Whelp, there’s really no point in Bruce Willis’ John McClane actually saying much in the first teaser trailer for the fifth offering in the Die Hard franchise. Nope. Really? You don’t know what John McClane says and how he says it? Who are you? Some kid born in 1992? If you don’t know, it’s usually some grouchy, grizzled version of “I’ll kick your ass, because ass kicking is what I do, kid.” Imagine Bruce Willis said that. See? This is what we’re saying.
What we do get from this teaser (Sigh. Remember the days when there was just one trailer?) is a lot of things that blow up, or are shot up. John, apparently, is caught in another McClane type pickle with a bad guy looking smug and assholish as he unveils his plan to take over the world/get a lot of money/be a new kind of terrorist/ just make people have bad days and probably stop traffic somewhere. But in this entry McClane is going to save a city in Russia so the loglines say, with his son, instead of the daughter we met in Live Free or Die Hard which co-starred Justin Long as that guy Justin Long is when he’s uncomfortable and scared of shadowy bad guys. Basically, out trots Justin’s pre-Shia LaBeouf “No, no, no” wisecrack, sidekick shtick. This is important franchise history, you see. Just how Reginald VelJohnson and Samuel L. Jackson were integral to later sequels. Not at all. He’s gone because he’s no longer important. So off he goes to movie world absentia and will probably be referenced in a postcard or a background voicemail message. In comes Jai Courtney formerly of the first season of Starz’s Spartacus: Vengeance and nowhere else apparently. We’ll just ask, is the point to make everyone have shorn hair so they can look as much like Tom Hardy as humanly possible? Is he the gold standard action guy now? Sam Worthington must be so disappointed in himself and those horrible Clash of the Titanium Crap movies.
So, BOOM, BANG, FIRE, FIRE, CRASH, GUN COCK, SLAM, PATRIOTS! and there we have a teaser trailer for a Bruce Willis movie opening on Valentine’s Day. Fantastic! Date night? In honor of cupid’s day, the teaser would also like to give you a gratuitous non-verbal boob and booty shot just for the ladies. What?
Anyway, Stallone and Willis are taking turns being the ones heaving the 80’s action movie genre along thirty years later, so that counts for something. Go watch Bruce Willis blow shit up and say things like, “The 007 of Jersey or Mutton Chops, or Leather Suit Jackets” or something. It’ll be fun, and will probably only suck if you think about it too hard.
BOOM!
