The Hollywood Caller: You Asked For It, You Got It

Sarah Palin is the Glenn Close of a new generation, she will not be ignored; comic book movies to woo everyone, just everyone; Blake Lively to throw her goop at you now; does “Kiefer” mean douche; magical, delightful, Idris to cast a spell; pirates to scream their way to hell and then back again; bunches of people get acting jobs; and your mom’s favorite book-turned-movie now starring people you’ve barely ever seen before.

Just like the online hub of human misery that is/was Herman CainTV, next in the talking mint julep of stupid is the animated mouth mashing and throat roaring of one, Sarah Double Doughnuts Palin, and her new venture, something that is sure to be named, “Sarah Palin Talks Words At’cha TV” And because of this we want to rage. Rage against all things made of stupid and peddled to the equally stupid for the stupid consumption of ill-advised stupidity. We can’t even imagine what kind of programming a Sarah Palin online television channel would enlist. “The Art of Creating Bacon Guns in Your Backyard Smokehouse” or perhaps “Wheel of Wombs” wherein the conservative pundit of the hour gets a timeslot to discuss the inhabitants or lack thereof of various lady-wombs with the result of winning cash prizes and a Senate seat. And of course, the goddess of wing-nuts, la Palin herself will hold court in a talkshow of her own creation where she’ll contemplate the use of nouns and the existence of the night sky versus “That big blue one we see every day above our heads where Jesus lives and candy Skittles make rainbows.” We’d weep for humanity if it obviously isn’t some weird stalled evolutionary amoeba of trapped farts that somehow keeps this person prescient with her hand held out waiting for the next ton of dollars to be dumped there like so much lard for a greasy pork sandwich which people consume for its edifying brain immobilizing nutrients. Long live Sarah Palin and the notion of free enterprise in this country. Even a talking rutabaga can get an online television show if it’s talented enough to convince a presidential candidate to take it on the campaign trail in an attempt to fool the the world into thinking that it’s not really a rutabaga, but a conservative princess wrapped in a foil of regurgitated insanity straight from your nightmares, but sassy! [THR]

Is there Marvel news? Of course there’s Marvel news. Where do you people live where there’s no Marvel news? Saturn? This news however disappoints us greatly. Why, you ask? Well, because instead of hearing that some chisel-chested, hunk hammer of a person, or someone like Zac Efron, has signed on to be a superhero, now it seems possible Joaquin Phoenix, he of computer sex and a bearded fake-rap career, is said to be in talks to become Doctor Strange. Well, okay. We kind of thought Phoenix was well on his way back to Oscar road and was really interested in smallish prestige thinky films, and not big, bombastic Marvel spectacles, but hey, we could be wrong. Perhaps Doctor Strange, when he’s not doing his magic and science-y stuff, likes to engage in complicated love affairs, or has a knack for finding himself in psychological thrillers that test both man and mankind. Or maybe he really just likes to use his big, magic amulet to utter magic spells and voila! he’s roasted a whole chicken in three minutes flat. And we’ll be like, sure, why not? [Vulture]

At some point last week, the girl from that show about headbands, Blake Lively, also known as “fourth girl of traveling pants,” and near nobody person of unique relevance, launched some sort of lifestyle website. You know, that kind of website rich blonde women from Hollywood launch to tell you, poor peasant person, who lives on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and Walmart slushies, how to live, decorate, eat, and dress yourself, because without their help, you’d walk around all day in tattered rags wearing Chef Boyardee pasta for a hat. Now though, with Preserve, you can find decadent ways to work Lemon Flake Salt and Vegan Hot Fudge for $10.00 a pop into your daily life. No, seriously, it’s the kind of spoiled, frivolous thing full of overpriced flotsam that someone who’s bored and likes the concept of putting all their swag on the web, but not the presentation or the mundanity of Pinterest, would do. It’s like walking through the inane pantry of a person with too much time on their hands who enjoys the soft swish of their automatic closing drawers and cabinets, and when they do, looks at you expectantly for praise as if they invented such a thing. “Oh, yes, Blake, you were so diligent in finding fabulous rose gold organic hoop earrings for $88.00 that look like I made them in Shop Class in 1988 from melted beer caps. Kudos, darling girl. You’ve always been so clever, and what an eye you have for expensive bullshit. Anyway, let me know when you get in some authentic turquoise moon bracelets made out of sea foam and lighthouse paint chips.” Yes, this is what Preserve is. [The Cut]

Today’s “Balls of Steel” nominee goes to Freddie Prinze Jr. “When was the last time I saw Freddie Prinze Jr.?” you ask. No matter. All you need to know is that FPJ just said a most honest thing about fellow ’24’ alum Kiefer Sutherland. Apparently, Kiefer is a big, huge, douche and Prinze Jr. wants the entire world to know, and he doesn’t give a shit if at five foot four, Sutherland gets mad about it. In a bunch of quotes that are just too juicy for words, Prinze describes the situation working with Kiefer as “so awful it made him want to quit acting” and “Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world.” It was “terrible” he says. Well, Good Lord. What in the world did he do? Was this some sort of one-time thing wherein Kiefer was just a little too Kiefer for his britches? (We have no idea what that means, but you know, when your name is Kiefer, we can imagine there’s a certain Kieferness that’s just too much to take.) THR reports, “I did 24, and it was terrible. I hated every moment of it,” Prinze said. “Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash. I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that…I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE for Christ’s sake, and it was a crazier job than working with Kiefer,” Prinze told ABC News. “But at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m six feet and he’s five four.” Wu-Pah! What!? So Kiefer’s a short, little asshole, then? Good to know. You know, we always thought something about his characters in Stand By Me, The Lost Boys, and A Few Good Men, rang true somehow. [THR]

Marvelous Face God, Idris Elba, will once again make some sort of race-related movie history, we guess. We’re not sure why anyone is still talking about this whole race thing with regard to who should play what role in movies. The fan boys need to calm down forever with all that business. Elba is now in talks to play a “Merlin-esque figure who trains Arthur” in an upcoming Guy Ritchie adaptation of the King Arthur story. Haha! If you really wanted to push the race envelope, guys, how about Elba as Arthur, eh? Somewhere Sarah Palin and Todd Akin just shrieked and woke up from a terrible nightmare that featured people of all races doing whatever the hell they want with no race-driven backlash. Oh, what a world, what a world. Anyway, this is great news for Elba who we love to see in just about anything. Well, except movies co-starring Beyoncé. That’s something we never want to see again. This though, is the type of thing that makes sense for Elba. It’s the kind of old-fashioned British-y tale that you do that’s probably just one step away from getting a call from Kenneth Branagh to star in a Shakespearian revival. [Variety]

What in the hell? Walt Disney Pictures, the den of wanton money worship, will release in July of 2017 the fifth, FIFTH! Pirates of the Caribbean movie called Pirates of the Caribbean: It’s Probably Just a Little Angina or Pirates of the Caribbean: Let’s Get Fitted for Circulation Socks, Everyone! No, really. We have no idea why they’re trotting another one of these things out; in 2017 no less. Especially now that its core group of fans from the original movie made in 2003 will be about twenty-two years old by then and are probably more concerned with jello shots and sorority girls than whatever swashbuckling, fifty-nine year old Johnny Depp Pirate Jazz Flutist, is doing…or they really should be. The only person who should be less excited by this news than everyone, everywhere, is Johnny Depp who apparently took some sort of blood oath that won’t free him from making these goddamned movies as he staggers and stumbles around for the amusement of Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head. [Coming Soon]


America’s Sweetheart and loveable astronaut set adrift by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, will star in a Tupperware biopic about the woman who launched Tupperware parties back when people saved leftovers and didn’t just throw whole cartons of Chinese food into the fridge to be found several months later wearing a toupee of mold. [Deadline]

Famous unmarried couple with a brood of nine thousand children, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, are set to make another film together years and years after their first film caused the media to point fingers and call them dirty, dirty home wreckers. The duo will star in an “intimate character driven drama” called By the Sea as a married couple. Oh, yawn. Sorry! But doesn’t it sound like one of those meandering relationship studies where someone says while trembling and in agony, “I’m just not happy, Ed.” “Well, maybe you should get out into the world, Margaret.” You know, something all dismal and miserable like that? So. [THR]

Hoo boy. Steve Carell will star in an ill-advised knee-slapper called Brooklyn Family Robinson whose name makes us want to die. Apparently, Carell will play a family man living in Brooklyn who decides to relocate his family to a tropical island where they’ll encounter large dinosaurs and a gaggle of Sleestaks in this uproarious adventure about family and living life the rustic way in a movie we’ve seen seventy-million times since we were all kids and just stop it, enough already! Sheesh. [THR]


So there was some big trailer release this week, eh? The studio that took the book everyone’s mother was reading last year about sexy times and S&M (blush, blush, giggle, giggle, pearl clutch) and people with expertly coiffed hair and barely contained quivering sex loins, Fifty Shades of Grey, and released a movie trailer for its much anticipated film adaptation. We’ll just say that this trailer, starring two virtual non-persons in Hollywood, looks like a mish-mash of Lifetime movie dregs coupled with the remnants of Twilight cutting room floor outtakes, mixed with a little 1990’s Red Shoe Diaries, all of which makes the film feel less heavy and intense, and more schmaltzy and awkward. The two leads seem to elicit next to nil in chemistry and even the watered down version of Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love, meant to sound sexy and foreboding here, just makes the film seem laborious and like a slowed down version of something that should be filled with high octane emotional disturbance. This almost seems like a Nancy Drew mystery. “The Time Nancy Drew Met a Rich Man.” Well, okay, whatever, guys. We foresee a bit of disappointment among the twin-set viewership population.

Image: Gage Skidmore

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