New movie posters are fun! They’re the first glimpse we get into the brain of an upcoming movie, but more importantly, of whether or not the film looks like a hit or the kind of thing that will be ridiculed in a few short months. Guess where potentially these four fall?
Yes, yes, if we want to actually get into the lore, Wolverine in the comics did spend time in Japan. He is a master of all martial arts, which is interesting because rarely in any of the movies in the X-Men franchise has he seemed particularly skilled in martial arts. Screaming, slicing, beserking out while doing the first two? Yes. The patient study of the samurai? Well, no. Apparently in the upcoming The Wolverine, Logan travels to Japan to train with a samurai warrior. That’s kind of, er, unexpected. From this poster we think he looks like Tom Cruise with a Freddy Krueger glove holding a cool action figure sword! Like you just jammed this sword in his hand used by another action figure because why the hell not? But, you know, whatever. It’s not like we’ve never been disappointed by a Wolverine movie before. Onward Mutton Chops!
Did you know Jason Stratham and Jennifer Lopez filmed a movie? No? Me neither. And more to the point doesn’t this look like nearly every movie Jason Statham has ever made? Yup. What possibly could the logline for this thing be? Hitman/Gangster/miscellaneous bad guy has to do a bad deed, but in the process a beguiling femme fatale gets in the way and things get hot and heavy. Yes? Mostly. “A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew’s latest heist.” Yeah, that’s sooo much different. Just what is happening to JLo’s movie career? This thing looks like an episode of Burn Notice! Do we also want to talk about the liberal airbrushing and retouching? No.
So we imagine Stallone is entering into his Cape Fear days of acting? You know when he gets all tatted and shredded? Either that, or that’s one really ugly Ed Hardy t-shirt. Or is he now a boxer with a gun? Rocky Balbobo? Neither. Looks like he’s some sort of hitman (WE KNEW SOMEBODY WOULD BE A HITMAN!) and he and Jason Momoa, and inexplicably Christian Slater, will run around this movie called Bullet to the Head doing all types of testosterone type things or maybe they’ll just count the veins in Stallone’s forearm. Sheesh.
Lastly, here’s the upcoming Michael Bay vehicle, Pain & Gain starring The Rock and Marky Mark as two guys just pumping iron. HA! Or maybe The Rock will use Wahlberg as a weight bar because standing next to The Rock Wahlberg needs to maybe put a couple steaks under his tank top. Hee-hee. Oh, wait. We’re sorry. There’s actually more to this storyline that Michael Bay will be the natural destroyer of, “A pair of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion ring and a kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong.” In the meantime everyone will just stand around cocking their eyebrows. See, look! Wahlberg is like, “My eyebrow is so much more cocked than yours, Dwayne. I’m totally winning. If there were a contest that measured the amount of cock in an eyebrow I’d be like Mr. Universe.” The Rock then just screamed in his face and ate Mark’s entire head. The end.
