SyFy unleashes a whole new list of non megapython things; Kardashians to never go away…ever, never, ever; Bill Maher to keep on “new ruling” his audience; Mel Gibson makes a very un-shocking move.
Well, Holy Megasaurus Dinocroc! The SyFy network, or the place where the B moviest of B movies lives has unveiled a huge slate of upcoming scripted projects. They’ve been really busy over there at the genetic mutation and paranormal earthworm factory! It’ll likely be raining all kinds of alien bugs and vicious snot monsters all over that place. Or maybe not! On tap are shows about Earth after a terra-forming event, time-travel, that thing about Matt Damon and Emily Blunt’s kicky chemistry, and thinly-veiled Jesus movie called The Adjustment Bureau, but now set for tee-vee; some sort of necromancy, ghosts, something called transhumans, boring old aliens (Boo! Really? Freaking aliens?) and a whole slew of other things. Wow. There’s a fooking genie in there somewhere, the Wright Brothers, and just sheesh, go read the whole list of science-fiction things that could be shown on that channel you stop at and wonder why a wizard is fighting with a flying monkey-cow! Do it! [Deadline]
Our nation’s most useless family, the Kardashians, have signed yet another deal to hold the world hostage with all their antics as the shill-shame-shitshow “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” lurches on for another three seasons. We can only imagine all the things that will happen on this never-ending joy ride of suckitude and pouty lips. Will the other two ever get married? Will the one have a baby? Will the old guy get another face lift? These are the things that keep the world up at night. There’s no better way to keep stuffing the tabloids than to keep making a mountain of money wrapped in crap that is the Kardashian empire. Be prepared to hear about every stupid move this family makes for the foreseeable future because apparently Ryan Seacrest will keep our eyelids pried open to witness the trainwreck made from brainless nothing. Fantastic. [Deadline]
So last week it was time for shouting weasels Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to renew their contracts so that they can out-imbecile each other over on that donkey cart called Fox News. Now HBO has renewed mostly insufferable, but sometimes right about nearly everything, Bill Maher’s show Real Time With Bill Maher about hating everything said by those first two jackals I mentioned, and some other things about government, politics, marijuana, and his penchant for the new Secret Service pastime, hookers on parade. “Bill Maher’s irreverent wit and fearless insights make him the perfect observer for these unpredictable times,” said HBO programming president Michael Lombardo. Yes, sure, he’s the best reporter for these unpredictable times since Keith Olbermann had an epic meltdown and made everyone leave the village with pitchforks, but you know, they’re all we’ve got. Oh, them, and Elliott Spitzer. HA! Erm, okay. [THR]
Now that Mel Gibson won’t be doing any Judaism martyr movies, because no one wanted him to do that ever, especially not the followers of Judaism, he’s decided to take on a whole new gig. He’ll be something in Robert Rodriguez and Danny Trejo’s Machete Kills which will kind of be like a grind house thing that a crazy person can probably really sink his self-cannibalizing teeth into. It’s probably just the kind of thing a grizzled, old nutbag with a penchant for screaming for hours on end on a telephone can really embrace and give his own special treatment. This should be fun…and scary. Make sure all the weapons are just props, because well, if your tits are sugared for some unknown reason Gibson may have something to say about them, and well, if you’re an African-American walking in a park, or are female, or believe in a religious faith — basically don’t come out of your trailer when Gibson’s on set. Ok? Great. [Vulture]
