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Crass Poetry: The Harmony Of Here

Close your eyes; be still.
Feel each present moment,
that often is lost in a blur
of doing and acquiring

Slow the pace; feel your breath
and the harmony of here:
the quiet, gentle wisdom
of being and becoming

Release the expectations
which have bombarded your senses,
and tune into the truth
of your own innate perfection

Untether your psyche
from the realm of lack and fear,
and luxuriate in the body
that is your most sacred temple

 

Whether or not we see it fully,
we have been puppets and pawns
in the passionless play
of a materially-obsessed world

We’re acting out characters
we neither like nor understand;
living an unwitting charade,
for no hope of real reward

What a profligate waste
of time, energy and resources
(because you’ll never be rich,
thin, attractive or young enough)!

In scarcity, welcome abundance
with gratitude and humility;
Impecuniousness is far richer
than a lack of spiritual substance

Overwhelmed by artifice, it’s easy
to lose sight of what’s real
But there’s nothing we could need
that we haven’t always possessed

Sadly, there are no mainstream sages
to help us nurture this awareness;
The visionaries with true power and insight
have all been relegated to obscurity

The gurus in the limelight
offer little but cold comfort
to warm the existential numbness
that’s slowly taken over our souls

But there is the great equalizer: choice.
Will we continue to fruitlessly pursue
a relentless litany of unsatisfied desires
or take the reins of responsible maturity?

In the end, who gets to decide
the value and direction of our lives:
compulsive, greed-driven conformity,
or our magnificent human potential?

It would truly blow your mind
if you ever fully realized
how resplendently glorious
you absolutely (already) are

Living with conscious intention
yields often invisible, infinite rewards
and if we’re up for the challenge,
the truth is all ours to discover.

Crass Fiction: Eternity By Chance

It is in solitude – always in solitude – that the guard of my masculine nature and identity ebb. Then, my genderless awareness of my humanity fully unfolds. It is then that I feel her presence most powerfully: when the prolific psychic residue of the ‘motion in stillness’ that she embodies lingers. The words ‘intuitive’ and ‘aware’ do not even begin to describe her effortless yet omnivorous understanding, her brilliant tabula rasa mind, and her remarkable capacity for profound tenderness.

In the wake of feeling her gentle yet phenomenal presence – and the subtle but unmistakable void of her absence – my apartment looks exactly the same to the naked eye. But whole new, transcendent worlds have been birthed from our symbiotic visceral reciprocity.

Our always-immanent metaphysical attraction seems to be taking the course of our lifetimes to evolve into something more carnally fulfilling. If our sexual expression ever equals the intensity of our exquisite rapport, we will both be willingly consumed by an ever-expanding concatenation of exuberant, balls-to-the-wall stamina marathons of athletic eroticism.

Tonight, she held me cradled in her lap, ensconced in her impossibly comfortable curves and silky soft skin. With sensitively skilled fingers, she unwound my stressed muscles in a masterfully knowing massage that was an extended foray of deep-release bliss for me. Beyond tension relief, it was an overall amelioration of my well-being.

Her instinctive talent for nurturing is as inexhaustible as my own need to be so thoroughly nurtured. It is a powerful reverence which bypasses romantic notion: the unconditional embrace of the Cosmic Mother. In truth, no one had ever held me as compassionately and adoringly except for my own mother, and that was a distant memory from many years ago.

Delicately, she broke the sweet spell of our shared silence by gently kissing my forehead and saying only, “Namaste.” (This translates roughly as the light, or the highest good in me salutes the light, or the highest good in you). It was a simple gesture and a single word that nonetheless felt like the fruition of the covenant of the holiest of Holy Grails.

Feeling starry-eyed and consummately relaxed, I slowly roused from the altered states that her extended healing had induced in me. Propping myself up on my elbows, I then turned to face her. Then I leaned in to meet her in an eyes-wide-open, serenely ravenous and lingering tongue-kiss. Many mind-blowing moments later, she broke the magnetic connection of our osculation by touching her fingers lightly to my face.

In a sultry tone which did not belie her seriousness, she said, “When we have more time, we will do far more justice to this. If I possessed the skill to alter the time/space continuum – and the unforgiving rhythms of our earthly lives – I would have you with me for hours, days, weeks, months, years… into timelessness. Until then…”

I held her to me and finished her sentence aloud, saying, “Farewell is never goodbye.”

Crasstalk Fiction: The Antidote To Pandora’s Box

Somewhere in the middle of the sultry summer night, nature called. My lover unzipped the front flap of our tent and we headed outside onto the sand of a secluded beach cove along the southern California coastline. As we were alone, we exited the tent nude. A pleasurable breeze greeted us, briefly alleviating the swelter. Even with a nearly-full moon, the lush ceiling of stars above us was breathtaking. Adding to our overall feeling of auspiciousness, a shooting star fell seemingly directly in front of our path. My jaw dropped in awe, and I wondered aloud a most sincere approbation, “Oh, how you bless us God, life, spirit, universe…”

With that grateful invocation, my lover and I proceeded to relieve ourselves in the majestic ocean. (We rationalized that our good actions far outweighed this relatively minor infraction.) The shock of contrast between our warm bodies and the still-cool water was exhilarating. We dove under holding hands, then after we arose, we exuberantly collided in a delicious, playful kiss. As we separated our bodies ever-so-slightly, we noticed a captivating phenomenon: the bright light radiated by the moon cast us in an immaculately explicit, lucid shadow against the backdrop of pristine sand.

As we stood in the ocean, we were bewitched by watching the exquisite subtleties of our well-matched physiques. Every slow, sensual move we made was mirrored and magnified in the remarkable chiaroscuro of moonlight and shadow. In my heightened state of arousal, I felt my skin turn incarnadine, like a lust-drenched niacin flush. Without needing to accede, my lover and I met each others’ unspoken desires, choreographed in equal parts by erotic providence and spiritual syncretism.

Deliberately, we decided to delay the consummation of our mutual yearning until we got back to the tent. Both of us later confessed our suspicions that we might have literally drowned due to our sensual distraction. We returned to the tent giddy, overly-amped and very ready to merge our inner empyreans. As we made love, time became evermore malleable and fluid, its interstices seemingly yielding to our mutual need for extended, undulant erotic equanimity.

It was the ultimate power trip: we were reveling in the complementary, egalitarian nature of true inner power. Luxuriantly supine, I decided that if I had to die, I’d like to do it with him inside me, in precisely this position. But for the moment, I was ravenously consumed and consummately nourished by the vitality of living abundantly.

When I awoke a few hours later in the full illumination of dawn’s gorgeous color palette of light, my lover was momentarily gone. Resting on my belly was a velvet drawstring bag, sewn in the design of a labyrinth. Inside the bag was a smooth, flat dark-grey large stone that was a lapidary masterpiece. In Celtic-inspired calligraphy, it read in Latin:

ab ovo, ut terminus

et ab novus orsa

saecula saeculorum.

On the other side of the stone was the English translation:

from the beginning, to the end

and from the new beginning

to all eternity.

My lover returned in time to witness the resultant awe I felt at reading such lofty words which I had inspired. My stupefaction derived from being so comprehensively recognized and acknowledged by someone so much like myself. We kissed deeply, and as we prepared to delve again into erotic joy, I had an amazing epiphany:

Whole, healed lovers everywhere are the living antidote to Pandora opening the Box. By unleashing harmony, joy, understanding and reverence, perhaps we may break the spell of all the ills that have been cast upon this world.

Crass Fiction: Old Lovers, New Tricks

Melody crawled out of bed just before the alarm clock could rudely awaken her. She was alone, but the other side of the bed was still warm from her lover, who had just arisen and left for work. She had spent the evening and night with one of her dearest friends, a hopelessly handsome writer and educator named Jason who was, as far as she had known for twenty years, gay.Needless to say, the experience had been a re-awakening for them both.

He had been her English professor, and the last time they’d had sex was when she was in college, immediately prior to his public coming out. She had always known him to be actively bisexual, so it wasn’t a surprise, but his admission that he was gay did nothing to dampen her attraction to him. Their friendship was so strong, she knew not to take it personally, and she encouraged him in his new identity, even though it no longer included the erotic romps she’d come to adore.

Surprisingly, the prior night didn’t involve alcohol or other influential substances, even though back in college they’d both enjoyed getting stoned before making love.  Last night, they had gone to dinner at a delectable Thai restaurant to celebrate Melody’s 41st birthday and Jason’s 54th, which fell three days after hers. Although Jason was newly single, Melody was immersed in a long-term harmonious marriage, so the conversation was largely celebratory. At some point, their talk turned to a reminiscence of their college fling, and they laughed at the magnitude of their folly, both because of the inappropriateness of their teacher-student romance and the inevitability of his obvious preferable attraction to men.

As the night progressed, though, Melody noticed Jason’s choice of words grew progressively more complimentary of her. They had been lovers for a year in college, so each had an intimate remembrance of the other, erotically speaking. While time had surely altered their bodies, they were both still quite attractive, and the chemistry of their powerful and profound friendship was strong.

“Have you ever considered being with someone else besides Dave?”, Jason had inquired provocatively.

“I haven’t been with anyone else but Dave since the last time I slept with you, Jason. So, no, I haven’t.” She assumed that was the end of it.

“First of all, I find that impossible to believe. Secondly, would you consider fucking me again? Tonight?”

Stunned, Melody replied, “Jason, since when do you have sex with women?”

“Not since the last time I had sex with you.”

“So what exactly is this? Are you telling me you’re bisexual again?”

Emphatically, he replied, “Not at all. I just really want to fuck you tonight.”

“Why tonight?” Melody asked, and the lingering question she didn’t ask was, ‘Why did you have to stop twenty years ago?’

“Why not?” he coyly replied.

Melody decided not to question his rationale, because she was already incredibly aroused and intrigued by his proposition.  After all, even though it had been decades since last they’d been lovers, she was consistently aroused by Jason’s intellect, spirit, humor and heart. Plus the obvious fact that she had never stopped appreciating how sexy she was, even though it was admiration from afar. Strong guilt feelings surfaced at the prospect of betraying her husband, but since Dave was away on a business trip, she knew that she could forestall dealing with her guilt and the logistics of her actions until afterwards.

They returned to Jason’s apartment, where Melody allowed her once-and-future lover to take the reins of their sexual reunion. She was unsurprised that he mostly wanted to fuck her from behind (old habits die hard, she’d guessed), but she was nearly stunned by how intensely he made her come. This was the kind of sex that you would gladly walk across broken glass to get to. She knew that by virtue of being a woman, she wasn’t giving him all he needed, but he didn’t seem to care; he was glad to please her to the ends of her tether.

Now, the morning after their unexpected and exceptional eroticism, her body ached but she was too ensconced in the afterglow to notice. Later, as she showered and dressed and made her way back into the world, she began to ponder how her friendship and her marriage would survive. She considered the hard truth: that this was almost certainly a one-time thing with Jason, but she now found herself even more drawn to him than before. Returning to her husband’s bed would require forgiveness on his part, and surrender on hers. Would either of them find the balance that was required? Melody knew that she was motivated to do so, as the alternative – unrequited lust for a gay man – had come full circle, and there was obviously nowhere else to go with that scenario.

As if in direct response to her line of thought, as she was heading towards the door to leave, her cell phone rang. It was Jason, wishing her good morning and then saying something that set her mind reeling again.

“Bisexuality in men is uncommon, but it’s also highly underrated.” He paused briefly before continuing, “I might be coerced into doing it again, but only with you.”

Melody was silent, mentally spinning through the possibilities. Her silence went on a bit too long, and Jason spoke again.

“Unless you don’t want to; you know we can still be friends.  Or else, I can meet you back at my place for lunch.”

Replying immediately this time, Melody asked incredulously, “Lunch?”

Just then, another call came in. It was her husband.

She knew that she wasn’t ready to answer that call… not just yet.

 

Crass Fiction: The 7:03

Author’s note: Baconcat loves Gothic horror. He loves it for the atmosphere and the over the top lurid descriptions (oh, the Victorians, what wonderful hypocrite prudes they were!). However, if you don’t, you’ll probably want to skip this one.

 

Okay, you’ve been forewarned.

The 7:03

The blast of the train’s steam whistle ripped through the snowstorm and told Hannah she had guessed correctly. The sound emanated no more than 30 yards directly in front of her. The snowfall was so thick that when she fled her house only a few minutes ago she was forced to lay trust in only her feet to guide her to the train station. But her feet had run true, taking steps they had taken perhaps a thousand times before. Now, with only a few more steps she would be aboard the train and free of her dreadful pursuers. She wondered, if only for a moment, if she had truly been able to escape them. But if she had heard the whistle, they heard the whistle. Were she to make the train though, there would be safety in numbers.

How horrible the demons that forced her from her home had been!  She imagined her pursuers’ blackened hands grasping at her, the greasy flesh falling off in terrible chunks, the sooty tallow leaving streaked stains on her dress. So nightmarish was this thought that she failed to see the step to the train platform and fell over it, almost spilling the little money purse clutched desperately in her hand. ’30 dollars.’ she whispered instinctively, as if by speaking it aloud she guaranteed its safety. 30 dollars was not much, but it would be enough for her to start a new life in Cleveland, maybe even Chicago. It was all her father had to his name. All of his savings, and yet only five minutes ago he had pressed it so willingly and firmly into her hand while he shuttled her out back door of the only home she had ever known.

“Just please go, child!” he said while pushing her reluctant body out into the cold night. He hadn’t even had time to tell her he loved her before the mob knocked down the front door. “Just go!” he cried as he ran to bar the kitchen door and buy his only child a few more precious seconds to flee. Just then, in the moment the front door had fallen, she’d seen the demons again leading the charge; Their burnt faces turned in a permanent toothy death smile, their white bones peeking through the torn and scarred skin as they forced their way through the house and slammed against the kitchen door. Hannah took one last look at her father mustering all the strength his 58 year old frame could manage to hold back the door, and then she turned and stumbled blindly into the raging storm.

The whistle blew again as Hannah ran down the platform, racing for the train. As she boarded the train, she heard the desperate cries of her pursuers. They too had reached the platform, but devil be damned, they were too late! The train was already pulling out of the station. Even if they got aboard, they couldn’t hurt her here; not on a train, not with all the passengers for witnesses. In the town she may be a pariah, but here on a train full of strangers, she was an unknown damsel in distress. The demons could not touch her here.

She found her way into the cabin and fell into the first available seat. Even though the seats were the uncomfortable wood and wrought iron benches of coach class, the cabin was warm, being heated by the coal fired oven, and she was so tired and relieved to be free of them that she drifted into a dream filled sleep.

Her sweet, departed mother came to mind first. She had been so beautiful! While she was alive all had been well in their small town. Her father had been happy then, for he considered himself the luckiest man alive. Having reached 40 with no mate, he had resigned himself to a life of solitude. Yet, when he met Hannah’s mother on a supply trip to Boston, he knew within an instant that he would marry her. It didn’t matter that she was a poor immigrant daughter and he a successful shopkeeper, nor that he was twice her age. After only a day, he offered her work in his general store. She agreed and took the long carriage ride back with him without a second thought. By the time they arrived in his small town, they were in love. They were married in a short ceremony and within a year, Hannah arrived.

Next stop Garvey.”

Perhaps Hannah had always had the gift. Perhaps not, but what is certain is that her first recollection of the ability was her mother’s death. Hannah had seen the mark on her mother that day. It was clear as day to Hannah, the dark blue band across her mother’s neck. Not knowing what it was, the premonition confused her. Here was her mother in her Sunday best, and yet she was caked in mud. Being only four, she asked her mother why she would wear muddy clothing to go to church? Her mother thought Hannah was playing a child’s game with her and scolded her. She remembered that; her mother had been cross with her. And yet, her mother was sweet-natured, and not one to hold a grudge. By the time service ended, she had forgiven Hannah, even though the child still insisted that she was wearing soiled clothes.

For three days Hannah watched her mother come downstairs wearing clothing caked in mud. And each time there was the same deep blue band across her neck. For three days she would ask her mother why she wore muddy clothes and for three days her mother sighed and her father told her it was not polite to make fun. It wasn’t until the 4th day that the visions made sense. That was the day Mr. Watkin’s carriage became unbuckled and rolled free down the hill. Her mother never even saw it. It pushed her into the mud in the middle of the street and the wagon wheel passed right over her neck. From there on in, father believed in her visions. How could he not? Was the bruise of the wagon wheel not exactly where Hannah had shown him?

The loss was hard on both of them, but they had each other, and together they survived. Her father was sad, but he was kind and loving. And though he had lost his wife, he had her daughter. Life began to return to normal.

“Next stop Wickham Green.”

For a while, things settled in again. But then the war between the states broke out and Hannah began seeing them again. For the week before he left to join the union, Parson Williams’ boy had a deep gash down the length of his neck. He was killed by a cavalryman in a skirmish. Joseph and Ira Collins had multiple bullet holes in their Sunday best. They were both killed at Pickett’s charge.  Ambrose Mueller was missing a head. And when she saw Clinton Smith, or what was left of him, the sight was so terrifying that she screamed every time he came into her father’s store.

Her father had always liked Clinton and felt it was his duty to tell him of his daughter’s premonition. Clinton was so terrified that he fled the draft and ran away to New York City. He was blown to pieces by a naval cannon during the draft riots of ‘63.

From then on out things deteriorated in the village. Clinton’s mother believed it was Hannah who had killed her son through some sort of magic and she spread the story Clinton had told her throughout the town. Hannah’s father laughed at first, but as she kept predicting and people kept dying, it became harder and harder to laugh.

“Next Stop Ashtabula, Ohio.”

The war ended, as all wars do, and if things didn’t exactly return to normal, they at least became less hostile. But even without war, accidents happen: threshers break, carriages flip, horses panic, guns explode. Hannah kept them to herself, sharing only the occasional comment for her father. “Old Schaeffer is going to die soon.” Most importantly Hannah resigned herself to the fate of not being able to change the outcomes. After all, they died if she said nothing and they died if she warned them. She became used to the sights of the mangled bodies. None of them were that terrible, and more importantly, they had a sort of benevolent peace to them. If she envisioned farmer Schaeffer with a broken neck, he was still farmer Schaeffer, he still spoke kindly words to her on Sunday, even if they came out of a very sideways head.

But a full 11 years after the war she saw a horrible vision, one altogether worse than Clinton Smith. In fact, it had been so horrible that when the two demons (for there was no other word for them) entered the Church on that cold morning, she fainted dead away.

Hannah rustled in her sleep as the train left the station. Though she tried to push the memory of the demons from her mind, she could not. They were townspeople no doubt, but so badly burnt that they were unrecognizable. When they walked into the church that morning, she saw the greasy black stains they left in their wake, she saw the flesh drip and fall off their legs. And their eyes, their hideous eyes were vacant of eyeballs, black and oozing, and yet, because this was only a vision, they still seemed to look at you, though they had nothing to look with.

Fainting in the church was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. While Hannah recuperated at home, a mob formed. When she awoke that night, she heard the voice of Bill Tilghman talking in the hall outside her room.

“No, you’ve got to go now, James. They won’t wait two weeks.”

“But she’s my daughter!”

“They are coming tonight. They are coming and they are going burn her! That scene in the church- it- well, it was enough.”

It was during their preparations to leave that the mob had come. Her mind drifted back to the purse. ’30 dollars.’ Se mumbled as she clutched the purse in her sleep.

“Just please go.” Her father’s last words.

And again in her dream she saw the faces of the two as they barged through her father’s door. Two evil skulls the color of onyx. Two scarred and burnt men with hate in their hearts and black deeds on their minds. She had escaped them. Even if they were here on the train now, they could not hurt her. She had escaped them. She had escaped.

The train jostled as it slowly pushed through the snowfall and inched its way across the bridge. The conductor, not expecting the quake shifted clumsily and bumped into Hannah. Perhaps to cover his mistake, he asked her for her ticket. Hannah awoke and as she wiped the sleep from her eyes she looked up to him. His face was completely sheared off and in its place a grisly mask of blood and muscle remained. He put his hand forward and she could see it was badly burnt, so burnt that it was barely recognizable. Hannah shrieked, causing the passengers in the cabin to turn to look at her. Their faces were all burnt too. Some were without heads. Others had heads, but were contorted in the most unnatural way.  She covered her eyes to hide the hideous sight, but the sights still came through, as if her hands were not there. She pulled them down from her eyes and saw that they too were burnt, so badly destroyed that only charred bones existed where once there had been flesh and blood.

Suddenly Hannah understood the meaning of the visions.

She let out a bloodcurdling scream but it was drowned out by the blast of the steam whistle on the number 2 engine. The events foretold in her vision were already in motion, and past the point of no return. Three cars up, the first engine had just passed over the broken bridge trestle causing it to give way. The engineer of the second engine gave one final blast of the steam whistle as it uncoupled from the lead engine and plunged into the abyss below. From the other side of the bridge, the #1 Engineer could only weep and stare on helplessly as each car, in turn, plunged off the gap, down into the burning wreckage below.

-Baconcat

The Reconciliation of Lucas Lygram: Prologue

Author’s Note: in 1859, Charles Dickens founded the magazine All the Year Round, which published serialized novels in weekly formats. Many of Dickens’ own novels were in this format, but he didn’t write a novel and then break it up, he wrote it as it was being serialized in order to maintain proper deadlines, as well as switch up the story based on what people liked and did not like about the work. I hope to continue the tradition with this series for Crasstalk.

The Reconciliation of Lucas Lygram

Prologue

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been seven weeks since my last confession.”

“What ails you my child?”

In the past seven weeks, I had committed 89 acts of homosexual conduct. I had lied 897 times. I had stolen 37 grapes from the Trader Joe’s in Union Square. I had murdered twelve flies, seven spiders, and thirty seven cockroaches. I had cheated on my taxes. I had eaten shellfish even though I deplore the taste. and I had sworn exactly 1,432.5 times (the half swear was accounted for in 27 interrupted conversations) to name a few infractions. I knew all this because I kept a daily journal with a daily count on all of my sins so that I might go participate in the sacrament of Reconciliation. I went every seven weeks, in honor of the seven sacraments.

The irony was not lost on me that I, at present, could only partake in six of those sacraments, and, given that I was not dying, the seventh, Anointing of the Sick, could not be performed, thus making the number of sacraments that I could partake in at five. However, in reality, I only partook in four sacraments as I had no desire to be chaste or in poverty (I mean, I already was in poverty, it’s just that I had no desire to be in poverty) which was what would have been required of me had I partaken in the priesthood. How savage it is to be so slavishly devoted to a religion that has sent you to Hell.

I nearly forgot to tell the priest about bedding that lesbian lumberjack. We were both drunk. She had short hair. I shave my body hair. Once we’d realized we were with members of the opposite sex, we just decided that we might as well go with it given we were on a flannel electric blanket in a clearing in a wood upstate. This would have come back to bite me had I not noticed the loose page in the back of the sin book reminding me to tell him since, according to the notes, the original page died in a tragic coffee accident. Oh, yeah. The book. I should probably explain that.

Introductions first. Mother taught me to be the consummate example of a proper gentleman . My name’s Lucas. Lucas Lygram. It’s an awful name. I hate it, but mother would kill me if I changed it. At the very least,  she’d leave me out of the will and has threatened to do so on numerous occasions. I don’t particularly see how that’s threatening since I wasn’t raised in a wealthy household, but, still, she feels the need to make that threat.

The only other things that are relevant at the moment are that I’m currently dating and in love with a complete ass of a human being named Samuel Grey and that I have an obsession. This obsession stems from an emotionally violent incident with my grandmother after my first confession at the age of nine in which she gave me a very graphic description on the consequences of not accounting and atoning for each and every single sin that I committed. Deciding that that certainly wasn’t going to happen to me, that I certainly wouldn’t be a singed, shell of a corpse that Virgil and Dante just happened to come across on their journey to Paradise, I began a quest: to make sure that every single thing that I did that was considered, well, unholy by The Bible would be written down for future reference, and it was. Sam stems from getting drunk at a club. The sin book was truly a masterwork. A series of fine, leather bound notebooks (that I could barely afford), each with the word “Sin” and a number corresponding to their order in the series embossed in gold leaf sat on a bookshelf in my Brooklyn apartment. There’s currently 4,942 of them, but I only keep the latest group in the apartment. The rest are in a storage unit on Staten Island. I just don’t have the space, you know? I head up to Saint Patrick’s Cathedral and take up a few hours of their time every seven weeks before sitting down for Mass. I’m fascinated by the sacraments, particularly Communion and Confession. They say confession is private, but I’m pretty sure they know who I am. Then again, these are the same people who believe in transubstantiation, but I guess that doesn’t really have any influence on their observational skills. Who cares, really?

“My son, you have sinned much. To atone, you must say eighty rosaries, one hundred four Our Fathers and the Act of Contrition, let’s say, thirty times. I’d also suggest going to see Sister Ann about volunteering to help in the Church Bazaar. For the heck of it, toss in a couple creeds. Your choice, Luke.”

I sat in the pews and began to pray. My rosary wasn’t anything particularly special, but I did get it blessed by Pope John Paul 2 when I visited the Vatican as a teenager. I thought I’d start with the Nicene Creed though. That one’s easy. A homeless man had taken sanctuary in the cathedral and sat down on the opposite side of my pew. Mass had already started and he began to sing with the rest of the congregation, until he didn’t. He started throwing up.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life who proceeds from the Father and the Son and is worshiped and glorified. We believe in violently upchucking in the one, holy Catholic and apostolic church. We look for the…fuck it.

I proceeded to leave. I could finish that shit at home.

 

Sin Catalogue O6.29

Judgement. One Count 13.28

Swearing. Two Counts 13.29

 

Create-A-Word! (SuburboWASP Style!)

Tobay Beach

Heh.  Denton’s smarmy non-apology to we commenters made me realize how far superior our new confection is.  No ads.  No Cheetos.  No Black Swans.  No First!!101!.   Gawker is now like Times Square – fit only for tourists who want to… well, Gawk.  And enrich others while doing it.

We can do whatever we want and no one can stop us and if I want to run through the grass Dad just cut until the green grass juice is on my feet instead of in my smoothie I can.  We can tell secrets and jokes in our treehouse and I’ll pick one of Mom’s Tropicana roses and propose to all of you.  (God, we gay kids even have hot pants.)

And then, after the ice cream truck is gone and we’re exhausted, we’ll tell a bunch of stories and make up words.

Tonight’s theme is SUMMER! Because it’s 3 whole months away and I can’t wait.  Here’s what to do: make up a word, add a pronunciation code if you like, add a definition and use it in a sentence.  Uncle Betts will show you how.

1:  Oontzdouche: (OONTZ-doosh):  A young person at the wheel of a rickety car, blasting music into the summer air that sounds like OONTZ-OONTZ-OONTZ! It goes on endlessly and carries through the ocean-scented air like a toxic cloud of throbbing, mutant moths and deformed sugar glider squirrels.  Often followed by a squee of bad car brakes and the clink of a bottle of Miller, now filled with pee, into Mrs. Vacheron’s zinnia bed.

Our first cocktail party in the yard was marked by the Cheever-like hilarity of hearing an oontzdouche trying to compete with Sade’s “Sweetest Taboo”.

2: Sumstandard: (sum-STAN-dahd)  The good feeling that you feel at the end of a summer day when you head into the lav for a badly-needed shower, snap on the light and see what you look like in the mirror.  You have scratches all over you from gardening, you missed some sand between your toes, you’re a bit sunburnt, and you smell like someone sprayed a goat with No. 4711 and Bain de Soliel, and then the goat drank a few cold Sam Adams.  It’s a VERY good feeling.

As the tub was filling and I saw how disheveled I was, I felt so sumstandard that it was like That Summer That Anthony Walked Me Into The Barnett’s Pool Cabana, Holding My Hand.

3: Gumfields: (GUHM-feeldz): The place in your mouth between your teeth where little bits of fresh, sweet corn kernels spend their nostalgic last moments before you pick or floss them to join their brethren.   You have to pick or floss.  They’re not coming out any other way.

I had two full gumfields, but my God, that farm stand has the best damn July corn ever.

You try!  Make up a summer word!

 

Photo here.

The Art of Erotic E-mail

(Photo by Aimee Ketsdever)

My name is LeftCoastLady and I’m a slut…on e-mail…and have no intention of stopping.

Sending someone – whether they’re a potential mate, your significant other, or just an “other” – a carefully crafted erotic e-mail takes practice. Not to be cliché, but it truly is a delicate balance. Just because you’re sending a note via e-mail doesn’t mean you should slack off on the creativity.

While you don’t want to be too vulgar, you also don’t want to be so subtle the inference goes flying over their cranium. Leave lots of clues, but also allow them to fill in the blanks using their imagination. This is key if you want the e-mail exchange to go beyond one round.

Get descriptive. Tell them how you smell, what you’re wearing/not wearing, or even what you’re eating. Describing the eating of an especially juicy piece of fruit in combination of how it tastes – and, oops, some just dribbled down your chin – can send some over the top. Once the correspondence has gone a couple of rounds, start to get into the specifics of what you like as well as what you want to do or to have done to you. Make sure your responses feed off one another. If they want to talk about kissing, then your response should tell them where you want to be kissed and how (soft, hard, lots of tongue, etc.).

It should go without saying, but accurate spelling and grammar is key. Don’t send a message so riddled with errors your object of affection spends more time deciphering your intention than actually enjoying the thought of you and all the naughty things they want to do.

Like a knowing wink or an inviting smile, an erotic e-mail message can provide both the sender and the recipient with pleasure and a sense of anticipation for what will happen later on when they meet in person and are able to act out what was written.

If successful, the message will make them cross or shift their legs, make their body temperature rise, and change their breathing patterns.

Now, if you excuse me, I have an e-mail to send…

Meet the next Martin Amis, if Martin Amis couldn’t write and didn’t have a famous father. And was a girl. Who’s American.

Every six months, I decide that I am going to write something. This something is usually a short story. Occasionally, it is a novel. Always, it is basically autobiographical, because I am not good at making things up that aren’t lies to make my life easier, e.g., “No, Verizon customer service representative, I did not repeatedly drop my Droid on concrete, as that would be irresponsible. It vibrated off a slightly sloped, very low table, onto thick-pile carpet. What? Oh. I have no idea how that cracked the screen. Faulty product, obviously.”

The problem is, I am not good at writing like this. I don’t know why I keep trying. It is like Barney Frank deciding to sing opera or Britney Spears promising to wear underwear every day. Some people are not cut out for some things.

And yet. I try. I’m trying now. I have two pages – and that’s single spaced. It will be different this time. There will be a plot, instead of vague and morose character development lasting for ten pages before I get distracted and never come back to it. There will be some pretense of it not being a journal entry. I will not channel Holden Caulfield. I will not start every sentence with the words “I,” “they,” or “the.” And when I fail miserably, as I always do, I will shelve this foolishness and go back to the things I’m actually good at, like telling the internet about interesting scientific progress or what food products I woke up to find on my floor after a night of heavy drinking.

For six months or so.