It’s difficult to picture what life was like before Andy Cohen, the Machiavellian creator behind one of the most popular franchises of reality TV, redefined the meaning of fame. No longer is there any mystery surrounding today’s celebs. The more dirty laundry and ridiculousness these “stars” air, the more famous they become. I admit it, I’m sucked in, I can’t stop watching the monstorous train wrecks they create week after week. These people are today’s version of Dynasty and Falcon Crest, except for, you know, most of them don’t really have any money. What they lack in the pocketbook however, they make up in shamelessness.
Lucky for us, the viewer, the stars of these series will go to any length to ensure their relevancy. I could be here for a month listing all of the cringe worthy moments in Housewife history. But in the interest of not giving you all aneurysms, here are some of my favorite, most shameless moments from The Real Housewives.
Most shameless baby bump watch. The Countess is trying to get knocked up?
No, I’m not going to talk about the fact that The Real Housewives of New York’s Luann insists that all refer to her as “Countess” or of her elegance is lurrrrned music career. The Countess is shouting from the mountaintops that she est en amour with Ross, Balki, Jacques, her younger boyfriend. The fact that he is younger than her, is not the issue here. On that note, I say you go Countess. The problem I’m having here is the obvious attempt to jump on the famous people baby making train. Frankly, I don’t know whose idea this storyline was, but they are insulting me with this stupidity. The Countess is 47 and wants to try to get pregnant “holistically,” and not use any form of medical assistance what-so-ever. To that I say, bitch please. Sit down gurl, you don’t want to get pregnant, you want a storyline. I know, I know. You always hear stories about a mature woman getting knocked up without assistance. I’m sorry, but that woman who does, is either lucky or cursed, depending on how you look at it.
Most shameless profiting off of the dead. Taylor Armstrong’s book.
Look, almost all of the Housewives are hocking something these days. Ramona has her Pinot GrEEDGio (pun not intended, but ha-ha!), Maloof has her hoofs and most of them have “books.” And, yes, true, I don’t know what happened behind closed doors in the Armstrong house. But as Brandi put it so poignantly, Taylor from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, wrote and published her tell-all book a “hot minute” after the suicide of her estranged husband Russell Armstrong. The book, Hiding from Reality; My Story of Love, Loss and Finding the Courage Within is a 272 page memoir that chronicles the relationship between she and her late husband. It also contains pictures of her alleged abuse by him. Russell committed suicide in August 2011; the book was published in February 2012. Grifter say what? Wait a minute before you publish a book trashing your dead husband. Yes, the allegations are serious and really tragic. I probably shouldn’t be judging this woman’s plight, but the whole thing just seems kind of oogie, tasteless and, forgive me, a bit far-fetched.
Most shameless use of their children for more time on the show. Teresa Giudice scars her daughter for life.
I could rename this one: Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is shameless in all of her actions. I mean she actually growled on TV in a fit of rage after going after show villain Danielle Staub and slapped thousands of dollars in cash in front of us (and her creditors) to buy some assy looking furniture, five seconds before declaring bankruptcy. But to me the most cringe worthy moment was when she took her obviously embarrassed daughter, Gia, to buy a braw. Teresa was teasing the poor child about not having bubbies and took a moment that should have been an intimate moment between a daughter and mother, and displayed it on national television for all of America to see. Our hairline challenged beaut will say that this was a public service announcement along the lines of an after school special. Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. . .we know better, this gave you more air time! You really don’t have to put everything on the TV. Now, what about when the boy Gia says she doesn’t like but secretly luuuvvvs sees the show? What about when her arch enemy sees the episode? Or worse, her friends! At that age, I would have rather have eaten dog doodie than to be seen shopping for a bra with my mother, let alone in front of the world on the TV! For shame Teresa, for shame.
Most shameless Significant Others. The embarrassing men in the Housewives’ lives.
The outright answer to this could be “all of them”. However, there are some that win hands down the prize for shameless antics. One would think they wanted to be a Housewife themselves. Let’s take serial Housewife dater, Slade Smiley from The Real Housewives of Orange County. First he was engaged to Jo, then dated Laurie (which he tried to deny) and now most recently, lives with Gretchen. In the first year of the series, Slade flashed his Black Am ex at us every opportunity he could. Now he’s a broke ass trying to have a career in comedy. Ha-ha. He thinks he’s funny. That’s really the only thing funny about his comedy. Yes it’s super original calling Vicki Miss Piggy, ohahahahaha, I can’t believe you thought of that one Slade Smiley! Next we have New Jersey’s Joe Gorga, the self-proclaimed “angel from God,” who has expertly made a whole story line revolving around his drama with his sister Teresa. He gets more screen time than Housewife husband in the history of the series. I must say well-played on that one shorty. However, it is lunch time, so I won’t get into the whole #gorgasams bit. Oy veh mashugana then gag me with a spoon. Gross. And finally, we have the most ridiculously well-dressed, dandy ray of sunshine on a cloudy day and most favoritis one of all, New York’s Simon Van Kempen. I’ll just leave this here. No explanations necessary.
Most shameless stand by your man. Vicki Gunvalson’s new boyfriend is shady and her end of show toast is making me uncomfortable.
Vicki, from The Real Housewives of Orange County, has been on Slade’s case for years about his deadbeat dad ways. I didn’t blame her either, men who don’t support their children suck. But I guess they only suck if they aren’t shtupping Vicki in her love tank. According to Radar online and the gals on the show, Vicki’s new beau, Brooks Ayers is something to the tune of $40,000 behind in back child support. Everyone from her former BFF, Tamara Barney to her very own daughter, Brianna, have tried to tell Vicki that Brooks es no bueno. But Vicki ain’t having it and is screeching at everyone who gets in the way of her teeny bopper love affair with Toofless McShady. On the final episode Vicki takes Heather Dubrow’s lovely toast and makes it all about her in an uncomfortable eff the haters’ toast. Vicki uses this time in front of family, friends, strangers and the camera crew to proclaim that Brooks is her man, so everyone better get used to him being around, cause she’s happy for the first time in her life. Hmmm, well okay, that’s bleak. I’m thinking by Brianna’s massive eye rolls that she will not be voting her Mother of the Year anytime soon. Oh and Vicki? That fur that Brooks stole from his invalid granny gave to you? You are allowed to take it off and stay a while dear.
Most shameless exploitation of a possible mental breakdown for ratings. Kelly Killoren Bensimon on “Scary Island”.
Kelly Bensimon of The Real Housewives of New York had a weird breakdown on an island vacation with her cast mates. She called Alex McCord a vampire and became upset because she had a dream that Bethany Frankel was trying to kill her. Apparently, we only saw a portion of the breakdown, but what we did see was bad enough. Not only was she acting out of her mind, she looked out of her mind. At one point, Bethenny Frankel screamed at her to “go to bed!” Finally, her fellow cast mates concluded that there is no arguing with crazy and left her alone. Bravo continued to play the episode continuously and did not offer any defense of Kelly’s behavior. She denies it was a breakdown. In fact, during the reunion, Kelly says Bravo forced her to go on the trip, which Andy Cohen strongly denied.
Most shameless it’s a tie between most fake date and worst singing ever. Sheree Whitfield’s “doctor” and Kim Zolciak’s music career.
I couldn’t decide which moment in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was more cringe inducing, so I’ll let you decide. Sheree has a date with “Dr.” Tiy-E Muhammad, a self –proclaimed sex therapist. Their first date involved him making her dinner in his cardboard box of an apartment and presenting her with the on special, wilted $6.99 grocery store flowers. Who cares, right? Sheree has enough money of her own, right? Only the “doctor” acts like a huge fancy pants who just wants a woman to love him for him and not his, ahem, wealth. Sheree can’t believe there is no sophistication or classssss involved on this date, and in scene five, we see Sheree saying “see ya later Boo!” to the “Dr.” Tiy. It turns out that the good “doctor” isn’t a doctor after all by the way. He was the “Professor” for the Orange team on the TBS reality show Gilligan’s Island and that’s just a scratch in the surface of the doc’s dealings. This moment is tied with Kim Zolciak’s delusion. But on second thought someone gave her a record contract, and some people paid to see her perform Tardy for the Party, so who’s got the last laugh here.
There is hope…these people get it.
Every once in a while there is a reality show unicorn. A character that is in on the joke. They don’t take the job too seriously and make endless fun of their fellow cast mates who do. Take Bethenny Frankel, formally of New York Housewives for example. She used the show as a platform to successfully launch her brand, Skinny Girl; in the meantime, never taking herself too seriously and calling everyone on the show out on their stuff. You could always count on Bethenny to say what you were thinking with her whip-smart one liners.
Then there is Atlanta’s Nene Leaks. It would be easy to think she isn’t in on it and she is affected by the fame of reality TV. However, I disagree. I think Nene has created an exaggerated characterization of who she really is and is able to sell it and segue it onto other shows such as The Apprentice and Glee. Making her, as she will be happy to tell you, VERY RICH.
The 80s like screen siren Lisa Vanderpump has the best zingers of them all. She is doing the show for fun and maybe to boost restaurant business a bit, but mainly because it’s a hoot. The introduction of her sidekicks, bumbling husband Ken and fashionably correct dog Jiggy are a brilliant way for her to secure her standing in the hearts of reality TV viewers. She forever remains a fan favorite, which drives the others crahazey! But Pinky don’t care, she could walk away from it all in flash. Unlike the rest, she doesn’t need it like they do.
Newbie Carol Radziwell of The Real Housewives of New York most definitely is in on the joke and I don’t see that changing. Carol, a for real Princess, calls The Countess out on her tendency to have a “royalty Tourettes” and mocking her fake British accent while visiting England. She doesn’t take sides and no one is immune from her snark.
And our final sparkly unicorn is Lebanese Jeff Goldblum, Rich Wakile of New Jersey. With his big dezinah glasses and gigantic jewlery, he knows he is a spectacle. He makes me laugh and I think he enjoys that. He is the comic relief among a bunch of meanies.
