Heh. Denton’s smarmy non-apology to we commenters made me realize how far superior our new confection is. No ads. No Cheetos. No Black Swans. No First!!101!. Gawker is now like Times Square – fit only for tourists who want to… well, Gawk. And enrich others while doing it.
We can do whatever we want and no one can stop us and if I want to run through the grass Dad just cut until the green grass juice is on my feet instead of in my smoothie I can. We can tell secrets and jokes in our treehouse and I’ll pick one of Mom’s Tropicana roses and propose to all of you. (God, we gay kids even have hot pants.)
And then, after the ice cream truck is gone and we’re exhausted, we’ll tell a bunch of stories and make up words.
Tonight’s theme is SUMMER! Because it’s 3 whole months away and I can’t wait. Here’s what to do: make up a word, add a pronunciation code if you like, add a definition and use it in a sentence. Uncle Betts will show you how.
1: Oontzdouche: (OONTZ-doosh): A young person at the wheel of a rickety car, blasting music into the summer air that sounds like OONTZ-OONTZ-OONTZ! It goes on endlessly and carries through the ocean-scented air like a toxic cloud of throbbing, mutant moths and deformed sugar glider squirrels. Often followed by a squee of bad car brakes and the clink of a bottle of Miller, now filled with pee, into Mrs. Vacheron’s zinnia bed.
Our first cocktail party in the yard was marked by the Cheever-like hilarity of hearing an oontzdouche trying to compete with Sade’s “Sweetest Taboo”.
2: Sumstandard: (sum-STAN-dahd) The good feeling that you feel at the end of a summer day when you head into the lav for a badly-needed shower, snap on the light and see what you look like in the mirror. You have scratches all over you from gardening, you missed some sand between your toes, you’re a bit sunburnt, and you smell like someone sprayed a goat with No. 4711 and Bain de Soliel, and then the goat drank a few cold Sam Adams. It’s a VERY good feeling.
As the tub was filling and I saw how disheveled I was, I felt so sumstandard that it was like That Summer That Anthony Walked Me Into The Barnett’s Pool Cabana, Holding My Hand.
3: Gumfields: (GUHM-feeldz): The place in your mouth between your teeth where little bits of fresh, sweet corn kernels spend their nostalgic last moments before you pick or floss them to join their brethren. You have to pick or floss. They’re not coming out any other way.
I had two full gumfields, but my God, that farm stand has the best damn July corn ever.
You try! Make up a summer word!