Previously on Dance Moms, Melissa went crazy, again, and Chloe forgot her dance. This time, we’re heading to NYC because we’ve been invited to an open audition for the Joffrey Ballet School, which has absolutely no affiliation with the Joffrey Ballet of Chicago or the Joffrey Ballet Academy (other than being started by the same person). Join me after the jump!
We start in the actual Joffrey Ballet School, in studio two, one which I am very familiar with (Hi, Ms. Liz!!). Abby talks that they’re bringing in a coach to help out the girls and then points out that everyone in NYC takes dance classes. Yes. We all take dance classes, are super fierce and live in the apartment from Friends. She also talks about how the NYC kids are going to lots and lots of competitions. Um, no, crazy lady. NYC kids have more important shit to do. Competitions are for people in the suburbs who only understand getting trophies and will only dance till their 18. She then proceeds to chastise them all for not working together and thus not placing in the last competition. She makes a lot of good points, but refuses to even look at her “give them 5 dances, and 2 days to rehearse” style of coaching. And it looks like we’ve brought our pyramid of shame with us.
Paige is on the bottom because she was on the phone too much. Chips improvised in the trio, whatever that means, and thus screwed EVERYTHING UP. Chloe finishes us off because she forgot her dance.
Nia’s on the second level because she got hurt and worked through it, but needs more technique. Whose fault is that, Miss Teacher? Brooke does just what she needs to do and nothing more. Maddie’s on top and I hate Melissa’s gloating smile. Abby makes a big deal about how the scout choose them to come to this audition, despite it being an open audition and there being producers involved. They’re going to work on a ballet combo, and Abby starts in with her tricks and shit. Ok, I’ve auditioned for this school before, and unless things have changed, you take a class, not give a showcase. Go watch Center Stage if you want to see what I mean. Also, none of the girls look like ballet students, a point which Abby makes clear over and over again.
In addition to auditioning for Joffrey, the girls will also be attending the Starbound competition in Paramus, NJ. Because they don’t already have enough on their plates. The group number will be a serious topic. Again? One of the dance moms echoes my thoughts, but I can’t tell who it was. Abby says this will be a Chicago-esque jail number. I roll my eyes. Chloe and Maddie both have solos.
Taking a trip to a flyover state, we’re back at Candy Apples! There are cows somewhere in Ohio! Cathy’s found out that the Joffrey School’s having open auditions, because she knows how to use a computer. They’re going to head to the audition and then to NJ for Starbound. Cathy says that Abby’s stuck on a 1940’s stage doing Vaudeville, and I laugh so hard that I almost miss Justice’s impressive high kick.
Abby keeps bitching about how sloppy everyone’s being, and we get clips of the girls practicing ballet barre, and they’re making very beginner mistakes. On the floor, they’re doing split leaps and walkovers and shit and Abby’s all “if you screw up, the judges are WAITING to laugh at you.” No, they won’t. That’s massively unprofessional. The best thing anyone ever told me is that the judges/auditioners WANT you to win. They’re rooting for you, because that makes their job easier. It’s Abby who’s always bringing her students down. She then shots her girls down for not getting their arabesque’s high enough and says that no one will look at you if it’s not at least parallel to the floor. Lemme tell you something one of the Joffrey teachers told me. It doesn’t matter. Point your foot and make the best line you can, and if it’s only 45 degrees, that’s fine, because we can work to make it higher, but we can’t do anything if the foundation isn’t there.
The moms take off to go to Sansha to get their girls some new outfits. Sweet! I was thinking they were going to go to Capezio, since it has more name recognition, but Capezio’s really gone down the drain in the past 10 or so years. Maybe more. Sansha’s a smaller company, but they still carry stuff in my size, so I want them to have as much success as possible. The moms are confused by the leotard selection. The staff seems confused as to why they’re all there, but it could be that it’s past closing time.
At Candy Apples, we’re really playing up Kendall. Everyone’s freaking out about being in a room with judges, which is odd, but ok. Cathy informs everyone that the cream will rise to the top, and then we have a latte. Dear Cathy, lattes aren’t made with cream. Love, former barista.
Again, we’re back at Studio 2. Who did they pay? Anyway, we’re getting ready for Starbound. *sigh* Chloe will be the Queen of Hearts, because that’s not overdone. She’s excited and Abby gives this speech about how Chloe’s really good at embracing the dark dark side of her personality, but makes it sound like Chloe’s an evil, scheming bitch, rather then, she’s good at playing villains. Maddie gets a cutsy routine, but can’t seem to focus. Abby expecting big things, and then tells the girls to change. Apparently, Maddie and Chips left their dance bags in the hotel, and Melissa turns into a raging bitch, and starts chewing out Maddie, who’s about to cry, and then starts to chew out Abby for chewing out Maddie. It’s weird. Abby starts rambling on about how this is New York and there are 14 and 15 year olds out there who are living on their own and paying their own bills. *record scratch* Wha? What crazy world is this woman living in? Melissa’s not in the mood and Abby follows her out. They yell at each other, and I notice that all the really awesome posters, including the GORGEOUS vintage Ballet Russes poster have been replaced by white walls and a vending machine. Oh how things move on.
We keep hearing about how there’s SOO many auditioners for the ballet school, and it’s a huge deal. We get a shot of the moms waiting in a very cramped sitting space on the fifth floor. I’m going to let you into a secret. The Joffrey Ballet School’s space is mostly taken up by the studios. The hallways are SUPER tiny. So, you’ll see the moms packed in there like there are LOTS of people, but it’s more a trick of the setting. So, while the moms are waiting, we hear Cathy’s voice coming up the 70’s wood paneled staircase. Abby’s face is priceless, and while the girls get warmed up, she quotes Bring It On at Cathy. Why? I have no idea. Anyway, the girls are all doing solo dances for the judges, which doesn’t usually happen, unless it’s a New York thing (my auditions were in Houston, at the studio I was training at).
So far, none of the solos are ballet. Everyone’s doing their best competition dance, and the judges aren’t buying it. Because it’s a ballet school. One of them even looks embarrassed to be here. The lady judge isn’t a fan of tricks, which means we get lots of shots of the girls doing tricks and the judge pursing her lips. Chips does a number that ends in a booty shake. The judges tell her to inform whoever taught her to shake her bum bum, that they are really dumb dumb. A little passive aggressive, but makes the point. Sorta. It’s not like Abby’s going to listen anyway. Some girl auditions with WAY too much make up on, and the judges read her for it. Chloe’s about to go on, Christi’s really good with her beforehand. Chloe’s dance is the ONLY that looks anything like ballet, plus she has the quiet ballet face. The judges are really impressed and tell her she NEEDS to take more ballet classes, which she won’t be getting at the Abby Lee Miller studio. Maddie comes in and smizes and does a “lyrical” routine. The judges say she’s a good dance, but she’s not feeling the music and in general give her some really great feedback that she needs to hear, because Abby’s not gonna give it to her.
Outside, Cathy keeps making pointed comments and after Abby asks how many dancers from Candy Apples have come to NYC, Cathy looks right at her and explains that she’s had dancers in the summer program every summer, and doesn’t have the patience to count or give shit, and then starts eating some pizza. Everyone starts arguing and bitching at each other, so much that the judges stop the class, and come out to tell the moms to act with more decorum. The judge then goes back to teaching, but tells the girls to never act like what’s going on outside. Good advice. Also, this is a ballet audition. Why is Justice wearing pants? He should be in black tights. And the auditions over.
In New Jersey, we start out with some group doing a Cats inspired number and I gag. Backstage, Maddie’s airbrushing her abs on. The Candy Apples are getting ready. The Abby Lee Miller group number is called “Hurt Them First” and is a very obvious rip off of the Cell Block Tango, even down to the music. It’s very gimmicky, and we see Cathy and Co laughing. Their number is more floaty and there’s a candle and whatever. Jump to awards. Abby’s group gets 10th place, which is devastating. What’s even worse is that the Candy Apples got 9th. Backstage, Cathy comes to gloat. Abby immediately starts crying and call Cathy Satan, and whines that her entire reputation is being ruined. Um, this whole show is ruining whatever reputation you had, lady. While this is going on, Joffrey calls Christi to inform her that they want to extend Chloe the scholarship for the summer program. Please! Get her out of Pittsburgh or at least out of the Abby Lee Miller Studio!! Holly’s cool about it, and I think she didn’t expect Nia to get it, though Maddie is VERY upset and starts to break down. Melissa’s no help and just starts acting like a bitch.
Solo time. Kendall’s doing her Queen of Hearts routine, and backstage is having problems with the costume. Meanwhile, Chloe has about 10 minutes to put her’s on, and Abby starts digging into how complicated the costume is, even though she’s the one who chose the whole thing. Maddie’s pissed.
Kendall’s solo is not bad, and the music’s very Pirates of the Caribbean done on a Casio keyboard. Her arms are kinda wonky, but she does some turns where she changes her spot, which is impressive.
Maddie’s solo, and it’s very cutsy and competition. Halfway through, she stops and runs off stage. Not even freezes, just bolts. Abby, of course, looks like she has no sympathy. Backstage, Maddie completely breaks down and it’s rather heartbreaking. Melissa comes in cussing and does absolutely nothing to comfort her daughter.
Chloe does her solo and is spot on.
Backstage, Abby comes in and starts crying too, and then gives Maddie a hug. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS BEEN SHOWN COMFORTING THIS KID. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!! Abby gives her some sort of advice, and ends with a “maybe they won’t be vultures” and doesn’t allow anyone to deal with Maddie. Bitch. Teenographer takes the girls back to the stage, while the moms stay to dish it out. Holly’s enraged and let’s Abby have it. Preach! Everything she says is directed, calm, but still seething with anger. It’s amazing. Abby doesn’t even have her usual comebacks.
In the awards, Kendall get’s 7th place, and Chloe gets 1st, but looks over this whole mess. You and me both, girl. Backstage, the moms go right back into Abby, since she didn’t bother to come up for awards. Abby tries to turn this into a spanking joke, but the moms aren’t having it. Finally Abby walks out. Holly says she’s lost so much respect for Abby. Lady, you actually have to HAVE some respect first, and Abby’s done nothing to even warrant that. It turns out that Abby’s left the building and is heading back to Pittsburgh and the moms come out to glare at her while she leaves. Abby’s crying and that’s where we end it. Let’s all get a drink.
