“Colored girl, why yo base look like chalk?” Well played, Milan. A funny spin on Ru’s lyrics is a light and memorable way to exit the show. You’re the first one to do this right. Chad said she loved Milan, that she was class act. For the most part, yes. I’m still disappointed that Milan didn’t compete as strongly as it seemed she would. Willam asks Jiggly if she thinks she’ll win the show. Crickets. Oookay then. Hit the jump, and let’s dish.
You’ve Got She-Mail & Mini Challenge
RuPaul appears on screen makes all kinds of references to newspapers, magazines, and digital media. Hm. What does she have in store exactly?
For the mini challenge, it’s time to read some bitches! The library is open!
DiDa makes a pregnancy joke about Jiggly, says Sharon smells and makes fun of Latrice’s prison yard sandals. A couple of good digs. B for Miss DiDa Ritz. Jiggly talks about DiDa’s ashy elbows and knees and tells Chad it’s Forever 21, not Forever 41. She was alright. B- for Ms. Caliente. Phi Phi makes a Jujubee joke and then tells Willam she’s talented at buying shoes, but is she talented at Drag? She tells Sharon she likes how she rocks the Party City. (Sharon, always ready with a comeback, shoots back: “That’s where I got your Lady Gaga wig.”) D for Phi Phi. She got the Jujubee joke from Willam, which was used back in the wrestling episode, and really? You’re going to use the Party City joke again? Get some new material, you lazy twunt.
Willam says to Phi Phi: “You catch the camera’s eye from the right, but from the left you snag it.” Heh. Willam is funny as always. A for Miss Willam. Chad calls Willam “Scary Bradshaw” and gets in some other good jokes. A Ms. Michaels. Latrice congratulates Willam on her new role as The Big Bad Wolf, “by the hair on your chinny chin chin,” and overall just really brought the funny. A for Miss Latrice Royale! Sharon says to Jiggly: “You’re such a fat slut, after sex you smoke hams.” She asks Phi Phi if she buys her makeup from Sherwin Williams. A for Ms. Needles, who always has a killer one liner in the chamber. Latrice is named the winner.
Main Challenge
“I need you to conquer the world of publishing,” Ru tells the queens. They’re launching their own “dragazines.” They’ll each be assigned a title, and then they have to create a cover and make it their own. As winner of the mini challenge, Latrice gets to assign magazine titles to all the queens. Here’s how it broke down:
Chad Michaels: Eleganza (a fashion mag)
DiDa Ritz: Tastes like Chicken (nom nom)
Sharon Needles: Kitty Cats (pussy all the time)
Latrice Royale: What’s the T? (celeb gossip)
Willam: Sugar Walls (interior design)
Jiggly Caliente: Battle of the Bulge (fitness)
Phi Phi O’Hara: Sashay Away (Al and Chuck dot travel)
DiDa says the challenge is going to separate the intellectuals from the non-intellectuals. Cut to Jiggly eating candy bars and not doing much work. Jiggly thinks she wants to handle the challenge in a serious manner. Chad rather strongly recommends comedy. Phi Phi says she should take it seriously and isn’t shy about immediately telling Willam she make that recommendation because she wants Jiggly to go home. DiDa is talking about over-salting food or something? She thinks it could be offensive to have a black person on the cover of a magazine about chicken, and then she goes on to say she won’t eat chicken or watermelon in public because people are ignorant. Uh. Whut? Latrice says “5 Gs please!” Thank you, Latrice. You always ground me.
Ru visits the workroom. She’s concerned DiDa’s personality is not coming through. Ru thinks Phi Phi is headed for another Lady Gaga/Snatch Game-like disaster, but Phi Phi of course is cocksure of herself. Willam prefers the title “Editor in Queef.” Ru recommends Jiggly be funny, but Jiggly says she’s sticking to her guns. Oh Jiggly, don’t stick to them guns, gworl. You about to shoot yo self!
Ru tells the queens that Pam Tillis and Regina King are the guest judges this week. It is not at all surprising when Willam tells us she’s been on Southland with Ms. King.
Jonathon Clay Harris, looking suspiciously like a porn star who now has a photography hobby, will be shooting the queens’ covers. DiDa’s photo shoot is awkward. “Work that chicken,” Harris coaxes. Uh. No. Sharon tries to climb on the kitty tree-house, but a producer offscreen says she can’t do it. Instead she sits in a chair showing off her legs. Sharon says she gave the camera “pure cunt face.” Jiggly looks like an bridge and tunnel girl, not a drag queen. I could easily picture her running to catch the F train at Sutphin Boulevard. I don’t what.
It’s always nice to see Shawn Morales and his bulge, and he got a lot of screen time during these shoots. Praise be. Chad looks awesome in her 40s getup and says she feels it’s kind of a nod to Veronica Lake. Phi Phi looks like an over the hill Miami hooker. Latrice has fun with the pit crew boy toys. Willam is…completely naked and put lampshades on the pit crew guys’ heads. Ha! Okay.
Main Stage
As they prepare to walk the runway we hear Willam say they’ve been instructed to dress in their best “glossy glamor looks.”
The judges are Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, Pam Tillis and Regina King.
Sharon Needles: She looks good, again proving that she can be glamorous and fishy and still maintain that spooky essence of hers.
DiDa Ritz: Her dress is pretty nice for once. It doesn’t look like she picked it up at Wal-Mart anyway. Her makeup and hair seem to have taken a step back this week. She does a weird zigzag on the catwalk. “It’s a strategic walk so a sniper can’t hit her,” Ru says.
Chad Michaels: She went with an inspired 80s rock chick look. Well done as always.
Latrice Royale: “Yes, honey, this is a two page spread,” says Santino. She looks good, but I get more of a dinner party feeling than “glossy glamor.” Let’s just say she has looked more glamorous.
Willam: She looks very much like a cute, young starlet, one who plays at being innocent but definitely knows how to party. Ain’t that right, Miss Willam?
Jiggly Caliente: “Build me up, buttercup,” one of the judges says. Haven’t we seen this dress before? Does it even matter? “Glossy glamor” and “Jiggly Caliente” are diametrically opposed. She looks like a Peep.
Phi Phi O’Hara: Her makeup is nasty again! She has them white rings around her eyes and she’s looking like a chola Tammy Faye hooker. Damn, I hate this bitch’s look.
Best Main Stage One Liner: Michelle Visage on Sharon Needle: “Possessed Jackie Collins.”
Phi Phi wins, but as Regina King points out: did Phi Phi actually do that well or is it just that the other queens did so poorly? It’s definitely the latter, and I think Sharon should have won. Sharon’s cover was funny.
Lip-Synch for your Life
Jiggly and Willam are in the bottom and must lip-synch some Pam Tillis if they want to stay in the competition.
Willam really performs the song and gets into it, even flashing the judges because bitch has no panties on. Jiggly seems kinda desperate and is only standing in one spot. Uh oh, did she become a pointer sister? Kind of. It’s not a surprise when Jiggly is told to sashay away. Willam is safe. Highs and lows, Willam! One week you’re the winner. Next week your lip-synching. It’s time to send DiDa Ritz and Phi Phi O’Hara packing!
Untucked
All seven go to the Interior Illusions Lounge. They congratulate Phi Phi on her win. “Let’s talk about Willam’s beard,” Sharon says. Willam is defiant about having a five o’clock shadow, but the other queens seem to be in agreement that she has an issue and needs to do something about it. Sharon says she has to wear pancake makeup, not just expensive lady concealer. Ru appears on the TV and sends them into the Gold Bar.
The note card inside the big pink box reads: “It takes 100 photographs to get the cover. What happens to the other 99?” The queens get to see some of the outtakes. They’re all pretty funny.
Back in the Interior Illusions Lounge, there’s another Jiggly Caliente confrontation, screaming and shouting, and DiDa tries to get real with Ms. Caliente. But there’s also lots of double talk, especially from Phi Phi O’Hara, who is a terrible person.
C.U.N.T. and C U Next Tuesday
Honestly I didn’t think this was a standout week for anyone, except in the C U Next Tuesday category. Ahem. But anyway:
Charisma: Latrice Royale, for her entertaining reading during the mini challenge.
Uniqueness: Sharon Needles, because who else would you call unique in this competition?
Nerve: Willam, for flashing her junk all over the damn place. Crazy betch!
Talent: …I’m leaving this category empty this week.
C U Next Tuesday: Phi Phi O’Hara. Two-faced liar. Chola Tammy Faye hooker. Bitter, angry, ugly, nasty, vapid, self-absorbed oozing sore of a human being. If this cunt wins, we all lose.
