Horrible filmmaker to set the high seas on fire; vampires are still a thing on the CW; Joseph Gordon-Levitt to take control of his own projects; Robert Pattinson to hide his sparkling chest in a new movie; and Lifetime does biopics now too.
Forever shitty, garbage movie-maker, Michael Bay will be producing a pirate adventure series for Starz. Well, that sounds a bit like we took some sort of narcotic and while we faded out into a world of golden monkeys and hairy fists in our bowl of oatmeal, someone also told us Michael Bay was going to do volcanically horrible things, but now on television. And so it was born! A Michael Bay demon baby tentatively titled Black Sails which is being billed as a prequel to Treasure Island and chronicles the adventures of fabled buccaneer Captain Flint and his men right before big stupid robots from space come down from mega-shit-tron! Pow! Bang! HERE! NOW YOU HAVE A BIG ROBO CRASH ON YOUR PIDDLY BOAT! Yes, this sounds like an excellent idea brought to you by Michael Bay robot king and sultan of dumpsters in 7-Eleven parking lots where his movies are made. [Deadline]
Vampires, two hunks and things that go bump in the night, and people who are never going to be as awesome as Brandon, Dylan, Brenda, and Kelly, will be back for another season on the CW channel. The network has announced new seasons for their most viewed scripted series, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural and 90210. So that’s a good thing we guess. It’s not like Jim Lehrer hosts a show on the CW which would have competed for ratings. We’re pretty much thinking those shows with sporty young people — whether they have fangs, pectorals, or I dunno, hair gel and questionable underage sex in beach cabanas — would get renewed on a network that has a built in demographic for that sort of thing. But really they could just meld all three into one show and call it My Supernatural Diary of Bad Acting, right? Those guys with the hair and the broody chins, they’re not actually good actors are they? No, of course not. We only watch to see which leather jacket they’ll be wearing, see them save someone from a night curse/monster/werewolf/undead elder, and hope they make out with Brooke/Caroline/Elena/Bonnie. (Isn’t there always at least one named Brooke?) Yes? Okay, well, you know, ok sure. [Deadline]
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or JGL to all his friends and me, is developing a Warner’s Bros. remake of Little Shop of Horrors to also be a starring vehicle. There’s no word if he plans on keeping with the musical motif from the last iteration of this movie or not. Whatever he plans to do, it is a bit surprising. Who knew JGL was into developing movies? Doesn’t it seem like we first saw him a couple years ago. You almost feel like one wrong move in his career and he could be Shia LeBouef out there looking for a buoy after drowning in Michael Bay robot vomit for the last few years. One small turn in that kaleidoscope movie about dreams and Leonardo DiCaprio’s wet cat face, and he’s like a big name star or something! Good thing he didn’t decide to do like Green Lantern or something stupid like that. HA! That would have been really bad. Or imagine if he was a Twilight vampire! Oh, ho, he’d have to practically mail himself to the Hollywood sign at that point. Those folks aren’t at all typecast for the rest of their natural born lives. So good luck, JGL, you keep developing projects and don’t take any calls from Shia, Ryan, or Robert. [THR]
Oh, well, speaking of sparkling chests until the end of eternity, Robert Pattinson will launch his preternaturally sized cranium into a new film called The Rover which chronicles a man who relentlessly pursues a gang who stole his car through the wild and rough Australian outback of the near future. So…Dude, Where’s My Car, in Thunderdome? Exactly. No, probably not. It sounds like one of those frantic, panicked movies, where RobPatt will run into all manner of bad guys and probably one leggy actress who attempts to help him get his car back, but once he gets it they’ll have to put it in reverse to get all the miles off before Rob’s dad gets home. Sound good? Yeah, I didn’t think so. [Deadline]
The Lifetime network for ladies with lady-parts, with their jaunty new logo, the red menstruating Pokeman dot, is wasting no time putting together new movies for the channel. Singer and short-lived reality contest show personality, Jewel, will play June Carter Cash in a biopic, because that story hasn’t been discussed as recent as 2005. But! You know this is television and people who watch television have short attention spans. No one remembers some movie from 2005 starring nobody-person Reese Witherspoon and failed hip-hop star Joaquin Phoenix. Let’s trot out all new people like Jewel Sans-Lastname! Maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt will show up to look for BJs under Jewel’s sofa. What?! Really, tell me what else is going on in the scripted world of Lifetime television that doesn’t have to do with JLove’s orgasm boobs or seven days of sex? Tell me. [THR]
