Friends. Oh, friends. They’re like family. But better! You’d think you wouldn’t have as many awkward moments, or downright horrific experiences of jaw-dropping insanity when dealing with people you’re not genetically related to. After all, you chose these people to navigate your life with. Yet, sometimes it’s your friends who need the most counsel — and you find yourself in the role of “real talk” impresario when things start getting out of hand. But we’d argue that being a good friend is being able to tell someone when their life has become the living embodiment of having one’s dress tucked into the back of their pantyhose, or licking the inside of a bathroom stall at Ruby Tuesdays. So, it’s a good thing you’re here to set them straight and let them know when they’re being “that“ friend.
Here are a few examples.
The Messy Friend
Your life’s a mess. Yes, sure, many of our lives can use a little cleaning up. We’ve dated the wrong girl or guy, or worse married them. We’ve bought a terrible car, moped, sail boat, condo, pair of culottes, or we’ve hated our job and gotten fired, hated our siblings and ergo…loathe holidays. We’ve been short on cash, long on excuses, and needed a shoulder to cry on and a Futon to sleep on in the wee hours of the morning. Many of us have experienced one or more of these things a time or two. However, you my dear, have done and/or experienced them all, possibly in rapid succession, despite the advice of your friends who have sagely and wisely advised against doing all of these messy, messy things. You’re constantly being told to “Get out of your own way” or “No, NO! Don’t do that again, ever!” But alas, like a moth to a flame, here we are again, trying to help you sell your moped on Craigslist while making a pros/cons list for why you shouldn’t get back together with that verbally abusive dingus-douche that dumped you at Olive Garden.
Remedy?
Clean your shit up. Your life, your apartment, your closet, your credit score, your issues with your sister, just everything! Your friends will thank you for it.
The Sloppy Friend
Tequila isn’t your friend. “Backing that thing up or dropping it low” on the dance floor isn’t your friend. These are the cues that things can and probably will go awry within minutes. Additionally, the sports bar combo of excessive beer and onion rings have blown up in our faces (literally) just one time too many, my dude. No, we don’t want to join you in “cutting that betch” who cut you in line, nor do we want to help punch the eardrum out of that guy who did some miniscule thing that you’ve taken grave offense to at 2:30 in the morning. You’re a handful, and we’re tired of holding your hair back or grabbing and propelling you out of the bar/the car/the apartment/the Costco? Yes, you were drunk in Costco. You bought a box of frozen mozzarella sticks, nose hair trimmers, and a lawn chair. In short, you’re too loud, and often too much. And you know it. You’re a hell of a good time and we appreciate it, but we don’t need you to be “turnt all the way up” and “wasted out of your frigging mind” at every outing. Save some for the really big moments — like if the Knicks beat Miami in the playoffs or you get that promotion to Senior Supervising Co-Director of Receivables.
Remedy?
Chill out.
The Sweatpants Friend
That thing that happened that’s made you wear sweatpants or yoga pants or some other version of “soft pants” whenever we’ve seen you — yeah, it’s been over for longer than it’s been comfortable seeing you in sweatpants. Get it together. Working at home isn’t an excuse. Staying home with the baby isn’t a good enough reason. We’re going out now and those “pants” are totally unacceptable. And if there’s any type of writing on them, anything written across the butt, as if you were a middle-aged Orange County mom, or written down the side, as if you were a college student on a lacrosse team, and especially if there are food stains or other unidentifiable excretions — we’re doubly ready for you to launch those things into outer space. We’re taking you out to lunch and we know wearing sweatpants is just inches away from someone being comfortable enough to stuff their feet into those stupid, slop-mat Ugg boot things, or maybe pair them with flip-flops (the horror), or possibly worn Commando if shit is really bad, and well, we just can’t handle that.
Remedy?
Snap out of it. We’re here for you and will help you get through it, but put on real pants for Christ’s sake.
The Debbie Downer Friend
Oh, Chicken Little, you’re having the worst, most horrible, most very bad day…everyday. You’re coming down with a cold or a swine flu…everyday. You’ve let us know that your boss is an asshole, your significant other is a dope, your house smells like cats, and you’re bloated so maybe you have a tapeworm? Everyday. Your glove compartment is like a medicine cabinet, and you’ve got a will made out and you’re twenty-eight. We are literally counting the seconds until you expire into vapor. The world. The entirety of it. Is…just…too…much. It hurts. Oh, it hurts so much. The living…it burns. When we talk to you the first thing we ask is, “How are you?” with our voices going up an octave at the end as we anticipate the latest onslaught of “The thing, oh, the unbelievable thing, that went terribly wrong today.” We love you, but you’ve got to get a better outlook. Things can always be so much, much worse. So, let’s get some perspective. Or really, just stop watching Dr. Oz. It’s always cancer with Dr. Oz.
Remedy?
Sex. And lots of it.
The Secret Hater Friend
Are you doing it right now? Right now are you “fake smiling.” Did your friend just tell you good news, and then you said to yourself, “That’s going to end in shit. A total waste.” Haha! You’re probably a secret hater. That doesn’t mean that you are incapable of being a supportive, altruistic friend. You certainly can be, but at the same time, perhaps you interact with your friends with an eyebrow half-cocked while bringing up the negative side to things a little more often than you should. It’s not that you want your friends to fail per se. No, not that. But the ones who seem to have nothing but good luck? Well, you kind of wish they’d get audited by the IRS, or a parking ticket, or maybe a good case of hair lice. Something, right?
Remedy?
Slap yourself on your wrist. Now go call the “Golden Girl or Guy” of your crew and congratulate them on their raise or other glutinous windfall of benevolent offerings they’ve received. Now they’ll be able to afford that second mortgage or a horse. Whatever. You’ll feel better once you stop keeping score.
Mr. or Ms. Jones Friend
You’re “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” and everyone knows it. And if they don’t…you’ll be sure to tell them. If it’s new, you flaunt it. Dammit, you paid a lot of money for this thing whatever it is, a hoverboard, a mongoose with a Swarovski encrusted pelt, and you will tell the price you paid. Because if everyone doesn’t know that you paid $$$$$ for this thing how will you ever tell yourself that you’re superior to everyone you know? This goes for things bought for you by your spouse, and all other trivial things that seem magnanimous once you spin the tale. This doesn’t just apply to friends who seem to spend money unendingly. This also goes for those who always get the newest and latest gadget or new hot “must have” item. Sigh. Yes, Google Glass(es). Whatever.
Remedy?
Either get yourself a reality show or a bunch of new friends. Honestly, though, no one cares about your material things. Well, great friends won’t truly care. So, stop treating them like strangers and put your “one upmanship” abacus away. It’s a game you’re going to lose.
The Blow-Off Friend
Yet again you’ve broken plans with your friends. Whether it’s because you have a new significant other, or a better offer came along, or you’re just hella tired and can’t really make the commitment. Did you at least explain all this, or did you just figure that your really good friends will accept you blowing them off because you’re you? Sure, yes, that’ll work for a while, but at some point, you’ll be known as that friend who always cancels at the last minute — eyerolls abound. You’ll be the one who gets invited last to things, and then you’ll wonder why you were never asked to go do xyz when so-and-so had tickets, or when the group had an amazing time doing that thing that “just kind of came together” during an outing that you never made it to. You will become Mr. or Ms. “Johnny Come Lately”, and effectively will slide down the list of people in the loop.
Remedy?
Sometimes you’ve got to be present. Friends will accept a lot, but being blown off repeatedly tries even the most steely of nerves. Making your friends an afterthought when they need you, or are working hard to include you, will ensure you’ll get the same in return.
So there you have it, a small introduction to identifying whether or not you’re “that” friend, OR if you’re a friend of “that” friend — a way not to feel bad about doling out “real talk.” Sure, life is often ridiculous, and at times it’s not all peaches and cream, but dang it! you just can’t check out, overindulge, get sloppy, or make others feel bad to the extreme! Everyone needs to spend time in sweatpants, or to lament about the woes that come with all the peaks and valleys of living a life well spent, but as your friend(s) someone has got to tell you when to pump the breaks. So, sometimes the PSA comes to your living room. And additionally, if you can count “that friend” amongst your cohorts, you wouldn’t be a good friend, if you didn’t put the kibosh on all their bullshit! Right? Right.
If anyone has any others feel free to post them in the comments.
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