By now you’ve probably heard about the tumblr Rich Kids of Instagram which has got to be the equivalent to some sort of pictorial depiction of the biggest ocean of douche we’ve ever encountered. Like literally, it’s a grazing farm of assholes who’ve decided that you should see them all engaging in first hand assholery in a way that should probably never, ever be explored.
Champagne showers, parties in tuxedos while beer ponging, Tom Hank’s son, Chet Haze, sitting beneath a gigantic elephant head in a magnanimous rumpus room clad in beach wear, which made us giggle just remembering that scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. These are the things that keep America’s 1% occupied.
We can talk ad-nauseum about how ridiculous it all is, and we can even discuss the inherent stupidity that goes along with making choices based solely on expendable wealth with no concern for the value of a hard-earned dollar. And then there are just plain idiotic things like this which offended us more than anything else shown on the entire site.
One of these kids posted a pic of a receipt totaling more than $100,000 where he/she bought two Jeroboams and a Methusalem (Is it served in a platinum plated Methuselah sandal?) of Dom Perignon Rose (the equivalent of 16 bottles of champagne) exceeding $90,000, this, in addition to the upwards of $14,000 of Beluga caviar along with thousand dollar lobster — AND THEN — buys two coca colas and four Evian waters for more than 10 US dollars each! Facepalm. Geniuses. Firstly, who’s the dickchode who couldn’t handle the expensive stuff and flew all the way to St. Tropez for a frigging Coke? And secondly, 10 EUROS FOR A COCA-COLA?! You’d actually spend that kind of money for a soda? Were there gold bars floating in it? No need to haggle, eh? No, not when you’ll spend the price of a luxury car on dinner with other Spelling Bee champs like yourselves. Smacks all around the table.
But, we digress. Aside from the insane expenditures, the bigger issue that’s cropped up in the last week or so has been the safety of the rich families at the center of this Instagram fad. Things turned nefarious when Michael Dell’s kids shared their family’s travel plans and daily activities on Twitter and Instagram, posing a huge threat to their security. Uh, duh. International crime syndicates would love to pirate along and seize these rich folks as they’re sailing on their huge yachts after the kids have told the entire world their itinerary. Know what happens to CEOs and their families in the waters of Mexico and South America, kiddies? Kidnappings and being held for ransom. Yeah, that’s what, Trevor and Isolde. (We assume that’s what they’re called. No, not really. It’s Alexa and Zachary. Soooo much better.) Because it makes total sense, the social media accounts of Dell’s kids have since been deactivated. Good thing someone in that family is thinking about safeguarding the money themselves.
No, no, we wouldn’t think it’s funny if something horrible did happen, but it’s important to note that social media isn’t just about sending cool shots of cupcakes and gold cards to your buddies. There are no online vacuums as Rich Kids of Instagram actually shows. There’s really no excuse for overexposure. And there’s definitely no excuse for Chet Haze ever.
So we think perhaps these kids may start to learn a valuable lesson from all this. Unless you want to reenact your own 1980’s style rescue movie that features a swarthy gentleman dressed as Freddie Mercury with an indistinguishable accent complete with menacing facial hair — maybe you shouldn’t post your entire life, with pictures, on the interwebs. Also, never, ever, spend $10 or more, anywhere, on a Coca-Cola, you weirdos.
