Deadpool sets the best/worst example; Michael Bay will be laughing at us as Transformers becomes a Groundhog Day nightmare; movie theaters are an abstract concept; M. Night Shyamalan still gets work in this town; Vin Diesel probably has a “Fast and Furious” room in his house; and we never saw MacGyver use duct tape, did you?
Now that Deadpool has effectively called all other superhero films lame ducks, and amid plans for a sequel, other movies in the same genre are thinking they should ride this obscenity-ladden, smartass, non-hero movie, hero movie wave, and fall in line with their own R-rated offerings. Haha! Well, that’s a bad idea. Namely, because there are a lot of superhero movies that just won’t lend themselves to zany, brutal kickassness. Wolverine III: Hand Claws Are For Eating Shrimp is one such movie that now deems it necessary to roll out the R-rating to everyone’s acute loathing. Literally no one wants to see a cursing, boning, roaring, raging, slicing, dicing, bleeding, Wolverine. It’s just not that serious. Okay, fine. It’s just not that important. We’re all exhausted by Jackman’s one face as Wolverine. Since Tom Hardy is the Australian we’d like to see beat up Mel Gibson by far for any reason, he’s the one we’d vote for. Throwing Jackman into an R-rated romp is just kind of boring. Give us Hardy’s mumbling and drunkard swaggering. Not as Bane, though. Never again as Bane. And Dear Lord, all this R-ratings talk has woken up creature creator Todd McFarlane who went down to his basement lair to check on Spawn and ask him if he’d like to make a movie with “swears” and he said, “Sure, let’s fucking do it.” So now, perhaps, there will be a new Spawn movie with a “Hard R-rating” according to McFarlane. Great. What we all really want is a Spawn movie with an erection. [Coming Soon.net]
At this point we should just let Transformers 5 stand in for a Donald Trump campaign ad. There are literally no two things on this green Earth that could match in better, clearer terms. Both indicate the downgrading of this country to an extent that it’s nearly incomprehensible. Add in Michael Bay’s GOP Hostess Cupcake of a death-delish political breakfast treat that is his Benghazi movie, and well, he basically proposed marriage to Donald Trump’s fan base. That said, because obviously we need more live action dog vomit smeared across celluloid, Michael Bay, our aforementioned most-practical Donald Trump casting agent, has agreed to helm Transformers 5, because to stop now would be like accepting defeat in the form of not giving the public a searing migraine for at least two hours from which they want to throw themselves into a laundry chute that goes to Hell. Obnoxiously, Bay has indicated that this will be his last and final Transformers film. This means (1) he expects us all to mourn the fact that he’s stepping away from a franchise he sent hurtling into a space moon from within a boiling volcano in an indestructible shit-rocket and (2) there could be more of these things directed by other people who are not Michael Bay, but who would also like to take the notion of cinema and throw it into a rage-sea of humanity’s tears. Fun! [Collider]
Rumor has it that Daredevil Season 2 will air on Netflix on the same day Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice hits movie screens. This will probably most affect that segment of society who decided long ago in 2015 that putting on pants was an unnecessary act of treason against the freedom of underwear-couch riding. The fact that one needs to put on pants in order to go outside and see things, or talk to other people, and perhaps to every once in awhile see where food is stored, is part of some sort of uniformed fascism. Why do they not make the entire world accessible from the deep divot that exists in the sofa of everyone’s living room? Honestly, you should be able to use your own ass as an energy conduit or at least stream wifi through it so you can make Amazon deliver items to your front door at the push of a fart. Are people really expected in 2016 to get up and actually make their eyeballs watch entertainment in a place with stadium seating and Slushies? Well, obviously, not. Obviously not. [Collider]
Remember when people thought M. Night Shyamalan might be the next Stephen King? Or when people said, “Oh, you know, it’s not a big deal that he lied for that entire The Village movie, but oh, ho, does that guy have a career ahead of him!” Yes, all of those people also saw Star Wars opening night and then discussed the movie while in line to see it again the second night. In short: those people are awful. But M. Night Shyamalan has apparently found his way back into the entertainment industry after throwing Will Smith and his son off a cliff into the belly-flop fires of a community pool in Pasadena, and after sending Mark Wahlberg into a tornado of outrageous suck that happened while The Happening was happening. Now, TNT thinks he’s a good pick to reboot HBO’s old scary story railcar and puppet showplace, Tales from the Crypt, since seemingly, we don’t scream at our televisions nearly enough about storytelling hacks. [Variety]
Have they thrown a car off the top of the Empire State Building and into a Dragon’s throat yet? This is the burning question we should all be asking the makers of the Fast and the Furious franchise that’s set to release its next installment, Furious 8: Full Pension. We fully predict the tagline will be, “One man, One Scooter, and 10,000 Pairs of Pants at the Sears — Anything Can Happen” Seemingly, we’ll just have to settle for whatever ideas that still exist in this world of car racing or car jacking, or whatever it is that these movies consist of that glorify careening through various cities while Vin Diesel growls like a Revenant Bear on a Muscle Milk protein bender at anyone who dares share the screen with him. And, oh, yeah, now it looks like they’ll be taking this show on the road to film in Cuba because that’s where we should put our time and effort in international relations. Yep, in sending our best Hollywood ambassadors to Cuba to celebrate thievery and avoiding federal capture. Yep, that’s the way to do it. Next let’s let Adam Sandler go on down to Cuba to play the U.S. President in a movie farce called “My Nukes are Really A Meatball Sandwich!” Scarily, via Instagram, the only place where you can scream things at the internet with the fervor of a Sarah Palin rally, Vin Diesel has announced in a message that appears downright apocalyptic that there will be “2 decades 10 films 1 saga,” of these things. Good Grief. Diesel has posted release dates for Fast 8 (4/14/17), the 9th movie (4/19/19), and the 10th movie (4/2/21) and the 31st movie will be shown in an alternate universe on Mars in a bunker hidden behind a red ocean. Tickets will cost blood. [THR]
Remember way back in the 80’s when mullets ran rampant on television and there was a guy who could make a bomb out of a paperclip and a shoelace? Well, in 2016 that guy is exceedingly important since a whole swath of potential U.S. leadership would like to keep citizens locked in their homes while under Marshal Law as we swear allegiance to either a robot who we fear likes shorty robes and Clams Casino on his dates with Ronald Reagan posters; a hair sorcerer who was able to yell a “low energy” Bush relative into his comfortable Rockports and Tuesday morning pancake breakfasts back in Florida; or a Canadian charlatan who probably eats poutine with Twinkies or some such nonsense. So, yes, America you better know how to build a rocketship out of lint and a buffalo nickel. To teach us, CBS will be rebooting MacGyver, because apparently we haven’t already drowned in their overstuffed NCIS, CSI, ISIS programming and what we really need is another one of these things that’s very similar to one of these other things. And if that weren’t enough hair gel on your popped collar, there will also be a feature film of the same name, because Channing Tatum just can’t gyrate quietly in a corner with no one watching, right? (We have no idea if Tatum will end up being in this thing, but you could probably see it happening, yes?) [Deadline.]
Good Jesus. There’s going to be an “Archie” Comics television show on the CW. It will also co-star Luke Perry as Archie’s dad. This sounds like an idea created at a high school reunion after everyone got drunk on Zimas and Jello shots while rapping to Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing.” Luke Perry was there too! [Vulture]
Good Jesus’ Jesus. There’s going to be a Cruel Intentions television show on crap-in-a-barrel house of awful, NBC…and it will co-star Sarah Michelle Gellar. Neither Reese Witherspoon nor Ryan Phillippe will return, but yeah, whatever. If it becomes an Empire-esque hit (Haha. NBC.) they’ll be back. There will also be a DC Comics Comedy Pilot on NBC. (So late, sigh.) But wait! It will actually be about normal people living in a superhero world, so maybe think The Office with General Zod as Michael Scott maybe? [Vulture1. Vulture2]
In “Yum News”, Michael B. Jordan will star in a Thomas Crown Affair reboot. This is simply titillating. The fact that some think Margot Robbie (The Wolf of Wall Street, Focus) would make a good Rene Russo makes our inner Mariah Carey do a diva-scream that says, “No, darling. Not for him. We will find someone else for he.” [Vulture]
Ryan Coogler, the wonderful director who helmned both Creed and Fruitvale Station will be creating a drama about youngsters in the juvenile justice system. Work on, Coogler. [Deadline]
Netflix, that little minx of a magic streaming service, is rebooting Norman Lear’s iconic One Day at a Time sitcom. Well, okay. It seems the only thing that will remain the same is the building manager who will still be named Schneider. Millenials are probably so confused. [Vulture]
Well, some of you may care that “Robot Punch Monster (Cletar’d) Part 2 might be happening. Meh. [Vulture]
Castings in Short
- Candace Bergen, Murphy Brown 4eva, yo, will be in an ABC pilot called Pearl [Variety]
- Damon Wayans, Sr. will play Roger Murtaugh in Fox’s Lethal Weapon series. We are all too old for this shit. [Variety]
- Kurt Russell will return in The Thing: 2 (Haha! Just kidding. He’ll be in the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel.) [Deadline]
Deadpool vs. Wolverine by Ed Quinn.
