“A streak of fire, a breath of flame
Eluding all who reach and clutch;
A gray ghost thrown into the game
That rival hands may never touch;
A rubber bounding, blasting soul
Whose destination is the goal — Red Grange of Illinois!”
– Grantland Rice
People don’t write about football players like this any more. Luckily, there’s America’s only all old-timey sports writer NFL preview!
(Note: I didn’t actually research if this was the case, just go with it.)
Hey there sport? Summer blues got ya down, do they? Well, look what we have in store for you! 32 squads filled with the finest athletes this side of the Pacific are preparing for a weekly meeting of minds, might, and mischief, all for your entertainment! Modern day gladiators in the mold of Spartacus engaging hand to hand, head to head, shoulder to shoulder to win over the hearts and minds of the sport’s most dedicated fans! We’re going to look team by team so you, the viewer, can decide who to throw your hard-earned ducats behind!
NFC East
- Your correspondent thinks the Dallas passer is a good looking guy. No Romo!
Philadelphia Eagles
2010 Season: 10-6, NFC East champions, lost in wild card round
Andy Reid’s birds are primed to fly
With number seven in the gun, opponents’ fans cry;
He flicks the ball long left-handed with ease,
His fleet feet make defenders weak in the knees.
2011 Prediction: 13-3, NFC East champions
Dallas Cowboys
2010 Season: 6-10, 3rd in NFC East
Say young man, can you fetch me some creme?
What’s that you say, you’re the coach of the team?
If Garrett’s men can keep Mr. Romo upright,
An NFC playoff birth might just be in sight!
2011 Prediction: 11-5, 2nd in NFC East, wild card
New York Football Giants
2010 Season: 10-6, 2nd in NFC East
The men in blue have a formidable task
“Can you play cornerback?” even the waterboy they ask!
Peyton’s little brother is no stuffed shirt,
But even he can’t thrive with everyone hurt.
2011 Prediction: 8-8, 3rd in NFC East
Washington Redskins
2010 Season: 6-10, 4th in NFC East
The District’s pro football team mirrors its town
Unable to accomplish any task of renown.
In a city where nothing is as it may seem,
These ‘Skins are obviously the league’s worst team.
2011 Prediction: 2-14, 4th in NFC East
NFC North
- Passer Mr. Rodgers definitely looks at home in his neighborhood
Green Bay Packers
2010 Season: 10-6, 2nd in NFC North, wild card, Super Bowl champions
“Super Bowl champions” just sounds about right
For the team that Mr. Lombardi brought to light.
For the cheeseheads to repeat, they’ll need to play better,
But if Rodgers passes well, it could come up cheddar!
2011 Prediction: 12-4, NFC North champions
Detroit Lions
2010 Season: 6-10, 3rd in NFC North
The big cats’ roar is strongest inside
Where Suh and Nick Fairley make the offense go wide.
They stalk helpless prey with a grunt and a scowl,
These Motor City Kitties are back on the prowl.
2011 Prediction: 10-6, 2nd in NFC North, wild card
Chicago Bears
2010 Season: 11-5, NFC North champions, lost in NFC Championship game
It’s apparent that love is not Mr. Cutler’s thing,
I hope he kept the receipt for young Cavallari’s ring!
The offense has struggled, but the defense was stout
If Mr. Smith’s men falter, the coach’s luck may run out.
2011 Prediction: 7-9, 3rd in NFC North
Minnesota Vikings
2010 Season: 6-10, 4th in NFC North
The Norseman’s Mr. Peterson is a most feared back
But in previous seasons support he has lacked.
An ancient defense will surely need buckets of points
For fear of injuring already brittle joints.
2011 Prediction: Abstained. This is your fair bard’s favorite team.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons
- Saints passer Mr. Brees celebrates by tossing small children into the air
2010 Season: 13-3, NFC South champions, lost in divisional round
A longstanding tradition since Olympian games
Is never to trust a man with two first names.
Mr. Ryan passes and runs and then passes again
On the field, he does the work of two mortal men.
2011 Prediction: 13-3, NFC South champions
New Orleans Saints
2010 Season: 11-5, 2nd in NFC South, wild card, lost in wild card round
Most don’t remember when this poet was a lad,
When the New Orleans ‘Aints were always to be had.
Mssrs. Payton and Brees have brought light to the town,
And it’s the rest of the NFC that tends to go down.
2011 Prediction: 11-5, 2nd in NFC South, wild card
Tampa Bay Bucaneers
2010 Season: 10-6, 3rd in NFC South
The pirate passer stands like a mountain of a man,
Mr. Freeman reigns tall over the football land.
If his feet stay set and his aim remains true
The Bay of Tampa could turn to red from blue.
2011 Prediction: 9-7, 3rd in NFC South
Carolina Panthers
2010 Season: 2-14, 4th in NFC South
Last year these alley cats couldn’t scare a child,
To win their ground game will need to run wild.
Young Mr. Newton may need to acknowledge
The money’s better professionally, but more wins in college.
2011 Prediction: 4-12, 4th in NFC South
NFC West
St. Louis Rams
- Rams Runner Mr. Jackson hopes to continue his fine form
2010 Season: 7-9, 2nd in NFC West
Even the best team in the “Show Me” state
Has struggled for seven wins, let alone eight!
If his friend Mr. Jackson can keep running fast
Mr. Bradford’s campaign will prove better than his last.
2011 Prediction: 10-6, 1st in NFC West
Arizona Cardinals
2010 Season: 5-11, 4th in NFC West
The redbirds hope they’ve found their company man,
Mr. Kolb’s success in green made Arizona a fan.
The defending can be described as “porous” at best,
Their lone saving grace? It’s called the NFC West.
2011 Prediction: 8-8, 2nd in NFC West
Seattle Seahawks
2010 Season: 7-9, NFC West champions, lost in divisional round
Signing Jackson and Rice seems a bit rash,
Did Seattle just go through the Norsemens’ trash?
Mr. Carroll isn’t accustomed to acting so steely
At Southern California, the cash flowed much more freely.
2011 Prediction: 6-10, 3rd in NFC West
San Francisco 49ers
2010 Season: 6-10, 3rd in NFC West
Mr. Harbaugh comes in to a disorganized squad,
He will surely want to run but his team will plod.
Taking the job shows that he’s noble and gallant,
His chivalry means little without football talent.
2011 Prediction: 5-11, 4th in NFC West
AFC East
New England Patriots
- Passer Thomas Brady preparing for battle.
2010 Season: 14-2, AFC East champions, lost in divisional round
Banner years seem routine for Mr. Brady’s fair side,
Yet each January his men seem to lose their stride.
The supporters will still come to watch and cheer,
But it’s high time for a trophy at the end of this year.
2011 Prediciton: 13-3, AFC East champions
New York Jets
2010 Season: 11-5, 2nd in AFC East, lost in AFC championship
The Jets coach Mr. Ryan is a man of great mass.
In his mouth flows many things and from it straight sass.
His defense, a stalwart, rock hard like concrete
Although, probably not as enthralled with his fair maiden’s feet.
2011 Prediction: 12-4, 2nd in AFC East, wild card
Miami Dolphins
2010 Season: 7-9, 3rd in AFC East
These aquatic mammalians lack the smarts of their name
No talent at passer, nor in the running game.
Their boss is intense, Mr. Sporano’s not chipper
Maybe call for some backup from their buddy Flipper?
2011 Prediction: 6-10, 3rd in AFC East
Buffalo Bills
2010 Season: 4-12, 4th in AFC East
No supporters on Earth are more tortured than this
Their fans are full-throated but the team is amiss.
The Bison better win before the weather gets mucky,
At least next April, they’ll get (Andrew) Luck-y.
2011 Prediction: 3-13, 4th in AFC East
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens
2010 Season: 12-4, 2nd in AFC North, wild card, lost in divisional round
The blackbirds of night silently stalk their prey,
All excepting Mr. Lewis who continues to bray.
The offense is explosive, the defense is stout
Could a championship tree be ready to sprout?
2011 Prediction: 13-3, AFC North champions
- Mr. Roethlisberger self-tickling after victory on the field
Pittsburgh Steelers
2010 Season: 12-4, AFC North champions, lost in Super Bowl
They resemble a law firm only Buffett could afford:
Roethlisberger, Mendenhall, Wallace, and Ward.
Yet even with talent points rarely come with ease,
Their vaunted steel defense will need to clamp down and squeeze.
2011 Prediction: 12-4, 2nd in AFC North, wild card
Cleveland Browns
2010 Season: 5-11, 3rd in AFC North
Brownies are delicious, of this no one has doubts
Yet Cleveland’s men play more similar to girl scouts.
Mr. Shurmur’s squad is guaranteed a sole week of fun,
For the schedule reads “Bengals” across from “Week 1”.
2011 Prediction: 4-12, 3rd in AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals
2010 Season: 4-12, 4th in AFC North
In Southwest Ohio sits a peculiar city.
With a mischievous team that’s named after a kitty.
They’re an excellent team and can defend any guard,
Because they’re mostly in jail, the RL Longest Yard.
2011 Prediction: 3-13, 4th in AFC North
AFC South
- The Texans’ successful offseason strategy
Houston Texans
2010 Season: 6-10, 3rd in AFC South
It may be the injury report that gets them here,
But these Texans can play and this is their year.
No matter that a neck of a very famous Colt
Might spur Schaub’s men on to a division revolt.
2011 Prediction: 10-6, AFC South champions
Indianapolis Colts
2010 Season: 10-6, AFC South champions, lost in divisional round
The last time the Ponies felt quarterback despair,
A white-haired President was caught up in affair.
Mr. Manning’s sore neck is more famous than ever,
Can geriatric Mr. Collins make any throw whatsoever?
2011 Prediction: 8-8, 2nd in AFC South
Tennessee Titans
2010 Season: 6-10, 4th in AFC South
In sixteen sweet years of Mr. Fisher’s acclaims,
The Titans won exactly five postseason games.
A new direction was needed for the team to succeed,
It will hardly be this year, and all are agreed.
2011 Prediction: 6-10, 3rd in AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars
2010 Season: 8-8, 2nd in AFC South
If you’re looking for quiet, a good place to chat,
A Jaguars game is tops for chewing the fat!
But a half-empty stadium causes hearts to roam,
Might one day these cats call Los Angeles home?
2011 Prediction: 5-1, 4th in AFC South
- Electric warrior Marmalardus dropping to throw
AFC West
San Diego Chargers
2010 Season: 9-7, 2nd in AFC West
The Bolts are live wires with passer Rivers the boss,
But why do so many games end up with a loss?
Statistics are impressive but tell a partial story
Wins are the only matter when chasing full glory.
2011 Prediction: 11-5, AFC West champion
Kansas City Chiefs
2010 Season: 10-6, AFC West champions, lost in divisional round
In terms of coaching, Mr. Haley’s home is his Cassel
And facing the Chiefs’ offense can be quite a hassle.
Though opposing head coaches can always sleep tight
If the Chiefs’ offense is day, their defense is night.
2011 Prediction: 10-6, 2nd in AFC West, wild card
Oakland Raiders
2010 Season: 8-8, 3rd in AFC West
Mr. McFadden sure seems like a real sporting chap,
His speed is of legend, and will cause necks to snap.
Betting on the Raiders though is always a gamble,
Especially with depth chart QB #1: Mr. Campbell.
2011 Prediction: 7-9, 3rd in AFC West
Denver Broncos
2010 Season: 4-12, 4th in AFC West
Old McDaniel had a passer and Tebow was his handle,
Yet his lack of playing time has become quite a scandal.
Now that Mr. Fox has taken over the helm,
Will it be very long before Gator Jesus leaves the realm?
2011 Prediction: 5-11, 4th in AFC West
Playoff Predictions
NFC Championship
In the conference title game between the Eagles and Pack
Mr. Vick will run full-on into the cheddar attack.
The new Philly millionaires put “cheese” under their beds,
But the winners will be the ones who put cheese on their heads.
- The prize for months of sweat and toil
AFC Championship
Foxboro will be the scene when the Chargers come calling,
Two playboy passers dueling while their teammates are brawling.
In the wet winter snow the Bolts will short out,
And in the warm locker room the Patriots will shout.
Super Bowl
On a distant February Sunday at Lucas Oil Field,
The Packers will face the Patriots and neither will yield.
They played fifteen years prior in football’s ultimate game,
History tends to repeat, and the Packers will do the same.
photos: photo, romo, rodgers, brees, jackson, brady, roethlisberger, voodoo, rivers, trophy
