Botswana Meat Commission FC

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Botswana Meat Commission FC created Crasstalk.com when he saw the need for a crowdsourced solution to capturing Osama bin Laden. His heroes include Nick Denton and all Bronies ever.

Check the narrative: Great moments in story rap

8 comments

Not all rap is just endless metaphors and wordplay. The “story rap” packs its narrative into a 3 minute single. Here are some of my favorite story raps. I even tried to pull from different regions and styles. NYC is heavily represented of course. That’s mainly because of Nas, Mos Def and Gang Starr, who all seem to love doing story raps. But don’t forget the Dirty South and West coast. They’re representin’ too.


“Crime Story” by DMX
An armed robbery goes wrong, so the scofflaw is forced to hide from the police. While in hiding, the protagonist reflects on his life and decides his only option is a suicide mission against the precinct house. Note the cameo by a young Ja Rule.


“I Gave You Power” by Nas
Nas is probably one of the rappers most closely associated with story raps. This one is written from the POV of a gun. It’s a risky narrative strategy but I think it works. And unlike an actual gunshot wound, the song’s nice jazzy 90s beat doesn’t hurt.


“It Was a Good Day” by Ice Cube
A day in the life of Ice Cube, rapped over top of a thick Isley Brothers sample. Sometimes everything really is alright. As Mr. Cube would say, sometimes you just need to “put that ass to sleep.”


“Betrayal” by Gang Starr feat. Scarface
Between Gang Starr’s Guru and Scarface, these are two of the greatest rap voices ever. On this track Scarface tells a story about an athletically-gifted kid who tries to live a clean life until “a group of knuckleheads came through jumpin.”


“The Heist” by Big L
Big L teaches us how to set someone up for a robbery/mugging. Maybe if OJ listened to this he wouldn’t be in prison now. Oh well.


“Crosstown Beef” by Medina Green feat. Mos Def
This track was on the classic “Soundbombing 2” album. No one remembers who Medina Green even was, but he and Mos came up with a great one here. This is pretty much exactly how I imagine it feels to be caught up in gang drama.


“Memory Lane” by Nas
From the classic Illmatic album, Nas takes us back to his childhood. He was only like 18 when he wrote this, though, so I suspect he’s really just an excellent storyteller.


“Back in the Day” by Ahmad
I couldn’t name one other song by Ahmad, but this song is pure win. He even makes references to Gazelles and Turkish links. A perfect ode to 80s rap innocence.


“Once Upon A Time” by T.I.
From T.I.’s “Fuck a Mixtape” mixtape, this is a story rap where someone is heard asking T.I. why doesn’t do story raps no more. Awesome, I know. Also, T.I.’s story about an encounter with a strange visitor to your stash house is damn interesting.


“I’ve Committed Murder” by Gang Starr feat. Mos Def and Macy Gray
Do you hate your job? Is your boss a raging asshole? If so, listen to this slice of revenge fantasy. Macy Gray is practically perfect in this song.


“How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend” by Jean Grae
Instead of killing people, how about we just cut them loose? Jean Grae teaches you how to end a bad relationship. I feel like Chuck Finley could have used this one.


“Me and Jesus the Pimp in a 79 Granada Last Night” by The Coup
One of the greatest song titles ever created, this one is an absolutely epic story about the evils of prostitution. Human misery has never sounded quite this good.


“Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You)” by UGK feat. Outkast
Andre3000 steals the show on this one. His verse is just incredible. Going back through his various hook-ups and girlfriends, he walks us through his new Grown Ass Man shit. Then Pimp C (RIP!), wearing enough fur to destroy PETA singlehandedly, takes us through his random sexual conquests and disregard for traffic safety. This is sure to be a hit at your next wedding reception!

How to start commenting on #Crasstalk

429 comments

Ok, dogs and poodles (shout out to the 2 Live Stews), gather round. If you’re having trouble posting comments or want to start posting comments on Crasstalk, here’s how you do it.

Crasstalk uses a commenting system called IntenseDebate. It’s not necessarily perfect, but it’s very nice. Many, many sites also use the same system. For example, Wonkette has been using ID for the past year or two and it’s believed that their commentariat is decisively winning the internet war against the Paultards, Tea Partiers, PUMAs, RedStaters, SkoalRebel and other crazies.

So how do I get started?

To post comments here you MUST create an IntenseDebate account. Using IntenseDebate is easy once you’re set up with a new account.

Here’s how to create a new IntenseDebate account.

Note: IntenseDebate accounts have absolutely NOTHING to do with WordPress accounts. The WordPress author accounts we use here on the site are NOT the same as WordPress.com accounts. So even if Botswana has approved you as an author, you STILL have to create a brand new IntenseDebate account.

IntenseDebate accounts are used across any site that uses the ID commenting system. This is pretty neat. It means you can go over to, say, Wonkette and post a comment with your same exact profile/avatar. The one downside is that if your name is fairly common or very long, you’ll have to tweak it. Don’t worry if it tells you your desired user name is already taken. Just try putting in an underscore or writing it slightly differently.

If you have any issues using IntenseDebate, please go read their support site.

Also, I made changes to the About page, so if you’re curious about getting an author account, go there.

Making Food with Stabby

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Attention! Attention! This is to inform all readers of a new, Just In Time For The Holidays, cooking and baking column. Stabby will bake/broil/fry/steam/boil it first so that you don’t have to be frightened to try it.

The inaugural column will be a doozy: the cranky and intimidating croissant. I made these in May, 2010, and live-blogged it in Crosstalk. And man, those things turned out awesome! My sister has requested them for holiday eating, so I will oblige her and make a public spectacle of myself at the same time.

We will make plain, chocolate, pumpkin pie filled, and possibly blackberry (sister babbled something about blackberries today, but I’m not going to be responsible for procuring them; if she wants ’em she can get ’em). I’ll probably make them the week of the 20th.  Keep in mind that they take about 36 hours total (including mixing, rising, kneading, baking), so if you want to make some for your holiday dinner, plan accordingly so that you can Bake Along with Stabby.  Also, I’ll post the recipe ahead of time so you know what to shop for.

After croissant will be Butternut Squash with Gorganzola and pecans for Christmas dinner.  Homoviper suggested this one.  If you have a recipe request, send it my way and we’ll get it done; the family will be more than happy to be our guinea pigs.

Music to work out at the gym to

1 comment

So maybe you have a new morning workout routine. Great! Except it’s hard as fuck to get motivated to exert energy first thing in the morning. That’s where your workout music comes in.

I make no bones about loving club music. I know most people consider it vapid and cheesy. And, well, it is. Most of it is made by the absolute worst sorts of trashy perverts.

None of that matters. All that matters is that it makes you want to (in the immortal words of Big Daddy Drew) run through a brick wall.

So on that tip, here’s some music for your next workout. For each track below, I’ll list the artist (or “artist”), title of the song and the superpower that each particular song will give you.


“Get Down” by Groove Armada
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Proclaim yourself King/Queen of All Bunnies.


“Superdelight” by Heikki L
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Punch a giraffe in the nose.


“Bodymotion” by Way Out West
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Slide across a frozen lake with rockets tied to your shoes.


“Return to Life” by Adam Rickfors
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Die and then come back to Earth as Patrick Swayze so that you can make pottery with that funny-nose girl.


“Unleash My Love” by John de Sohn and Nick Wall ft Christina Skaar
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use electric eels as weapons.


“Dancing On My Own” (Fred Falke Remix) by Robyn
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Burn people with your laser vision.


“Feel the Hard Rock” (Heiko and Maiko electro mix) by Hardrox
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use actual ROFLcopters to kill leprechauns.


“Alive” by Mondotek
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Drink 18 cans of 4LOKO without making a fool of yourself.


“Push Up” by Freestylers
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Do those pushups that only insane Marine drill sergeants can do, where you clap in between each pushup.


“My, My, My” by Armand Van Helden
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Throw sharks at the bad people.


“What I Want” by Bob Sinclar Ft. Fireball
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Win a staring contest against Clint Eastwood.

In defense of disco

7 comments

Before I say anything else, I just want to include this disclaimer: No matter how open-minded a person is and no matter how great the music is…. some people just will NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER be able to tolerate disco. I accept that. Those people are lost causes. For the rest of you, read on…

I know that when you hear the word “disco” you instantly think of the Village People and Abba and maybe Donna Summers and definitely polyester suits. There is an undeniably cheesy side to disco that never seems to die off. So fine, I’ll concede that some aspects of disco are absolutely awful. That said, most people don’t realize that disco also had a grittier, deeper side that didn’t get the radio airplay. Instead, it got played in legendary clubs like the Paradise Garage, where Larry Levan held court and more or less all modern dance music was first truly conceptualized.

So Levan and others like Francois Kevorkian were mixing these crazy, long-form funk records into a nonstop dance workout… and they were YEARS ahead of their time. They were doing things like mixing synthesizers with Afro-Caribbean rhythms 20 years before M.I.A. ever picked up a mic.

I once heard disco described as “blue collar party music,” which is just about perfect. So let’s give credit where credit is due and check out some choons….

“Give Me Love” by Cerrone.
Marc Cerrone is a French drummer and producer who had a serious knack for coming up with catchy songs that still had that hard beat. This song has been remixed about a billion times by house producers in the last few decades.

“I Don’t Want to be a Freak” by Dynasty
I am in love with these girls. They don’t want to be freaks… but they just can’t help themselves. Sad really.


“I Don’t Wanna Lose It” by Bambu
Ok, here is some intense club disco that was clearly made for people consuming massive amounts of cocaine. The tempo is just ridiculously fast… at least 10 or 15 bpm faster than almost any other tracks you’ll find. The cocaine… there’s no other explanation. It’s downright disorienting, but then the vocals come in and everything settles down nicely.


“We’re On Our Way Home” by Brainstorm

Not a lot of people realize this, but ANY song that starts with a slap bass intro is required to be a KICK ASS SONG. It’s a rule. Look it up. In a way, you truly hear the first 80s pop coming through, but then it goes back into full 1970s string orchestra mode. I love it.


“Jingo” by Candido
That evil organ sound at the beginning was sampled by DMX. This song came from Salsoul Records, a hugely influential New York label that was known for using a lot of latin percussion in their tracks. To this day people love scouring old record shops for Salsoul vinyl because it’s such versatile deejay music.


“Deputy of Love” by Don Armando’s 2nd Avenue Rumba Band
If you ever walked into a club and saw that tonight’s act was “Don Armando’s 2nd Avenue Rumba Band,” is there any way you’d be anything less than excited?

“Do It Again” by Easy Going
Here’s an example of what’s called Italo-disco… disco from Italy. We guineas just love our disco. Not even living on different continents can change that. It’s our bond that unites the guido diaspora. Also… nothing homoerotic about that cover art. Nothing. At. All.


“Hot to Trot” by Alfredo de la Fe
Disco was really the first music that mashed up genres in exciting new ways. This tune starts off with a HEAVY samba beat straight off the streets of Rio, then breaks into a jazz violin explosion and then levels out into a straightforward funk jam. The drumming is incredible.


“Time Warp” by the Coach House Rhythm Section
This was a b-side on Eddy Grant’s Electric Avenue record. Eddy Grant is the man. If you put this song on Beatport today, no one would bat an eye. It’s computer music made with synthesizers and drum machines yet it sounds so human.


“Flight to Jamaica” by The Crashers
I’ve never been able to find out ANYTHING about The Crashers other than that they made this song. I don’t know how the hell it’s never been used in a movie soundtrack. Maybe it has, but it’s still got to be one of the all time great long lost disco songs. Reggae and disco… two great tastes that taste great together.


“I Hear Music in the Streets” by Unlimited Touch
That crunchy funk beat. The great vocals. That thumping bass. The handclaps. The fantastic guitar playing. If you’re ever in a bad mood, treat yourself to this song. It’s pure joy in sonic form.

Music to ride around in an old Cadillac Eldorado to

3 comments

If you’re like me, there are just some days when you have to throw up your hands and shout, “THAT’S IT, AMERICA. I AM FUCKING DONE WITH YOU.” It’s a tempting emotion.

Here’s my solution: In times like this, I like to remember some of the mind-explodingly awesome shit that America produces. I defy anyone to ride around the streets of any American city in an old Cadillac while blasting these tunes and not feel pretty goddamn good about the U.S.A. Look, I love other countries. I love the French. They make delicious foods with goose livers, and they gave us Zinedine Zidane. But there’s just something special about the soul, funk and R&B music that came out of Memphis, Detroit, Philadelphia, St. Louis and other depressing/awesome places in the 60s and 70s.

Here are some vintage tunes from my secret stash. I tried to pick stuff that’s a bit more obscure, since by now everyone has heard the Isley Brothers and Earth, Wind and Fire. Take a listen.


And OLDY with that great Memphis beat. Every band ever should be forced at gunpoint to have a brass section. Also, the “horse” dance looks a lot like some of the Soul Train Line dances you saw in the 70s. Ahead of their time!


This song appeared in a slightly different version (without the handclaps, I think) on Herbie’s 1976 album “Secrets,” which is fucking amazing by the way. This song spends what feels like half an hour building upward in intensity before breaking into a disco-y, robotic space music with a talk box. Herbie is my hero.


“Don’t Take My Kindness for Weakness” by The Soul Children. The singing on this cut is just so great and full of soul. I love soul songs that come with that edge.


Fuck the cowbell. Hammond organ. Needs more Hammond B3 organ. Also, this song has one of those 70s bass lines that sounds like it wants to stab a baby dolphin in the eye.


“A Possibility Back Home” by Wanda Robinson. Another vicious cut with some nice jazz flute and great Afro-centric poetry spoken over top. You can tell Erykah Badu was down for this joint.


Albert King is really known for being a blues virtuoso but he made a great foray into funk. Also, the relationship between a blues musician and his instrument is fascinating so I love this stomping little love song for his guitar.


Baby Huey, a singer from St. Louis, died after releasing only one album but it was a really great album that is well-remembered by the old school cats. I don’t know what it is about this jam, but his voice just cuts through me like a knife.


The Dramatics were a huge name in the 60s and 70s but for some reason they haven’t stayed on the radar like some other bands have (Earth, Wind and Fire; Kool and the Gang, etc.). This song was used at the very beginning of “Wattstax,” the great concert film.


Some young hippity-hopper named Doctor Dre (or something) sampled this jam from Leon Haywood. When the tempo picks up at the 1:00 mark, and then mellows out again 30 seconds later, you know you’re in for a ride. If Beethoven lived in Memphis in 1972, this is probably the music he would make.

The new Crasstalk commenting system

43 comments

Crasstalkers,

I’m sure you noticed that we have a new commenting system. We’re now using IntenseDebate, which is a fairly popular blog commenting system that a lot of other sites are already using. (Wonkette is one of them.)

There are a few really nice things about this comment system:

– You can now reply to another commenter and have your comment appear directly underneath.

– It’s now much easier to see who made which comment.

– You can post images in the comments. To do that, all you have to do is use the [img src=”URL”] tag, (with the html brackets of course.)

Enjoy.

Gawkward: We Like Sportz Edition

4 comments

Gawkward is Crasstalk’s regular feature where we point out the most insane bullshit that gets posted to Gawker.

Today’s Gawkward is actually from Gawker’s fratty younger brother, Deadspin. Here’s the backstory:

1. On Monday Night Football, the Arizona Cardinals continued their season of general suckery by getting smoked by the fairly-sucky-themselves San Francisco 49ers.

2. During the fourth quarter of that game, long after the Cardinals’ general suckery had become obvious and the game was no longer in question, Cardinals QB Derek “Moose Balls” Anderson was briefly caught sitting on the bench cracking a smile after a teammate said something to him. No, he was not caught sucking a clown’s dick. He was not caught buying jenkem from a Malaysian tranny-boy. He was not caught murdering kittens with a blow torch. He was caught smiling.

3. After the game, some enterprising cockhole of a reporter blind-sided Moose Balls with a gotcha question about “the smile.” Moose Balls, understandably,  did not take it well when some Dockers-wearing asshole questioned his competitive drive. Moose Balls stomped out.

4. The aforementioned smile, combined with the press conference temper tantrum caused an ESPN-fueled Jetstream of Bullshit from the sports media.

5. Deadspin smartly asked the awesome former NFL tight end Nate Jackson to write an essay about the incident. He defended Moose Balls. Go read it. It’s really well written. It turns out all professional athletes are not actually completely worthless to society when not performing on the field.

6. One Deadspin commenter, shady37, was not impressed.

This article is fucking outrageous. The people who think its ok to laugh when you’re getting blown out in MNF, when a loss in this game ends the 2010 season are the same people who probably think its ok to not keep score in little league games so little johnny’s feelings don’t get hurt because his team lost. Magic Johnson is right, Anderson should get cut from Arizona. Like Magic said, Anderson is suppossed to be the team leader, hes the QB, and players will follow Anderson’s actions. I know I don;t want a team that can laugh on the sidelines when they are getting disgraced. When the Giants lost to the Colts, all the fucking Giants looked like they wanted to fucking die. That shows to me as a fan they are into the game and that they care. Not one person should stick up for this piece of trash. Lets not forget he lost his starting job this year because he sucked so bad. There’s no coincidence here, his shitty attitude does have a correlation to his shitty play.

Make sure you go and read all the replies because it goes on from there, and turns into a general pile-on with shady37 continuing to replay… which just makes it worse (better for the rest of us). Sometimes you dig a hole, and then just keep on digging deeper…

@blogsarefun: Get a fucking clue? I’ve played sports my entire life. I ain’t laughing if I’m getting smoke whether I’m playing football, baseball or handball. If you are totally vested in the game, the game feels like 10 minutes long, not 3 hours. When the game is about to end, a vested player feels like it just started.
I didn’t watch the giants sideline the entire time. But i know Giants leaders like Tuck, Osi, Eli were never laughing, not for one second. If a bench warmer, a backup kicker, someone who never gets in the game is laughing on the sidelines, I can understand that, because backups who don’t play can’t be nearly as invested in the game as a starter. Anderson is no backup, although he should be a 4th stringer or practice squad QB. He was the starting qb, the supposed leader of the team. It’s unacceptable for him to be laughing and sitting on the bench. And who the fuck is Nate. Never heard of him. I think I’ll listen to Magic Johnson, someone who knows what it takes to be a champion, to be one of the best all-times in his sport, and knows the kind of mental attitude it takes to be a champion and a winner. Oh yea, and I’ll listen to Gruden too. A blowhard, how about a Super Bowl Winning Coach.

T-giving Group Gawktard Gawkwards of the Day

1 comment

In response to a post about Wikileaks causing a rift between the US and its allies, MsAndreaDworkinIsInThaHouse brings us another comment full of insight and nuance http://gawker.com/comment/33078113/

Her comments are like the call of the great wild Gawktard: shrill, stupid and without thought and they always bring the lulz. If Andrea Dworkin could see what her name hath wrought I suspect she’d be sad at the spectacle of the stupid.