Community Communes with Yahoo; Michael Bay’s movies make tons of money which is why he won’t be stopped ever; Shia LaBeouf terrorizes the city of New York, he’s Godzilla; Whoopi is the cheese that stands alone; Robot Punch Monster™ until the end of time; Star Trek finally finds a destination; “Get to the Choppah”…again, sigh; and Brett Ratner is Eddie Murphy’s own personal Michael Bay inspired harbinger of doom.
Just what the hell! Community, the show NBC stuffed inside its hideous torture chamber while it greenlit shows we like to call “Super Turd Specials”, will now make a momentous move to Yahoo. Erm, we guess eventually Yahoo will call their burgeoning television department something else like, YahooTV or “By God Don’t Read the Comments” or something catchy like that. In some sort of epic deal crafted in the devil-den of showrunner Dan Harmon and whatever fallen deity runs Yahoo, “Community will be returning for its predestined sixth season.” So we also guess that means it’ll only be available online. That’s fine, we guess. Binge-watching rules the universe! Apparently Yahoo saw the opportunity to gobble up ready-made viewers, and Sony Pictures Television saw an opportunity to take Yahoo’s money — so everybody wins! Well, now fans will have to go to Yahoo to watch the thing, and so for that, um, yuck? or Yay! Depends on how much you like this show and what you’re willing to do to see it (make out with the nosferatu weirdos who roam the back alleys of Yahoo’s readership). Choices. [Vulture]
Lord Deliver us from Michael Bay. Yes, the Michael Bay that we personally can’t stand. So how did the latest blundering, eye-soddering, brain-seizing work of movie-ruining Rhesus monkey, Michael Bay do this weekend? It made an estimated $100 million Stateside and over $300 million overseas. Figures that large are pretty amazing considering critics pretty much said unanimously that Transformers: Age of Extinction or “Crash, Bang, Dino Robot Sledge Hammer to the Face” is one of the worst and most physically pain-inducing films in recent memory. It goes on for 165 goddamned minutes! And if we know Michael Bay, it’s 165 minutes of CGI twisted metal careening across the screen in an indecipherable jumble; spinning, torking, and jack-hammering its way through the mess of a film while trying to bore itself directly into your brain stem. Yup. As Vulture reports, “America’s critics felt like they had practically fought the battle themselves, complaining of exhaustion, migraines, earaches, numbness, and generally expressing the need for a long lay-down. As the Boston Globe‘s Peter Keough put it, Transformers 4 is the “cinematic equivalent of being tied in a bag and being beaten by pipes.” Yoikes. Hmm, we don’t think movies should do that. No, we don’t think movies should feel like a mob hit on a Jersey Turnpike underpass. Especially not a film about toys from the 1980’s. Toys that in order to add sound you had to purse your lips and go, “Shwoo, woo, bosh, bop, barrannggg.” Apparently loads of teen boys who couldn’t wait to have their synapses pinging with adrenaline as they took in the bionic wasteland littered with the ripped out eardrums of everyone over thirty who once had a pulse when they entered the theater all appeared over the weekend to watch this filth. This only gives Bay more power. The rest of us are doomed. [Vulture]
Shia LaBeouf, a gnarled bearded gnome of anger, has been having a week! Firstly, we have no idea what LaBeouf has been doing with himself, movie wise, over the last few years. Mostly, we just hear random snippets of things like “Shia LaBeouf NAKED in a music video” or “Shia LaBeouf TOSSED from Broadway play after yelling at Alec Baldwin” or “Shia LaBeouf loses BAR FIGHT in Somewhere, USA.” It’s really like he’s some sort of large, gloomy fist just waiting to punch people in the temple. Is it drugs? Is it alcohol? Is it mental illness? It’s really hard to say. Much of it seems like, “Stupid Things This Guy Keeps Doing Because If His Name Were John Johnson He’d Be a Tax Accountant.” Anyway, over the last few days LaBeouf 1) Chased a man through Times Square after he allegedly stole LaBeouf’s McDonald’s french fries, OR his old man fishing cap 2)Got drunk and started smoking during a performance of Cabaret on Broadway for which he was arrested for being, basically, a goofy drunk guy, who weebled and wobbled around during the performance, and once fell out of his chair. Is this the height of criminal activity? No. Is it like he’s Groucho Marx chasing hats and falling out of chairs? Yes. Update: Vulture reports that LaBeouf apparently checked into rehab…for one day. [Vulture, Page Six]
In casting shake-up news, Estrogen Gogi Berry of talk shows, The View, has decided the only person worth paying is EGOT winning entertainer, Whoopi Goldberg. Everyone else isn’t worth the pennies and pickles they brought with them to the show after all. Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy will be exiting The View — or in real life terms — have been fired. Welp, okay, then. Shepherd at least was somewhat of a veteran on the show. So, that’s kind of sad. Jenny McCarthy, though, was some sort of weird hangnail that showed up after other more provocative people had already left, but who tried to trade in her one-time status as a “hot girl” turned “concerned mom shilling for erroneous and controversial medical information, 90’s nostalgia chicken nuggets for new millennium “serious journalist” foie gras. Didn’t work. No one curr. Whoopi stands alone. Well, until they hire Rosie O’Donnell back and maybe Laila Ali (Why?) so this show can shuffle along through the TSA pat down line of life as we watch with growing horror. [TMZ]
Urgh, boy. Whatever. Pacific Rim 2: Robot Donkeys For Everyone! will be playing at your nearest multiplex sometime in April, 2017. That’s just in case you haven’t been turned off forever by big, bombastic robot movies of failed origin before this sequel unhinges itself on the public in a few years. Don’t anyone ask stupid questions like, “Do we really need another one of these things?” Because the answer will always be “No.” However, they’re being made because we lost a bet with a higher deity wherein we will have to suffer through robot movie after robot movie until our dead, unblinking eyeballs can no longer focus and our bodies are just floppy, gelatinous mounds of people-flesh lost in a Dystopian future where Shia LaBeouf is king. The End. [Vulture]
Roberto Orci, the director of the impending Star Trek 3: Didn’t We All Laugh At White Khan?! says the next ride on Space Mountain for the crew of the Enterprise will finally be somewhere out in the Final Frontier. So basically, “We’re done doing all kinds of things to make fans everywhere hate this series.” Orci says, “Star Trek 3, will show the Enterprise crew “closer […] to the original series characters than you have ever seen. They have set off on their five-year mission, so their adventure is going to be in deep space.” And when they get to deep space Jean-Luc Picard will hand them a Tribble made of edible cannabis and then everyone will get high and take the Enterprise to Romulus and Remus for shits and giggles! Haha! No, no, we kid. We kid. We’re totally sure the next installment set for a 2016 release will be everything fans hope for. What exactly are you hoping for, fans? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, some people [Orci] may need to know before 2016.[THR]
Oh, God. There’s going to be a Predator reboot. Sigh. Let’s just go on record right now and say that this is ridiculous. Not only have they seriously thrown this entire franchise into a flaming dumpster by having several random, horkible movies where they just jammed this thing into the Aliens universe to horrible results, why for the love of God do we need to redo the original movie? Oh, to probably then create another entirely new franchise where they attempt to do-over the last sixty failed attempts at franchising this thing in the last decade. Fox studios are hoping fans of the original (and not the bloated carcass of a continuation of this series) will get behind Shane Black, screenwriter of Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Iron Man 3, who will be on board to write the treatment for the project before he “hands over scripting duties to Fred Dekker, his university chum with whom he wrote 1987’s Monster Squad,” reports THR. Nope, we don’t care. This is still a stupid idea. We’ll also note that Dekker directed Robocop 3, so honestly given Hollywood’s love of 1) reboots 2) robots 3) the 1980’s we can almost guarantee at some point there will be a Predator vs. Robocop movie made which will see Robocop blasting off into outer space to fight dreadlocked, face-squid monster-men as a large meteor heads for Earth. We’d like our writing credits for this thing now, thank you. [THR]
Brett Ratner, forever cheese-fart director of everything seen here, has confirmed that there will be a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie set in Detroit and Michigan. When we think of what Brett Ratner will do to this movie, we think of all the worst things Eddie Murphy’s been attached to for the last twenty years. We think of fat suits and cartoonish voices, over-acting, and stupid jokes that would only be funny in a world before the Internet. This could have been a not terrible idea if a better director were to helm it. Goodness knows Eddie could use a hit movie where he could recapture some of his former comedic genius. And we get the impression he’d be more willing to do so in a familiar environment, which this would be. However, we can see it being an overblown, bubbling over with cheese and obnoxious one-liners, veritable stew of crazy action mania and borderline offensive commentary that will probably ignore some very real, and interesting things about the current economies of Michigan that would’ve been engaging to watch. Instead of a thought-provoking action comedy, we think Ratner will put together a slop-happy, gross film of the most base visuals in a well-worn treatment that will do nothing to elevate the genre, or Murphy’s talents. [ComingSoon.net]
Image: Flickr
