Three men and a baby movie; nature vs. noxious political party; Miley Cyrus gets a gig on a show that will never end; Norman Bates finds his mother; unfunny things; casting notes; and why Reince Priebus should never speak.
Spider Man, Bane, and Leonardo DiCaprio wearing his J. Edgar Hoover face with a Great Gatsby suit, since he’s never been a true superhero, will be teaming up. Haha! We don’t mean in some sort of Marvel universe, because that would make Leo “Hoover Man” and that just doesn’t have a good ring to it, and besides his secret weapon would probably be a vacuum cleaner or maybe his power would be super suction or whatever. Lame. Ok! The trio of Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire and Tom Hardy will join hands to make a movie about saving animals — and it’s going to be intricate and very Steven Soderbergh. They will produce an untitled drama about animal-trafficking and anti-poaching, so yeah; they’re thinking Traffic. Yep, these guys, these movie star dudes are going to like produce a serious film and we’re going to say, “Did you hear about that film by Hardy, Maguire, DiCaprio or as we like to call them Hard Mag Caps, which sounds like a 1920’s gangster noir film, but it’s really about saving animals?” No? “Uh, okay. You should really find out about it. It’s not everyday you get three dudes together who’re big stars making huge movies who spend time putting together films about saving animals just for you people out there.” And then Matt Damon and Ben Affleck will say “It needs more Boston!” and then Hard Mag Caps will laugh nervously and try and find a way to put “Wicked Awesome” in it and guys in bars with baseball bats, because Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are obviously the kings of actors making movies about serious dramatic topics. Sheesh, Hard Mag Caps, you guys didn’t know that? [THR]
The Battle Royale with Cheese! Who will win Hurricane Isaac, or that crazy Republican hullabaloo starring a cavalcade of charlatans and womb regulators that’s descended upon the sleepy burg of Tampa, Florida? It’s anyone’s guess. CNN has already deemed the RNC convention a boring whacky fringe parade and has moved Anderson Cooper to New Orleans to cover Isaac. Hilariously, Fox News has done the same for Shepard Smith which probably has more to do with Shep’s penchant for rolling his eyes at the Republicans than anything else. The rest seems to be a toss-up! Prepare for dual coverage of the Wrath of God vs. The Wrath of Republicans Suck, a SyFy channel original. [Deadline]
Newly shorn hair-punk and Bea Arthur impersonator, Miley Cyrus, has been tapped to do an arc on stupid, Cheetos television show, Two & A Half Men. She’ll play a family friend of whoever Ashton Kutcher’s character is supposed to be on that show. We’ll call him “Failed Movie Star.” The arc will include Cyrus developing a relationship with beef eater, armpit fart king; Jake (Angus T. Jones) who we now believe is 37 on that show. Seriously, how many seasons has Two & a Half Jon Cryer Cries been on the air? What? Oh, this will be its tenth season. Fantastic. It won’t end until Angus T. Jones’ character gets divorced and Jon Cryer gets a new prostate. Things to look forward to. [Deadline]
Understated indie actress Vera Farmiga has landed the role of Norma Bates in A&E’s Psycho prequel series, Bates Motel. Because what else would’ve it been called, Creepy Mom’s Touchy Fingers? Well, the most we can say right now is that by bringing in someone of Farmiga’s caliber we can definitely see the “intense creep” factor ratchet up. The character of Norma Bates is being described as “passionate, and compelling, a smart, multidimensional character who is always capable of surprising us.” Uh-huh. That sounds like code for, “Will freak you the farknockers out!” So this is good we think. If you’re going to do a Psycho prequel, because we really need to explore oedipal complexes and psychosis, getting someone that will be passionate and multidimensional is probably a prerequisite. [Deadline]
Oh, God. Chelsea Handler with her unfunniness has sold a pilot to NBC. We weren’t expecting this. Who are we kidding? NBC finds comic hobos littering cable access channels and stand-up comedy houses in Peoria and decides to give them a shot at doing a pilot on their network daily, so this thing, based on fellow comedienne, Ingrid Haas’ life should be a riot! “When Ingrid’s parents come to visit her in Los Angeles, she accidentally breaks up their marriage, forcing Ingrid’s dad, Wayne, to move in with her and her roommate in their Melrose Place-style apartment building.” Oh, ho. So it’s basically Too Close for Comfort mixed with Melrose Place? Funny, we’ve never seen either of these two shows. Is there a wacky male BFF that also lives in the building named Monroe? Jim J. Bullock! They’re calling you! [Deadline]
Michael Fassbender is circling a western. Jane Got a Gun, co-starring Natalie Portman. Put in obligatory Fassbender chaps joke here. [Vulture]
Shia LeBarf really dropped acid in his last movie, The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman. Put in obligatory eye-roll regarding all things Shia LaBeouf here. [Vulture]
Hey! Chris Matthews took on RNC Chairman Rice Hubris, or Prince Pubis, or Mince Boobtits about that Mitt Romney cheap birther shot last week. Pubis Hubris Penis Craplisp defended it terribly. We all laugh and laugh.
“You got your monologue in, so congratulations,” Priebus said. “The fact of the matter is that he’s from Michigan, he was born in Michigan, he was making the point that ‘I was born in Michigan.’ And we’ve gotten to the point in politics that any moment is levity is frowned on by guys like you.”
Matthews responded, “What was the joke?” [THR]
