Happy Easter Crasstalk. Hope you are having a relaxing day and that if you are so inclined you have had a visit from a candy-bearing rodent today.
Um, don’t show this one to the kids.
Have a great day.
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One of the most important days of the year is coming up soon, but enough about Amanda Bynes’ birthday. In a couple of days it will be April Fools Day, and many of you will either be looking for ideas for the next great prank or for protection from the next great prank. If you’re not, why not? Even such a cool guy as Johnny Depp is said by his co-stars to be fond of a remote-controlled fart machine on April 1. Either way, here’s some inspiration.
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
The benchmark April Fools prank. Highly respected British news program Panorama, in 1957, runs a full-length feature on the Swiss spaghetti harvest including “footage” of workers picking spaghetti off trees. The BBC was inundated by callers asking where they could get their own spaghetti tree. Scary thing is, if you ran the same program today, #spaghettitree would be a trending topic on Twitter within the hour. You know it’s true.
“Put stockings over your faces to protect yourselves!”
So said New Zealand radio announcer Phil Shone, solemnly telling morning commuters a huge swarm of wasps was descending and they needed to take precautions to avoid being stung. Anecdotal evidence is that hundreds if not thousands of people arrived at work with stockings dutifully pulled over their faces.
Because New Zealand is populated mostly by sheep, I have this amusing mental picture of a sheep driving a car wearing a stocking over its face, looking for all the world like an armed baaaaandit. Sorry.
The Left-Handed Whopper
In 1998, Burger King (perhaps inspired by a certain Simpsons episode… which I see aired in 1991, making me feel really old) announced the first burger designed for left-handers, with all the ingredients rotated by 180 degrees to make it easier to grasp in the left hand. Once again, people bought a whopper. Or tried to.
What makes it more interesting is the people who came in demanding to buy a RIGHT-HANDED whopper and none of this lefty crap. Yes, really.
The Office
BMW
I don’t know about you, but when I think of wacky pranks, I think of German luxury car-makers. Things like making a satnav that constantly wants to direct you over the border into Poland! Wait, no, that was Jeremy Clarkson.
Anyway, it’s true. BMW take their April Fools pranks very seriously, and run April Fools ads every year all around the world.
A couple of years ago they stuck a Mini Cooper to the wall of a skyscraper in Sydney to back up their April Fools prank of anti-gravity parking. Like I said, they take it seriously.
One of my all-time favorites was in 2006 for a hands-free car, with no wheel, driveable on either side of the road. The UK version of the ad can be found here.
Notice that BMW faithfully keep up the tradition of the joke name in their joke articles: Herr Huhr-Huhr and Uwe Vollervitt indeed.
Late for Work
Ingredients needed:
1 co-worker or subordinate in need of pranking
1 home phone number
Prank:
Simple. Call co-worker at home maybe 45 minutes before they’re meant to get to work, and tell them they’re late for work, where the hell are they? All the better if they have an important meeting or presentation to do first thing.
If they have an iPhone, you can mention that an iPhone alarm bug was reported on the radio this morning and express sympathy that they’ve been screwed by it. This is particularly believable because it has really happened. Twice.
Important! Call back a few minutes later, after they’ve put their underwear on backwards out of panic, to tell them it’s a prank and they can relax. Because you’ll feel horrible if they sped to work and crashed and died, won’t you?
My High School
And finally: my love for April Fools Day began at High School, where we had something of a tradition of pranking the school. One of my favorites was the time we got a well known breakfast radio DJ to call the principal, live on air, to ask about a “breaking sex scandal” involving three of her students. The “three” was the genius touch- when dealing with a person on their guard, it’s that extra bit of hysteria which gets you over the line.
What are your favorite April Fools pranks, whether played by you or played on you?
Attention! Attention! This is to inform all readers of a new, Just In Time For The Holidays, cooking and baking column. Stabby will bake/broil/fry/steam/boil it first so that you don’t have to be frightened to try it.
The inaugural column will be a doozy: the cranky and intimidating croissant. I made these in May, 2010, and live-blogged it in Crosstalk. And man, those things turned out awesome! My sister has requested them for holiday eating, so I will oblige her and make a public spectacle of myself at the same time.
We will make plain, chocolate, pumpkin pie filled, and possibly blackberry (sister babbled something about blackberries today, but I’m not going to be responsible for procuring them; if she wants ’em she can get ’em). I’ll probably make them the week of the 20th. Keep in mind that they take about 36 hours total (including mixing, rising, kneading, baking), so if you want to make some for your holiday dinner, plan accordingly so that you can Bake Along with Stabby. Also, I’ll post the recipe ahead of time so you know what to shop for.
After croissant will be Butternut Squash with Gorganzola and pecans for Christmas dinner. Homoviper suggested this one. If you have a recipe request, send it my way and we’ll get it done; the family will be more than happy to be our guinea pigs.
Christmas is the most wonderful and incredibly fucking stressful time of the year. To ease the stress a little, I’ve put together this recipe guide to help all of you with ideas on what to bring to your various holiday fetes.
You’re bringing breakfast:
These cranberry muffins are a holiday tradition in the epuff family. I like using mini-muffin trays for them. They do require some forethought as you have to soak the cranberries overnight but otherwise are very simple to make. If you want to be super prepared, you can bake the muffins and then freeze them. Recipe below:
Cranberry Muffins
1 Cup raw cranberries, chopped
¾ Cup sugar, divided
2 Cups flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 egg, beaten
¾ Cup buttermilk
¼ Cup shortening, melted
In a small glass bowl, let cranberries stand overnight in ½ C. sugar. In large bowl, sift together remaining ¼ C. sugar, flour, soda and salt. Stir in egg, buttermilk and shortening all at once until moistened (Do not stir for too long). Stir in cranberries. Fill greased muffin pans 2/3 full. Bake in preheated 400 degree oven 20 minutes. Makes 18 full sized muffins.
You’re bringing a side:
I always try to be unique with sides since it’s so easy to fall into a trap with boring sides. I also try to add some color to holiday meals. Below, you’ll find my recipe for a yellow rice pilaf with carrots, celery, green onion, Craisins, and pecans:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C diced celery
1/2 C. diced carrot (matchsticks are good)
salt
pepper
curry
garlic powder
(about 1/2 tsp each)
1 C. rice
Chicken or vegetable broth or water
Saute onion, celery, and carrot in small amount of olive oil for 5 minutes or so. Add seasonings and cook for a few more minutes. Add rice and saute for 2 minutes, stirring to coat rice kernels. Add broth and/or water to 1/4 inch above rice (I use part chicken broth and 1 part water). Cover and cook until rice is tender (about 20 minutes). Add more liquid if necessary.
Stir in:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C. craisins
1/2 C. broken pecan halves
If you want to bring vegetables but steer away from casseroles, one of my favorite things to do is sauté broccoli, red pepper, red onion, and carrots in a little bit of olive oil with lemon juice, thyme, salt, and pepper.
You’re bringing the dressing/stuffing:
May I recommend a bread stuffing made from scratch?
1 qt. bread crumbs (about ½ loaf white bread)
1 qt. cornbread (make up 1 box Jiffy muffin mix)
1 Qt. biscuits (about 8 biscuits – I use the small dinner rolls that come in a tube)
1 C. chopped onion (w/about ¼ C. chopped green onion)
1 C. chopped celery
½ C. chopped parsley
1 ½ tsp. sage
¼ tsp. pepper
2-4 C. chicken broth
½ C. melted butter
2 eggs, slightly beaten
In a large bowl, tear ½ loaf white bread, cooked corn muffins/cornbread, and 8 biscuits into small pieces.
Saute onion, celery in butter. Combine all except butter, eggs, broth. Add butter & eggs, then enough broth to make extra moist. Bake at 350 for about 45 mins.
You’re bringing a main:
Buy a Butterball turkey or Honeybaked ham. Seriously, this shit is a pain in the ass. Don’t even bother. Unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case, I have an excellent spinach lasagna recipe you can ask me about in the comments.
You’re bringing dessert:
My all time favorite holiday dessert is a home baked apple pie. This recipe is from my childhood best friend’s mom, who was a pastry chef so totally knows her shit better than me:
Pie crust for top and bottom
5-6 medium apples, peeled and sliced VERY thin (I use Pink Ladies or Galas)
Juice of ½ lemon
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 Cup flour
1/8 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cloves
1 TBSP cinnamon
¾ Cup sugar
2 TBSP butter
Mix together apples, lemon juice and vanilla. Mix dry ingredients and add to apple mix. Pour into prepared pie crust in pan. Dot top with 2 TBSP butter, sliced. Cover with top crust, crimping sides together. Pierce top crust several times. Brush top crust with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Bake at 425 for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake another 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream (this is my Texas bias coming through).
I hope this recipe guide helps some of you get through cooking block!
Dear Family Member, Friend, or Roommate of Mine from College With Whom This is Our Only Interaction All Year,
We hope that this letter finds you doing well this holiday season! It’s been an interesting and eventful year in our household again.
We’re still living in the same subdivision, and can’t believe that it’s been 7 years already. Ted seems to think we’ll be here forever, probably b/c between the first and second mortgages, we aren’t really in a great position to sell. That said, I know we wouldn’t trade the boat or the trips to Disney or the Grand Canyon in previous years for just about anything. Fortunately, we have lots of photos of those trips.
Speaking of the boat, we didn’t get out on it more than a few times this year, what with the price of gasoline being what it is. I know the kids are disappointed about that, and the lack of a ‘big’ vacation this year. But, I think the road trip we took to Aunt Nancy’s in July was a nice getaway for them, even if there is no theme park or body of water in Lincoln, Nebraska. We managed to make it while sitting through only one dust storm, so it was truly a wonderful time.
Ted is still with the same employer, which we’re thankful for, even though he hasn’t gotten a raise in three years. He’s actually doing so well there that he’s doing his job, and the job of another guy who was let go at the beginning of the year! His boss jokes that maybe this year there’ll be a Christmas bonus, depending on what Obama does with his tax rates. There hasn’t been one of those in five years, but we’ve learned to do without it.
For my part, I’m still working part time at the jewelry store at the mall, mostly while the kids are in school. Granted, now that they’re older, I’ve flirted with going back to work full time, but there doesn’t seem to be much out there for a sociology graduate who hasn’t worked in the field for the last 13 years. Again, though, we’re lucky to both have money coming in, so we won’t complain.
As far as the kids go, Annabelle is in her last year of middle school, and is looking forward to being a full-fledged high schooler (and teenager!). There was a big uproar at her public school this year because a health teacher tried to do a unit on sexual education. It was disconcerting, to say the least. After all, there are some conversations even we won’t have with our daughter.
Randy is finishing up his junior year, and has moved into the top 1/3 of his class. Our state, isn’t exactly known for education, and his school district is mediocre at best, but we’re celebrating the little victories. He’s already started to look at some colleges out west, as he’d really like to go away for a few years. Ted has been urging him, subtly, to look at some of the local community colleges. Our hope is that nobody gets completely crippled by debt that way.
That’s about all of our news. We hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a fruitful New Year!
Love,
Middle America
Looking to serve your guests something a bit more special than beer from a bottle this holiday season? Well, read on. But first, a few pointers. When serving warm punches, keep them an a slow cooker and keep serving glasses warm by placing them in a hot water bath, and make sure you have enough cups that can handle warm liquids. For cold punch promise me that you won’t use ice cubes. Seriously. I want you to promise me. Okay? All right. Instead of those evil taste weakening ice cubes how about thinking ahead and freezing some juice, or ever better, use frozen fruit. At the end of your drink you’ll have some delicious booze infused fruit. If using any carbonated beverages in your punch, make sure to add them last, you can mix the rest of your ingredients and top individual glasses with your fizzy beverage. Lastly, don’t cheap out on the liquor just because it’s going to be mixed with other ingredients, your guests will notice. Trust. Continue reading
You know what the best thing about the winter holiday season is? Of course you do, it’s holiday themed alcohol. Wondering what kind of sweet boozy nectar is the best to get trashed on this holiday season? You’re in the right place.
Gingerbread ale. I was browsing the aisles at Whole Foods one day when I stumbled on this gem. It’s dark, spicy, and tastes likes Christmas (just like me). Sadly, it’s only sold in four-packs, and doesn’t have a wide availability, but if you see it around, it’s definitely worth picking some up.
Pumpkin ale. Dogfish Head’s Punkin Ale is pure deliciousness. It’s the orangey/brown color you expect out of a ‘punkin’ ale, and tastes moderately sweet while being heavy on the spice, but low on the pumpkin. Honorable mention to Blue Moon’s Harvest Moon since it’s more widely available.
Celebration ale. Sierra Nevada’s celebration ale is an amber-ish IPA with extremely bitter after notes. It’s pine-y, earthy, not very sweet, and the bitter lingers for ages. It doesn’t really taste like the holidays, but that doesn’t stop me from consuming mass amounts of this stuff once it’s on the shelves.
Sam Adam’s Winter Classics pack is my go-to party beer during the colder months since there’s a beer in here for even the pickiest drinkers. While I enjoy all of the beers included, the stand-out is really the Holiday Porter. It’s dark, and slightly creamy with a much lighter mouthfeel thank you would expect. But oh-so-good. My runner-up in this pack is the Winter Brew. An amber colored, pumpkin pie-spicy bock