Celebrity Apprentice: Your Guidebook To Healthy Living

Last week on Apprentice: the teams had to make Crystal Light exciting and fun by throwing some kind of promotional party. Based on criteria I didn’t really understand, the executives liked the men’s shindig, so Unanimous won. After the usual boardroom blather, Patricia was fired. Who’s going to be set free – I mean fired – tonight?

For reasons unbeknownst to me, this show is three hours tonight.

After the boardroom, Dayana is very upset that Patricia was fired while Debbie reiterates that the women need to pull together. Sure. Clay presents his charity, the National Inclusion Project, with two checks totaling $50,000.

The next tasks involves creating a New York celebrity guidebook using the Toshiba Tablet. What exactly is a celebrity guidebook? I guess the team raising the most money wins, so it’s yet another fundraising task. I hate those tasks; they involve no any skill beyond going through your phone contact list. The ONLY silver lining in having to recap this mess is that – wait for it!! – Teresa is the PM!!  What God did I please?? Dee is the PM for the men. It’s not clear how the task being judged.

Forte sets about picking iconic NY locales to photograph for the guidebook, with team members posing in front of those locations. Aubrey snots that working with Teresa and Dayana is like working with two blondes acting as nuclear physicists. Why is she so cocky? Didn’t the women lose the last few tasks, and weren’t those tasks largely driven by Aubrey’s ideas? And again she’s mocking Dayana’s accent? After Forte gets their shots, they meet with the graphic designer.

Unanimous takes their pictures from top of Trump Tower. Seems like they’re trying to photograph specific Manhattan neighborhoods from the roof of a skyscraper.

Teresa, Aubrey and Dayana are headed to three more locations to shoot yet more pictures. Meanwhile, the graphic designer is back at the suite waiting to pretty up their shots and lay them out into the guidebook. They return to the suite really late and the graphic artist is like damn, you guys took a lot of pics. Debbie mentions that Forte has not designed signage for the kiosk, which Teresa immediately views as a set-up. I don’t really see Teresa driving the task, or delegating, or doing anything except looking very lost. Debbie and Aubrey go shopping for the kiosk.

Unanimous hits their cell phones to call their deep pocket contacts. Jay Leno tells Arsenio he will send a blank check.

Lisa bitches that pulling the task together always falls on her. She immediately shoots down Dayana’s idea about including subway directions in the book. It’s not an awful idea, but it’s wholly unrealistic given the tight time constraints. Lisa is tired of dealing with women who do nothing but look in the mirror, and maybe if those women develop some talent and a brain they’d be taken seriously. I feel for the poor graphic designer stuck working with them. Her eye-roll indicates that she is clearly over the drama.

The men set up shop near the Flatiron Building and try to scare passers-by into purchasing a guidebook for $5. Seriously, they’re yelling on the street for people to buy a guidebook from them. Over in Union Square, the women adopt a similar tactic. Most people are reacting exactly like I would  – sidestepping the insane people screaming on the street and going about their business.

Oddly, Michael Andretti – yes, the one fired weeks ago – stops by and purchases a book from Unanimous for $20,000.  The men rake in money from their deep pocket donors, and Jay Leno’s check is tooling around New York somewhere on a delivery truck. Arsenio’s worried since everyone else’s donors are coming through and he has yet to make money for the team.

Penn’s sidekick Teller shows up and gives the men $20,000.  The Blue Man Group shows up with a huge balloon filled with cash – $8,000, I believe. They proceed to make it rain in that bitch by popping the balloon, and the crowd goes crazy trying to grab the money. A fine idea, that.

The women start raking in large donations from their rich friends. Aubrey says she didn’t bring in as much cash as everyone, but she got the most people on the street to donate. Meanwhile, Teresa’s slimy husband shows up with checks from their friends totaling $20,000. Let’s hope they don’t turn out to be rubber checks, if you know what I mean.

Arsenio’s check from Jay Leno arrives seconds after the task ends – at least that’s what the editors want us to think – so he raised zero. Yikes.

For reasons yet again unbeknownst to me, Regis Philbin is judging this task. Only two hours and fifteen minutes to go!!!

In the boardroom, the women squabble as usual. Dayana says that people on her team don’t listen. Aubrey says that Dayana derails the team. Lisa declares that she drives the team and that she, along with Debbie and Aubrey, does all the work. Debbie questions Teresa’s leadership, stating that she did not delegate. Teresa and Debbie get into a shouting match, and Teresa defends herself by banging on the table and trashing Debbie’s outfit. Classy! Watching Teresa trying to put together a reasoned, articulate argument is truly painful. She is woefully out of her league. When you are outmatched by your fellow Apprenti, you’ve got problems.

Regis like the women’s book, so Toshiba will give Forte $35,000. They haven’t won yet, but – Advantage: Forte. We still don’t know who raised the most money. If the women lose, the men will get the $35,000, plus everything the women made.

After the men squabble about the Blue Man Group debacle, Dee admits that Arsenio made no money. The difference between the fundraising totals is $14. Can we get to the winner already?

Forte’s total is $162,855, including Toshiba’s contribution, while the men made $162,869. Unanimous wins! Dee’s charity is the March of Dimes, so he will donate $326,000 to them.

In the BR, Ivanka asks the obvious question – since Lisa wrote the copy for the book and raised the most cash, wasn’t she essentially the PM? Teresa’s non-sequitur reply is that Lisa was her right hand. Aubrey raised the least amount of money. Trumps asks what Teresa meant by saying that she had to babysit Debbie, and she replies that she told Debbie to take care of the printing.

Teresa said that she delegated and it’s not her fault if people don’t listen. Debbie replied there was no direction, and that she and Aubrey created all the visuals. Trump keeps returning to the fact that Aubrey raised the least amount of money. This should be a hint to Teresa that she should bring Aubrey into the boardroom. Debbie would fire Teresa, but Dayana was the weakest link regarding ideas. Dayana says that she offers ideas regularly. Debbie says Dayana’s ideas are not always focused on the task at hand. Teresa picks Debbie and Dayana back into the BR. So that Aubrey hint flew right over her head.

Trump asks why he shouldn’t fire Dayana, as it’s her third time in the boardroom. She recounts how much money she’s made for her team and for her charity.

Teresa continues proclaiming she shouldn’t have to babysit Debbie, and Debbie was in charge of printing, and it’s the seventh week, and I guess this is all tied to some larger point that I don’t understand. Teresa says she shouldn’t be fired because she delivers every week. Trump doesn’t care and wants to know why didn’t she bring Aubrey back? Teresa believes the team needs Aubrey going forward, and Trump reminds her that Teresa needs to worry about right NOW.

Debbie says that she offers creativity to her team. Dayana says she’s in the boardroom because she worked really hard and raised lots of money. Teresa again demonstrates her lack of understanding by saying it’s not just about the money. Yes, it is, you dingbat. He makes it very clear that, had Aubrey been in the BR, she likely would have been fired for raising the least amount of money. However, because Debbie raised the least among the three of them, she gets fired.  Debbie and Dayana hug, but Debbie refuses to hug Teresa. Debbie’s Electric Youth blue dress is way too short and tight. You’re not a teen pop star any more.

Dee fights with Aubrey, and Arsenio is happy that he’s not on her team. Meaning, of course, that a team shuffle is coming soon. Dee presents his winnings to March of Dimes. As always, this is the sweetest segment of the show.

I guess we have to suffer through another task. Before we learn the exciting details, Trump mixes the teams because the women are down in numbers, having lost five of the last seven tasks. Teresa and Aubry go to Unanimous. Lou, Penn and Dee join Forte.

Next task: promoting Walk With Walgreens, a program designed to encourage people to walk thirty minutes a day. Teams must create a live interactive feature and a new design for the membership kit. Brand messaging and overall presentation may be important as well. Lou is the Unanimous PM and Arsenio is the Forte PM.

At Forte, Lisa suggests trying the men’s’ style, since clearly the women’s approach has not worked thus far. The Walgreens executives explain that their focus is promoting health. The membership kit is a small white box, for which each team must create a new design.

Unanimous’ brainstorms. As usual, Aubrey takes the lead in suggesting an approach. Since her approach has failed them on several tasks, you’d think she’d fall back a bit, but no. Arsenio takes the novel, measured approach of listening to what the execs want first. The execs reiterate their vision to Unanimous before Aubrey hogs the meeting and tells the execs what they’re looking for. So, that happened.

I fast-forwarded right past that Walk With Walgreens commercial. Yes, I did.

As Forte brainstorms, Penn suggests highlighting all the things one can do while walking. Lisa identifies Penn as the smartest person on the team and says Lou isn’t PM’ing very effectively. As Penn makes additional suggestions, Lou shuts him down. Because Lou is incredibly insecure.

Unanimous decides to do a game show hosted by Arsenio. Aubrey suggests placing each team member’s photo on the boxes. Under each picture will be a testimonial quote describing the benefits of walking. Aubrey cattily suggests that Arsenio can be the person who walked away from the industry. She harps on this idea, even though Arsenio is clearly offended and hurt.  Off they go to take pictures.

Penn will script Forte’s presentation. He has to leave that afternoon for a gig, but he’ll be back tomorrow. Lisa is very sad to see the idea guy leave. When Donald Jr. stops by Forte to see their progress, Dee chats up Dayana’s smarts and maturity to Don. It’s tearing Lisa apart.

Aubrey is selecting the team Unanimous photos for the boxes. Eric stops by to check on them. I think the same poor graphic designed stuck with the women in the last task is in the room here. Aubrey explains the concept to Eric, who is taken aback at how she seems to be taking over the task.

Forte’s slogan is “Walk and Do It All.” Lisa records everything one can do while walking, while Dee rattles off a list of suggestions. They are rehearsing their spot and Lisa is trying to keep Lou on script. Again, she’s bitching about being stuck with morons. Over at Unanimous, Aubrey won’t allow Arsenio to select his photo for the box. She suggests it’s too bad if Arsenio doesn’t like his pic, because those wrinkles aren’t going anywhere and he needs to deal with it.

Dayana and Lou go shopping for a swimsuit for her. Something to do with the presentation, I suppose. Lisa tells Dee that the two of them, together with Penn, have carried the whole team and Dayana doesn’t come up with any ideas. He disputes Lisa’s characterization of Dayana as stupid. Lisa spends lots of time needlessly hating on Dayana, and it’s becoming painfully obvious that her attacks on Dayana are based on jealousy.

Penn returns to join Forte for their presentation, judged by Walgreens executives and a past winner from the Biggest Loser. Lisa says Lou’s monologue was good because he stuck to the script. During the presentation, Penn accidentally referred to Walgreens as WalMart. Yikes! Dayana stepped up and did a very nice save. And in what is becoming a weekly “Deep Thoughts by Jack ” segment, Lou voices over that he gave 110%. The execs enjoyed Lou’s opening setup.

At the Unanimous’ presentation, Aubrey approaches the execs and shows them the team’s box. Arsenio takes the stage to start the game show. He spins a wheel and asks each team member a true/false question about walking. Paul gives a heartfelt, personal account on how walking has benefitted him. Each member takes a turn discussing the benefits of walking.

The execs mull the pros/cons. Of course they have a tough decision to pretend to make that they must discuss with Trump.

We are in the BR. Again. Lisa bashes Lou’s PM turn basically says that she, Penn and Dee carried this task. I’m won’t detail all the Trump-baiting, but Eric asks Arsenio whether Aubrey was a tad overbearing. Arsenio gives an extremely diplomatic answer.

Unanimous thinks Forte’s box is boring. Lisa thinks Unanimous’ box is designed nicely and that their quotes are a great idea. Arsenio becomes very defensive when Aubrey suggests that she wrote all the quotes. Arsenio and Clay say that Aubrey is not a team player.

Sadly, I can’t fast forward through the latest M&M’s commercial.

The execs liked Unanimous’ energetic presentation, repetition of Walgreens, the design. But the game show was too factually heavy and didn’t motivate the audience to go out and walk.

Arsenio calls out Aubrey’s huge ego and paints an excellent picture of her all-about-me attitude. And again, another team falls for Trump’s baiting before they even know who lost the task. There is much yelling from Arsenio and now Aubrey is tearing up because her widdle fee fees are hurt. Trump basically tells her to stop crying for no reason.

The execs liked Lou’s heartfelt, relevant testimonial. The negative, obvs, was Penn saying “WalMart” instead of “Walgreens.” Plus, they disliked the inclusion of negative words – itching, scratching – to describe things one can do while walking as it detracted from the brand.

After almost half hour, we learn that Unanimous wins. Arsenio’s charity is the Magic Johnson Foundation. Arsenio cries. Leaving the BR, Aubrey cries and boards the elevator, denouncing the negative unhealthy atmosphere. Did she think the cameras would follow her? Because they didn’t.

We get a Walk With Walgreens commercial featuring Arsenio. Please, just end this already. Arsenio continues being emotional, and we learn that he’s thinking of his cousin who died of AIDS. He says his win is for her.

In the boardroom, Lou mentions that he gave 110%. Twice. Even Don Jr. is getting tired of this broken record. Mostly everyone thinks Lou should be fired. Of course, Lisa thinks Dayana should come back into the BR. Lou chooses to bring Dayana and Dee back. Trump asks why Dayana instead of Penn, who called Walgreens WalMart at the presentation. Meanwhile, Aubrey hasn’t returned to Unanimous. Geez, she’s an annoying little drama queen. Arsenio is getting angry all over again, and Teresa is afraid of the angry black man.

Trump questions why people keep bringing Dayana back in the BR.  If he didn’t want to make her future ex-wife #8, she’d be gone by now. This is at least her third trip there, no? Lou shouldn’t be fired because he gave his all. Trump is mad that Lou didn’t bring Penn back. Trump notes that Lou’s recurring theme that everyone is out to get him, then fires Dee because the execs hated the box design and he was responsible for that. Wait a minute, Dee just won his task! Doesn’t that count for something? That’s some bullshit right there. But bullshit and Trump are kind of like Hostess and kids: They go together. Dee hugs both Dayana and Lou. Aubrey is still missing in action, and with any luck she’ll stay gone.

I have no idea what’s coming up for next week because I fled as soon as the show was over. I caught Dee advising the team to stop propping up Lou. Good idea.

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