food

256 posts

Ball in the Family

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

The two of us have lots in common: we both continue to love The Office long after everyone else has given up on it, we both revere our KitchenAid mixers, and we both think we’re better than everyone else at Scrabble. But for all our similarities, there will always be one huge difference between us: our backgrounds.

However, good friends and natural-born educators that we are, we’ve always made sure to try to teach each other a little bit more about where we come from. For instance, I, Dahl, taught T_O about the Sabbath, and he now he tries to get me to bail on it every Friday. And I, ~~T_O~~ Ochocinco taught Dahl about Easter and egg hunts, and she promptly invited herself to my family’s annual holiday celebration. Eventually, we discovered that our cultures do have one major thing in common: a reverence of balls.

The_Obvious

Like any good little Catholic kid, I was dragged to church every Sunday. Through all the mumbling of prayers, mouthing of words to hymns when the priest saw me not singing, and making paper footballs out of dollars destined for the collection plate, there was one motivating factor that made it all worth it: meatballs. Going to my grandparents’ house was a post-church tradition, and one that I enjoyed very much. The smell of the impending feast hit you as soon as you got to the front door and the star of the show were the meatballs. My grandma would keep a watchful eye over the pot as family members filed in. There were always a few sauceless ones set aside just for me. (I eventually grew out of my disdain for sauce and graduated from white to regular pizza, much to the relief of my mom.) Food and family were synonymous growing up and Sunday meatballs were very much an important part of that. Not long ago, I went to a restaurant that only served meatballs, and felt a pang of guilt and betrayal for eating anybody else’s but grandma’s.

I gave Grandma Obvious a call asking if I could have her recipe, which like most family favorites is not written down anywhere. I’m afraid the answer I received won’t be very useful to anyone though as the measurements she rattled off included: “2-3 pounds”, “some”, “a few”, and “a generous amount.” What I can tell you is that there is mixed chopped meat (veal, beef, and pork), egg, milk, bread crumbs, and parmigiano cheese. She fries the meatballs so they get a nice brown crust and finishes them in the oven. Noticeably absent is garlic and onion, so yes, this is not a spicy meatball. I suppose that’s relatively controversial as far as meatball recipes go, but with any comfort food, your first food memory tends to be what you prefer.

DahlELama

Unfortunately, because I’m an observant Jew who keeps kosher, both the pork and the combination of meat and dairy products make those lovely balls off limits to me. (But I would not turn my nose up at an all-beef kosher version; just throwing that out there.) Fortunately, we Jews have our own special balls which are 100% kosher. I speak, of course, of matzoh malls!

Like T_O, my grandmother was quite skilled in the kitchen, and although the 7,000-mile distance between us meant I only had her cooking a handful of times in my life, one of my favorite things that my father brought back to our American kitchen from her Czech-turned-Israeli one was her matzoh ball recipe. One of the great debates of the kosher kitchen is whether matzoh balls should be dense or fluffy, and my grandmother’s were as dense as can be. For a recipe for fluffier matzoh balls (and chicken soup to go with them), see TackyTick’s Passover post. For my grandmother’s matzoh balls, see below:

Savta’s Matzoh Balls

4 eggs
1 c. matzoh meal
1/2 c. oil
1/2 tsp. salt
boiling chicken soup/stock/broth/whatever (basically, whatever liquid you’ll be serving them in should be prepared first)

Mix all ingredients until smooth. Place in refrigerator for one hour (or freeze for 20 minutes). Roll into balls about an inch in diameter and drop into pot of boiling chicken liquid-of-choice. Cook partially covered for 40 minutes.

If you’re feeling ambitious and artsy, you can also try giving your matzoh balls some color using spinach, turmeric, or tomato.

So those are our favorite balls; tell us about yours in the comments!

DahlELama and The_Obvious are parents to two adorable chicks named Nuggets and General Tso, who are currently living with a foster mother in Connecticut. The chicks were taken away following a traumatic incident involving The_Obvious and some brutally decapitated Peeps.

Recipe Sunday: Cheese Tortellini With Green Apple Cream Sauce

This recipe has been passed around my family for years. It is our go-to date night recipe, which means that all of my cousins have made this dish for boys that they were trying to impress. This is crazy, seeing as there is a TON of onion in this recipe, and the cream sauce is not necessarily light, making everyone feel like beached whales after the meal. SEXY. I will say that many men have fallen prey to the charms of this recipe, just not on the night of the date.

Cheese Tortellini With Green Apple Cream Sauce
Serves 4 (easy to halve)
Prep time: Approx. 15 minutes
Cook time: Approx. 15 minutes

Ingredients

1 lb cheese tortellini
¼ lb diced ham
½ cup Parmesan cheese, grated
1 stick butter
1 onion, chopped
1 cup whipping cream
½ Granny Smith apple, grated
1 tablespoon flour
¼ cup brandy
ground black pepper to taste
pinch of nutmeg
Zantac, 75 mg.

Directions
Take 1 Zantac. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add the flour and stir together to create a paste. Add onion and apple, and saute for about 4 minutes. Add brandy, and cook for 3 minutes. Add cream, cheese, ham, pepper, and nutmeg. Turn heat to medium-low and bring to a boil, stirring constantly, about 5 minutes. Serve over cooked tortellini. If you have leftovers, it is best to re-heat them over the stove. If you microwave them, the sauce tends to separate, which means you’ll be left with a whole bunch of butter on the top.

Please share your favorite “date night” recipes below. If you have any funny anecdotes dealing with dating and your cooking, I would love to hear those as well!

Photos courtesy of scottfeldstein and cbransto.

Meet the Little Flockers

My life has been rather crazed as of late, so I apologize for the absence of chicken updates. This has been a rather inopportune time to have new babies in my charge, but it has also been a welcome distraction.

Chicken Mailer — This box is smaller than 8x11

The twelve chickens arrived via the United States Postal system in this box:

Yes, they were all jammed in there the day of their hatching and then shipped out. They had plenty of wiggle room, but I am sure they huddled together for warmth. Immediately upon getting them home I had to teach them how to eat and drink by shoving their heads into the water and food dispensers under the warm glow of the infrared brooder box I made with a Trader Joe’s Box and a red infrared light to keep them a toasty 95F.

The stress of the travel and new home gave the chickens a bad case of pasty butt, which is very common. For those not in the know, pasty butt is when the poop of the chickies blocks their vent — the place from which they both poop and eventually lay eggs.

Sort of goes against the whole idea of don’t shit where you eat, but that is Mother Nature for you.

This is life threatening so you must remove the pasty butt. The babies hated it as I needed to dunk their rear ends in warm water to soften the poop up and then remove it; usually with some feathers or down. Lots of struggling went on, but when a baby weighs about 4 oz, I was able to show that poop who was boss.

After curing the pasty butt and preventing further occurrences by giving them ground-up golden flax seed, life on the farm proceeded as it does during spring time — noisily. I had to move the babies to a bigger brooder box because they outgrew the initial one. Each week I will raise the infrared lamp up a touch to lower the brooder box temp. The chickens no longer need it to be 95 F because they are growing feathers at a rapid rate. They will head outdoors once they are fully-feathered which should be in the next two weeks or so.

We had a naming contest a while back. Frankly they all looked the same, so it was useless to assign a name at that time. Now that they are getting feathers, it is easy to tell them apart. Below are the winners. Meet the new flock!

Elizabird Taylor is a Salmon Faverolle (MotherGooch).

Elizabird is beautiful, gentle, loving and supports AIDS research. On the down side, she is likely to steal her best friend’s cock.

Mushpickle is a Speckled Sussex (BBQCornuts’ son).

Mushpickle loves to snuggle. It is fun to say “Mushpickle is a Speckled Sussex.” Go on, say it like 10 times, really fast.

Margaret Hatcher is an Silver Cuckoo Maran (TackyTick).

Margaret is stoic and supports Trickle Down economic theory. She also misses The Gipper. She is one of my faves.

Henifer Lopez is a Buff Orphington (DogsofWar).

Henifer is needy and will get a big rear end.

Maude is a Naked Neck (Homoviper).

Maude is noisy.

Nuggets is Buff Orphington (Dahl and The_Obvious).

Nugget loves to sit in my hand. I bet she’d like honey mustard.

Foxy is a Silver Cuckoo Maran (DidacticTactics).

Foxy is going to be a pretty bird, but I found it distressing to name a bird Foxy given we lost north of 12 birds last year to a fox.

Cadbury is an Easter Egger (Dancing Queen).

Cannot wait for Cadbury’s blue or green eggs. She also tends to hop about.

General Tso is one of the wildcards and I haven’t figured out which breed she is yet (The_Obvious via Dahl).

I am looking forward to figuring out what General Tso is. I wonder if, once I find out what she is, if I will become hungry again.

Camilla is a Salmon Faverolle (Six Thirty).

Camilla is sweet-natured and gets bullied by Maude constantly. Where is Gonzo when you need him? Men.

Mavis is a Speckled Sussex. (EDIT: I forgot to credit Cornflowerbleume)

She has a fondness for cocks with big chins.

Gayle is a Speckled Sussex (Dancing Queen).

Her best friend will be a Black Orphington named Oprah.

Other notable names that didn’t make the cut:

From BaldwinP a very long list of chicken dishes including A la King, Kiev, Tikka and Vindaloo. BaldwinP had lots of Fonzes (yes, I think the Fonz should be a proper noun), but I couldn’t figure out for which name. So sorry BaldwinP, you lose. DidacticTactics thought Dix (as in Dixie Chicks) would be a great name so we could have lots of dick jokes. I have to agree and my husband thought it was a most excellent idea — maybe the next batch of birds. Someone who clearly doesn’t know me well suggested Justice Ginsberg; aside from the fact she physically resembles a bird, that name would never do at chez momof3.

Of course, if I ever get a rooster it will be named DearBrutus as he has a big cock as he proudly told us all. However in my experience, those who crow the most about their size tend to have {ahem} performance issues.

*A special thank you goes to my 10-year old daughter Megan who snagged most of the chicks for me before school today so I could photograph them. Although she will never read this post and thank you due to all the cock references.

Top image via Fishboy

Passover Recipes: Matzo Ball Soup, Charoset, and Macaroons

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One week from today, my home will be filling up with the smells of Seder dinner. Chicken soup will be simmering on the stove. Brisket will be roasting in the oven. The food processor will be chopping up apples and walnuts. My husband will be snacking on macaroons.

What is a Seder Dinner?

The Seder dinner is a tradition for the first night, or for some people the first two nights, of Passover. Seder, which is a Hebrew word meaning order, is an evening of rituals, such as eating matzo and bitter herbs, drinking four cups of wine (many of us have adapted that ritual to four sips), telling the story of Exodus and eating the Seder meal.

During the Seder, and the following eight days of Passover, we remember the Exodus when our ancestors escaped from being slaves in Egypt. We eat matzo and refrain from eating other grains because our ancestors did not have time to let their bread rise. We eat bitter herbs to remember the bitterness in their lives. We eat charoset to remember the mortar they used to build the pyramids.

What Is Not Eaten?

I could write an entire post on what is or is not kosher for Passover. This is the quick overview.

The foods that can not be eaten on Passover are called chametz: wheat, spelt, oats, barley, and rye. Many Jewish people of European descent, including me, also do not eat kitniyot: corn, rice, legumes and some seeds. The reason? The quick answer is we deny ourselves foods our ancestors were not able to eat during the Exodus and the only food containing grain we eat is matzo. Matzo is unleavened bread, almost like a large cracker, made from only flour and water and baked for less than 18 minutes. Matzo can be ground into matzo meal to be used in many recipes during Passover. A fine matzo meal is similar to a course flour, while a course matzo meal is similar to bread crumbs. There are a few reasons many of us refrain from eating kitniyot, but it is basically to prevent accidentally eating chametz.

Many Jewish people who do not keep regularly keep kosher follow the general rules of Kashrut, dietary law, during Passover. That means we do not eat pork or other meat from animals with cloven hooves that chew their cud. We do not mix meat and dairy. We only eat seafood that has fins and scales, which means we do not eat shellfish. This website has a good overview.

Some Traditional Recipes

I am sharing with you a few of my favorite traditional Passover recipes. I’ll be making these and many other foods for my Seder dinner. Please share your own favorites in the comments. Maybe you can help me decide what side dish is missing from my menu.

My Mom’s Chicken Soup

Whether you are making this soup for Passover or just everyday enjoyment, the recipe depends on using kosher chickens. Kosher chickens are soaked and salted before packaging and that makes a significant difference in the taste.

Makes 12 cups of soup

2 kosher chickens, each 3 lbs plus, cut into quarters (include the neck and any organs – they will add lots of flavor)
About 14 cups water
3 large carrots, cleaned and cut in thirds
1 large white turnip, cleaned not peeled; cut in half
1 large parsnip. cleaned
4 stalks celery, each cut in half
1 whole onion, peeled
3 leeks
1-1/2 bunch parsley
1 -1/2 bunch dill
Salt to taste (about 2 teaspoons to one tablespoon)

Clean chicken thoroughly. Cut away excess fat and discard. Pour boiling water over chickens prior to putting in pot. Put chickens in a large stock pot and pour water up to about ¼ of an inch over the chickens. Bring to a boil and skim off fat and scum during the first 10 minutes of boiling. Lower heat to allow stock to simmer. After one hour, remove about half the chicken. (This chicken will make great chicken salad, the chicken that cooks the whole time will have lost most its flavor.) Add carrots, white turnip and parsnip. Bring back to boil, lower heat and simmer for 10 minutes before adding celery, onion and leeks. Bring to a boil once again, lower heat and simmer for another 10 minutes before adding parsley and dill. Bring to a boil for a final time and simmer for 30 minutes.

Strain the soup before serving so you have a clear broth. I strain it from the ladle as I pour each bowl. In my family, we serve the soup with one large matzo ball and a piece of carrot. Some people like to shred some of the chicken and add it to the soup. As a child, it was a treat to get the neck or the gizzards.

For the matzo balls, my mother always told me there is no better recipe than the recipe on the side of the box of Manischewitz matzo meal. We are a family that believes matzo balls should float, not sink.

Charoset

Adapted from The Complete Passover Cookbook, Frances R. AvRutick

4 apples, cored and cut into 1 inch chunks (many people peel the apples, but why cut away all that fiber?)
1 cup chopped or ground walnuts
2 teaspoons cinnamon
6 teaspoons kosher red wine or grape juice

Put all ingredients in a food processor and pulse until very finely chopped. Ideally, the charoset should resemble a chunky mortar, as it should remind us of the mortars used to build the Egyptian pyramids. Some people prefer a chunkier charoset.

Charoset is my favorite Passover food. Every Passover, I wonder why I don’t make charoset throughout the year. It is simple and delicious. But I know that, in my heart, I want to keep charoset special so I only allow myself the cinnamon apple goodness during the eight days of Passover.

Coconut Macaroons

This recipe is adapted from Alton Brown’s Toasty Coconut Macaroons.

4 large egg whites
A pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup of sugar
8 ounces unsweetened coconut
12 oz semi-sweet dairy-free chocolate chips
1 oz vegetable shortening

Bring eggs to room temperature. Whip eggs, a pinch of salt and vanilla until they stiffen. Add sugar in three parts and continue to whip until very stiff. Fold in the coconut, being very careful not to over mix. You want to keep the mixture as light and fluffy as possible.

Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper. Drop batter onto paper using a teaspoon. Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes, checking periodically to makes sure they do not burn. You want a nice golden color on the top, but the cookie won’t be too firm.

In a double broiler, or a metal bowl over a pot of about 2 inches slightly bowling water, melt the chocolate chips with the shortening. Dip the cookies in the chocolate so the chocolate covers about half the cookie and let dry on parchment paper.

(Special thanks to DahlELama for making sure this Reform Penguin didn’t make any mistakes)

Matzoh Ball Photo: Flickr

Recipe Sunday: Passover Edition, Asparagus Soup With A Bitter-Herb Gremolata

What is a shiksa, a goy, a lapsed Catholic doing writing one of the Crasstalk Passover recipes? Well, because it’s a chance to delve into history that’s not my own, and possibly become a better friend – by making asparagus and leek soup with a horseradish gremolata.

My best friend in high school, (oh, so many years ago), is Jewish. And she left our hometown in Vermont after marrying a nice Jewish boy who was going to be attending medical school in Alabama.

But before she left, she asked me to hold the huppah at her wedding. For those of you who aren’t already familiar with the huppah, picture a wedding tent with – as you might expect – four poles. Now picture a tent whose four poles aren’t pushed into the ground, but instead held up by loved ones of a bride and groom. My friend “Dana’s” future husband’s brothers held up three of the poles and I, who in 1992 was a whopping 125 pounds soaking wet, was holding up the fourth. The tent was over 50-feet long and so incredibly heavy that by the time “Dana” started down the aisle, my elbows had buckled. By the time she made it to her fiance, my arms were shaking uncontrollably, and men in the first row were mouthing the question, “Do you need help?” I shook my head, “No.” Because I could not physically unclench my fingers.

They were paralyzed, as if I’d been playing that children’s game in which you curl your fingers into someone else’s fingers and pull back hard for a few seconds and, (voila!), you have paralyzed fingers. I thought of that game the entire time my best friend was getting married. It distracted me from crying, though.

“Dana” left for Alabama the next week, and she has been down there for nearly 20 years. Since then, she has become incredibly involved in an Alabama synagogue, and that has brought out a new and much more religiously devout woman, a woman I am still getting to know.

So, when the idea of this post came up, I was thrilled. I love any chance to work with food. But, then it dawned on me that I know nothing about a traditional Passover meal, other than “no leavened bread.” And to write this article I had to do a lot of research, and put some thought into the meaning of the food that means so much to so many people. Now, at least I know that forbidden leavened products are called chametz.

I chose this recipe specifically for its spring ingredients (hello asparagus!) and for the fact that the maror, (a group of bitter herbs that symbolize the bitterness of slavery under the Pharohs), would marry perfectly with the asparagus. Instead of using the traditional freshly grated horseradish I used homemade prepared horseradish. (This is made by my grandmother, who makes it once a year in a dedicated blender. She doesn’t do this to make sure that the horseradish is kosher – she does it because the horseradish is so pungent that it can’t be washed away.) In a nod to the fact that many people who celebrate Passover have special dishes that they serve it from – dishes that have never had contact with chametz – I used a pretty soup bowl that my mother gave me. I’m not a hundred percent sure that it has never come into contact with chametz, but I’m 99% sure; She’s not a big fan of crackers or bread with soup.

And just putting this meal together has helped me feel a little bit closer to my friend in Alabama, who I’ve only seen a handful of times over the last two decades.

At any rate, posting a recipe for Passover is more useful to “Dana” than the time I helped her get married.

Asparagus and Leek Soup With a Horseradish Gremolata
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Olive oil
Salt and pepper
1 large bunch of asparagus.
4 large leeks
1/4 cup of white wine (I used Pinot Grigio, but very few people will judge you if you use White Zin.)
4 cups of chicken broth

Gremolata

1 teaspoon of flat leaf parsley
1 teaspoon of lemon zest
1 teaspoon of prepared horseradish
1 teaspoon of diced shallots (Garlic is traditional, but I loathe it, so I substituted shallots.)

Trim asparagus by bending the stalk until it breaks naturally. Place asparagus on a sheet pan with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and salt and pepper. Roast the asparagus for 10 minutes, or until it has browned slightly. (You don’t want to overcook the asparagus, you just want it soft with color.) While the asparagus is cooking, wash the leeks thoroughly, slice them, and saute them in olive oil in a soup pot. Once they have wilted, add the white wine and cook until they are very soft. Chop the cooked asparagus in half and add to the soup pot. Add the chicken broth. Blend the vegetables and broth until smooth. Either do this in batches in a blender or use an emulsifier. Then heat the soup, ladle into bowls and add the horseradish, lemon zest, scallion, and parsley.

The soup is simple to make, and it’s very thin – nearly a consomme. But, it’s incredibly delicious, and the gremolata adds a layer of flavor that makes this little soup big and bold. This isn’t meant to be the centerpiece of a Passover meal, but it would make a lovely springlike and kosher beginning to a heavier dinner.

(Special thanks to DahlELama for her help.)

Recipe Saturday: Mushroom Chicken Rice

Ask almost anyone what their favourite food was when they were a child, and chances are, they can give you an immediate answer. Because I love food and am indecisive, my answer would probably be a mixture of foods Momma DS used to make for me- grilled cheese, banana slices in milk for breakfast, Kraft Dinner, sliced cucumbers soaked in salt and vinegar, Chocolate chip cookies made so many times mom and I no longer needed to look at the recipe… and Mushroom Chicken Rice.

Of all the foods mom made for us, this one has remained both my brother’s and my favourite food that reminds us of our childhood. As well, this recipe is my go-to meal when I want plenty of leftovers for work lunches. (Ok, breakfast too. I love leftovers for breakfast!) Mom’s recipe was simpler than the 0ne I now use, but no less delicious. I’ve modified it over the years through trial and error, before finally settling upon this particular method.

I tend to eye-ball it when making recipes, but I will do my best to break everything down into measurable quantities.

Ingredients:

1 big-ass casserole dish. Mine is big enough to bake a chicken in. I don’t know the actual dimensions.

3 cups of Minute Rice (I never said this was fancy food!)

6 (or so) cans of Campbells Mushroom soup (I’ve tried no name brands, but don’t like the taste. If you have a canned version you prefer over mine, go nuts.)

A package of chicken thighs (6 or so?). My mom used chicken breasts, but I find then too dry for my tastes. Again, if you prefer white meat, feel free to substitute it in.

Salt, Pepper, Cayenne Pepper for a bit of heat.

Oven temperature: 350 or so.

Lets get cooking!

First of all, I was a dunce and bought chicken thighs with the bone in. If you did too, go ahead and carve those suckers out.

Next, you’ll want to cook the rice. I usually make about 3 cups of Minute Rice.

(3 cups of rice, 3 cups of water, dash of salt and a little bit of margarine in the water.) I tend to add more rice than water so it comes out firm- that way, it will absorb some of the mushroom soup while baking. I usually add an extra handful, or about 3/4 cup.

While I am waiting for the rice to absorb it’s water, I cook the chicken. This was the first time I used chicken thighs, and I was pleased with how they turned out. It doesn’t matter if the skins are left on or off. I left them on just to experiment, but to make the dish a bit healthier I would remove them next time. Season the raw meat with a bit of salt n’ pepper, and fry then up in a hot pan greased with a bit of EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) till they are cooked through. Remove from pan and set side.

To save doing extra dishes, I empty out the cooked rice into the casserole dish I plan to bake the food in, Using the now empty pot, I empty my cans of mushroom soup into it and heat the soup over medium until it starts to become hot and runny, stirring often so the bottom doesn’t burn. I don’t add water or milk because it isn’t necessary, and would only dilute the flavour. I season the soup-goop mixture with a dash of salt (1/2 a teaspoon maybe?), a bunch of black pepper and a generous shake of cayenne pepper to give the recipe a bit of kick, without being spicy.

Now is the time to add the rice back into the soup. I cook the mixture for a few minutes, just so it’s all mixed together.

I spray my empty baking dish with a light coating of cooking spray, and spoon in a small layer of the rice mixture till the bottom is covered.

Next, I layer the cooked chicken pieces around the dish, and cover it with the remaining soup/rice mixture. Sometimes I’ll add an extra can of mushroom soup to the top of the casserole to make it extra delicious- the soup looses some of it’s moisture while baking and turns into a nice, creamy sauce.

I put the cover on the dish and bake it at around 350 F for about 45 minutes- just long enough for

The rice to absorb some of the soup, but not so long that the edges begin to get crispy and dehydrated. You never want to cook it so long that the layer of soup on top evaporates- that top layer of soup is my favourite part.

Now it’s time to eat! This dish is so easy to make as a side or vegetarian- just reduce the proportions and leave out the chicken.

Enjoy!

The Ultimate Dinner Party

“In the well-planned dinner for ten, there should be (taking out the host and hostess): two sparklies from different fields, four solid listeners and contributors from assorted professions, one charity case and one mystery guest whose classification will not be clear until after being auditioned at this dinner.” Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin

As usual, Miss Manners’ prescription is firmly delivered, but is it definitive?? Many experts on entertaining suggest that six rather than eight guests is the ideal number for a perfect dinner party. Some assert that the number of men and women should be balanced (and seated boy-girl-boy-girl); a subset of this group even continues to assume that all the guests are actually couples.

Others have a more free-form approach, encompassing, say, singleton invitees (of whom, clearly, there must be two unless you include a ménage a trois among your guests as well) or gay couples (who make the boy-girl alternation infinitely more complicated to carry off). In short, who knows? Well, for purposes of this post, you do. Six guests or eight guests, it’s up to you.

A “mystery guest”? Your choice. Do you dare make every guest an A-list “sparkly” who is used to being the center of attention? Can you pick a group whose conversation will sizzle and pop without turning your dining room into an inferno of disagreement and angry discord?

This little game is your chance to show off your party-planning skillz and indulge your own Inner Miss Manners. Your task is to pick a guest list of six (or eight, but no more) whom you believe would make for an unforgettable dinner party. You may select anyone, real or fictional, from any period in history. Mixing the real and the imaginary is allowed, although true purists will pick one or the other.

If you’re a stickler for the proprieties you can further increase the degree of difficulty by balancing the female/male ratio, specifying a seating chart, or applying Miss Manners’ rules to the letter. More to the point is your brief explanation of: why this person? As a foil for another guest, or a gadfly whose inclusion will liven things up, or just because you personally would like to ask him or her a particular question (and if so, what is that question)? Is your goal to solve the problems of the world by putting Socrates and Thomas Jefferson on either side of Jane Austen, or would you rather foment World War 3 by setting a place for Michael Moore between Jan Brewer and Sarah Palin?? The possibilities are endless.

I’ll begin (though, full disclosure, this is not my Be-All-End-All guest list but simply an example.

1. Alexander the Great – Did Aristotle grade on a curve?

2. Pamela Churchill Hayward Harriman – “Greatest courtesan of the century” (W. Paley).

3. Giacomo Casanova – Will he prefer to romance Pam or Betty?

4. Betty Boop – A toss-up between her and Daria Morgendorffer.

5. Marquis de Sade – Will he prefer to torture Betty or Mary.

6. The Virgin Mary — Well, was she?? And what does she make of the Marquis?

7. Daffy Duck – Exactly when will he blow his top?

8. Emily Dickinson – What will she say at dinner? What will she write afterward?

Over to you, Crassies.

Baking while Vegan

Everyone appreciates a sweet and delicious treat. Everyone with functioning taste buds, anyway. One of the more common questions I get about being vegan is how I make things without eggs or cows’ milk. In fact, it’s actually very easy. Whether you want to impress your vegan friend or your non-vegan ones, here I’ll discuss the common baking substitutes and post a delicious cupcake recipe!

Milk
You can put almost any other kind of milk in place of cow’s milk. Soy, almond, rice, and hemp milk are all options. I would consider soy milk to be kind of “neutral” in taste when baking. Rice milk is somewhat thinner than the other kinds. I love using almond milk in baking, but if I think there might be someone with a nut allergy I’ll stick to the other kinds.

Butter/Margarine
Earth Balance is the best vegan margarine for your fake buttery needs. It’s non-hydrogenated, too, so it’s kind of better for you! It’s not always easy to find, so another option is Fleischmann’s unsalted margarine. For some reason their unsalted margarine is vegan, but the regular stuff is not.

Eggs
Eggs are kind of tougher than replacing cow’s milk or margarine. In general, your go-to egg substitute is Ener-G Egg Replacer, which can be found in Whole Foods and other health food stores. It’s largely made from potato and tapioca starch, and can be used in pretty much any recipe you have. One egg equals 1.5 teaspoons of Ener-G plus 2 tablespoons of water.

Ground flax seeds are very useful in baking, and you can pretend your cookies are healthy too! The best way to go with these is to buy whole flax seeds and grind them as needed. If you buy ground flax seeds, make sure to put the bag/jar in the freezer when you’re not using them to preserve the nutrients. One egg equals 1 tablespoon of ground flax seeds plus 3 tablespoons of water. This website has more info on using flax seeds as an egg substitute.

Silken tofu can be used as well, at a conversion rate of ¼ cup of whipped silken tofu for one egg. Silken tofu is good for puddings and pies, as well as cakes and whatnot you want to be a little thicker and more moist.

Other foods can be used to replace eggs, but the following ones will change the taste of whatever you’re making. Bananas are great to use (especially in recipes that involve chocolate!), as they are good binding agents. Applesauce can also be used in place of eggs, though I would say that this option generally does not help keep everything together as well as the other substitutes. Maple syrup can also be used to an extent, and is my favorite egg replacement when making pancakes.

Finally, as promised, one of my favorite cupcake recipes.

Chocolate Banana Cupcakes, from the Post Punk Kitchen
Ingredients:

¾ cup sugar
5 Tablespoons butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 banana, mushed well
1 cup all-purpose flour
¼ cup unsweetened cocoa
½ teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
½ cup milk

1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
2. Combine the first three ingredients in a large bowl, mixing well.
3. Add banana, stirring well to combing. You might have to use your fingers to smush some of the larger chunks of banana.
4. Combine the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt; stirring well with a whisk.
5. Add the flour mixture to the sugar mixture alternately with ½ cup milk, beginning and ending with the flour mixture; mix after each addition.
6. Spoon the batter into 12 muffin cups.
7. Bake for 20 minutes or until the cupcakes spring back easily when touched lightly in the center.
8. Allow to cool, and frost if desired (I highly recommend a peanut butter frosting).
Enjoy!

We All Have Pet Peeves

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I’m somewhat of a gadabout. I’m easygoing, good for a laugh down at the Diogenes club, and sometimes, when you keep me from getting too foxed, I will talk about something interesting. Ladies and Gentlemen like me because most petty affronts don’t get to me. I’m not easily offended, I’m not quick to quarrel and generally, odds are pretty good that after a night of drinking and banter with me, you will not be greeted at the door the next morning by my second, laying out the formalities of the duel we will have later in the day.

But, dear lord, I have pet peeves. Certain behaviors just leave me vexed. Oddly, they all, ALL surround the eating of comestibles. Yes, my peeves surround the consumption of various and sundry foodstuffs. Below I list the top 4 pet peeves. I challenge you to explain why I’m just being a beef-witted puttock, or to defend me. Better yet, fill the below posts with your own pet peeves. Tis a noble thing to vent frustrations on the internet.

Now for my food-borne pet peeves:

Chewing gum with your mouth open. Yes, we are all guilty of this, however that does not absolve you of your responsibilities to your fellow passengers on the omnibus, hansom or tramway. Whenever I see someone chewing vocally, I am reminded of cows, lazily chewing their cud upon the rolling hills and dales of the Cotswolds. Be less bovine.

Rakes and rapscallions who start eating their potato chips before they have fully closed their mouths. The mouth becomes an echo-chamber that blasts the sound of your chip-destruction for miles, like a salivaic alpine yodel. I have such a ‘gentleman’ at my local club. Worse yet, he is a slow eater. I am daily serenaded with his chip cacophony symphony for a hour. I have walked out of Gilbert and Sullivan plays for being that long.

People who slurp noodles or soup. Thank God I was in India for the Boxer Rebellion, for I am told the whole of China does this.

People who enjoy victual pleasures too much. Do not serenade me with sounds of gustatory pleasure that rival the noises of a Whitechapel Dollymop. I am not fornicating with my sandwich next to you so please spare me the auditory sensations of you taking Arabian delights from your Turkish delight. That new German pastry may indeed be better than sex, but perhaps you should just lie back and think of cricket. Better yet, pretend that God watches you eat, even though we know he’s too busy watching after the English empire to care what you continentals do.

What are the little things (or big things) that you really can’t stand?

-Baconcat

The Sad Plight of the Misnamed and Out of Place

Recently Google decided to give Kansas City, KS free internet access. This is great for Kansas City, KS, but confusing for journalists without maps. Many of you already know that Kansas City, KS is a small neighborhood-like attachment to Kansas City, MO. Obviously the names are confusing and it would cost Google far too much money to wire up all of the larger KC. What other confusing names are out there?

Higher Eduction

Miami University is not in Florida, it’s in Oxford, OH. Oxford, OH borrowing its name from Oxford England. The name of the school comes from the Miami Valley which is carved by the Great Miami River. The river taking its name from the native American Miami people.

Washington University is not in Washington state or Washington DC, it’s in St. Louis. Not that Google is helping in this situation.

Yes, the University of Washington is located in Seattle, though Washington State University is much closer to Idaho than Seattle.

Pennsylvania probably wins the prize here being home to California University of Pennsylvania and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Both are name after the Pennsylvania towns in which they reside. I blame the people who named these towns.

Cities

Vancouver, British Columbia is not on Vancouver Island, Victoria and Nanaimo are though. It also shouldn’t be confused with Vancouver, WA which is on the other side of the Columbia River from Portland, OR. George Vancouver was a British Royal Navy captain who explored the Pacific Northwest and like explorers he has many things named after him.

So many towns in Oklahoma. The following are all located where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.

Burbank
Chattanooga
Cleveland
Fargo
Miami
Orlando
Peoria
Pittsburgh
Santa Fe
St. Louis

Food

Welsh rabbit has no rabbit in it and may not have originated in Wales. It’s a savory sauce made primarily of melted cheese and served over toast. The childhood me is perfectly happy with regular old cheese toast though. Bread, butter, two slices of American cheese, toaster oven, go.

The marketing of certain foods has also forced some odd name choices. The Chilean sea bass is most certainly not a bass, it’s a Patagonian toothfish. Not surprisingly it wasn’t selling well as toothfish so the name was changed and it was marketed as a sea bass. According to the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch you should think twice about eating this fish though.

Similar to the toothfish, rapeseed oil just wasn’t selling for some reason. Again a name change was in order and we now know it as canola oil which gets its name from the abreviation for Canadian oil, low acid. Even the Canada part isn’t accurate these days since as of 2004, 91% of the canola oil in the US comes from North Dakota.

Mincemeat isn’t made of meat at all. It may have been a long time ago, but now it’s a combination of fruits, nuts and brandy often baked into pies. My grandfather loved the stuff and I haven’t found another person on the planet who likes it.

What common, places, items, musical acts or schools do you find infuriatingly misnamed?