uploading pictures, be sure to update your status. Today, people enjoy sharing their medical records! You’ll get plenty of quality medical advice about how to deal with swollen ankles and constipation from your friends and family and that girl from junior high who got a hot dog stuck in her hoo-hoo.

Don’t hesitate to crowd-source Facebook for product recommendations. Mobilize the armies of mommies online, poised at the ready to share their experiences with the least smothering sling or the crib painted with acceptable levels of lead paint. Uber-parents must get the best of everything and have it all before the baby arrives. Yes, people used to let their babies sleep in dresser drawers, but they also used to change their own oil and talk on phones with cords. This is now!

Start a blog. A blog is imperative. A pregnancy blog is the perfect place to expand in long form on your daily trials and tribulations while waiting anxiously for your uterus to explode. Really, you should have created one before you got pregnant to chart your attempts at conception, but it isn’t too late to start now. Use it to coordinate your multi-state, multi-event baby showers, guest lists, and gift registries. And while there are no limits to what you write about, keep in mind that most pregnancy blogs take one of two thematic approaches:

• OMG! What is happening to my body and my life?!, or
• I am so blessed to have the perfect family, spouse, job, house, life, and soon-to-be baby.

Twitter is perfect for pre-borns. Just because they aren’t free of the womb, babies should not be restricted from tweeting. Do sign up for a Twitter account in the baby’s name or come up with something really cute and creative, like BabyDouche. That way, your baby can tweet delightful missives from the womb: “Gross! I may need therapy. It was kind of dark and mostly muffled, but I’m pretty sure I felt ‘it.’” If you tweet as yourself, you should give a daily pregnancy update, two or three on sonogram days. Remember: moderation is out! There is no such thing as over-sharing.

Email is not totally over yet. It may be a dying art, but there is some value in securing an email account for your pending spawn ASAP. If your top choice of name is not available at Gmail, you can tweak the spelling of the child’s name or use another middle initial to get the right email address. Your child will have to live with this email address for life – it is important to lock it down now.

YouTube. Make a channel for your pregnancy videos. While you can’t upload actual birth videos, you can start making a digital scrapbook of clips of You! Being Pregnant! If you’re lucky, you’ll go viral with a hilarious video of your water breaking during your prenatal tap dancing class. Shuffle-toe-tap-swoosh!

Our lives will be lived out loud and online! Dive in, pre-parents! What could possibly go wrong?