Men and their OKCupid plight has been a churning topic in the blogosphere for the last couple of days. Well, that, and this other weird email the website sent out in honor of today’s end of the world day which asks if you want to die alone, which seems like a sad, sad statement about singledom that we’ll just leave right there. But we’ll say that for all of us marrieds out there, there may be a certain level of bafflement when it comes to the online dating world and how men and women fare in it. Groups of so-called nice guys are adamant that they’re not getting a fair shake. Is that true? And if so, what should they be mindful of?
How Important is the Profile?
Sure, we understand that the profile is probably the best place to tell the world, or at least the world of OKCupid, more about you. As one could imagine you want your profile to make you seem, what we gather, some level of fun! approachable! not too weird or anti-social, but discerning and selective, but not overly so, because yah! I want dates! Is this somewhat right? Is this the main goal? But there seems to be some sort of OKCupid underbelly where what you read may not be what the person on the other end really means, and deciphering the meaning is somehow akin to looking for a new house or apartment. Ergo the descriptions say things like “cozy” meaning small, or “quaint” meaning it probably has lead paint, or “sun-dappled” meaning you’ll be blazing hot in the summer and need blackout drapes in your bedroom. So we imagine this may be the way many interpret the “profile.”
Case in point, a while ago (2007) it seems writer or blogger, not sure of his occupation, Max Kanat-Alexander, came up with a snarky little cheat sheet or guide for profiles which kinda reads like a “nice guy on a revenge rant” type diatribe while it attempts to help those missing incredibly important profile “cues.” However his manifesto also possibly doubles as his own back-handed profile submission. Huh? Interesting! If you have an issue with anything he says (and you probably will), you should really come find him on OKCupid, because even in grousing about the world of internet dating it’s still a way to promote yourself in the hierarchy of internet dating. Really. He says:
The most important and primary rule is: Always Believe People. I’ll say it again, but I’ll make it look different: always believe people.
For example: If somebody says, “I’m a bitch,” that means they’re a bitch. They will eat your ever-loving soul and kick you when you’re down. Your mother will hate them and your friends will desert you. They are not secretly nice people.
Or say, somebody says “I’m boring.” Guess what, boys and girls? That means they’re boring. You’ll claw your eyes out trying to have a conversation with them, even if you’re not using your eyes. Even if you already lost your eyes in a freak inkwell accident, you’ll try to claw them out again. Boring Is Boring. Boring, people. Boring.
Also, boys: Random Girls On The Internet Do Not Want to Have Sex With You. And if they do, run away. Run away fast. Become Speedy Gonzales. Grow wings. Fly away. Get out, people. Because that girl is cuh-razy. She will eat your BRANE for dinner. To top it all off, she’s bad in bed and she has a face like King Kong meets Martha Stewart. So don’t be fooled boys. She’s just taken one too many of them funny pills.
Uh-huh. Okay, Max. We gather you’ve had a hard time!
The Friend Zone
Speaking of “nice guys,” it seems that one of their main pet peeves is being stuck in the Friend Zone. Now, we marrieds understand the Friend Zone. We probably had a friend way back when before we met our life-partner who even if there were a romantic moment to be had, that person either never made “the move” or okayed the launch codes for “the move” to happen to them. And we all know what “the move” is. That thing that tells the other person that their buddy, their pal, their cool dude they hang out with is really a hot blooded boy or girl who could effectively break your spine in bed when that single zap of chemistry latches on and won’t let go — and without it this is how they end up invited for brunch instead of dinner. The Friend Zone. Max Kanat-Alexander sounds like a guy who found himself one too many times in the Friend Zone (and its made him crazy.)
But then there are the ones who are more than a little upset about that classification and have no idea, despite some obvious things, of how they got there. The interwebz have been abuzz about these guys who are just fed up with being nice guys and always having bullshit afternoon tea with people and never breakfast, or something like that, so they’re fighting back. On Tumblr, for Nice Guys of OkCupid, apparently The Friend Zone is a place full of missiles and Nunchaku parties, because these guys are mad, and just aren’t going to take it anymore! The overwhelming sense however is that somehow women are to blame for not seeing the super special greatness of these guys. And among the nice guy ranks are the ones who think women are obligated to have sex, shave their legs, and stop living in the past about their rapes, so that if there’s a choice to be made between an abuser and an asshole — one of these other (equally angry or strange?) guys is the one for you.
It May Be True That Women Have It Easier
One group of researchers decided to create ten fake OK Cupid profiles to see if the widely held notion of women having it easier on these sites is true. They used fake photographs with the photos selected by a small group, mainly by asking what they thought OKCupid users would consider “hot.”
In the first 24 hours of the profiles being online:
- Each woman received at least one message, but the two best looking women received 581% more messages than the other three combined.
- Only one man received any messages.
In seven days of being live:
- The most contacted woman had almost 17 times more messages in a week than the most contacted man.
- Three of the men had no messages, despite their profiles being viewed about 25 times between them.
- The women’s messages outnumbered the men’s 17 to 1 (mostly thanks to the two best looking women).
- The two best looking men received 5 fewer messages than the 3rd and 4th best looking women.
After 4 Months:
Apparently women do have it easier in some respects when it comes to attracting sheer volumes of attention — however whether all that attention comes without stereotypes and tired tropes about men’s aggressive nature vs. women’s passivity (i.e. playing hard to get since the fake profiles never generated a response) may be indicated here as well. The end result being that “while women may have wider selection capabilities, a number of girls are faced with a signal to noise ratio that can render the selection process into a null.”
After reading the messages the men left in the women’s inboxes what was concluded was, “most men compliment the attractive women a lot, they make reference to something in the woman’s profile, or they ask a general question about travel or something equally boring.”
The takeaway for men in terms of staying out of the Friend Zone and competing with other dudes hoping for dates, boils down to a few notes.
- Demonstrate creativity, intelligence and great sense of humor
- Be totally different to anything she may have received before
- Be obviously unique and not a cut-and-paste job
- Show that I’ve read her profile and absorbed facts about her
- Not be needy!
You see, Nice Guys of OkCupid Tumblr, the last one is probably the biggest note of all to take.
