Previously on Dance Moms! Holly flipped out and got expelled (but not really). Paige had a medical emergency and the doctor told her she might not be able to dance again! (Not really) Kendall danced with Skee-lo! (Not really, but close) What’s gonna happen next?! Join me after the jump!
After mentioning a little about Miami, Abby unveils her Pyramid of Shame. Nia’s the first out of the gate, because she choked on stage. Abby gives us some crap about how her heart stopped and she tries to spin it as if she was so concerned for Nia’s mental health, but in reality she’s pissed that Nia might have made her look bad. Chips can do better and we finish of with Brooke. Chloe starts us off on the second tier, because, why not? Paige is also in the middle because she worked through her pain after having her warts removed, which has given her Farrah Faucet hair for no reason. Maddie’s on top because this show works with a formula and refuses to let it go. The group number is going to have something to do with homeless children, because… well, I really have no idea why, but it’s something about raising awareness about all those homeless children hanging out in the dance competition world. Maddie’s the only one doing a solo and Nia’s in the trio. Only, it’s presented as ABBY’S DOING SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT and the only thing different is Nia. Now to prep for Chicago!
Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms talk about the dance and are happy that they aren’t going to have to bedazzle thongs or something like that. Melissa brings up Holly, who’s in a good mood and it gets better when she finds that Nia’s finally in the trio. Holly’s also excited/nervous because she’s just decided to take a year off of work to spend more time with her children and family. Kelli says that it’s not so easy and Christi jibes that it would be if they drank less. I want these two women to have their own show, with Holly showing up every now and then, like Mr. McFeeley to their drunk and giggling Mr. Rogers.
At Candy Apples, we find that Cathy’s also going to Chicago, and has decided to do a clown number. Now, before I change the channel, she explains that this is going to be a dark clown number. Because that’s gonna make it so much better. The mom apples twitter nervously.
Abby thinks that her plan this week is fail-proof and that she’d better hear no more complaining. Only, she’s doing all this to Teenographer, who looks like she needs an adult. Abby talks about how Nia’s not that good, and that Melissa feels that she’s being picked on, something which either hasn’t been shown, or is more Melissa and Abby acting crazy. I’m going with the latter.
Speaking of Jill, she’s having lunch with that other bastion of sanity, Jill, because they can both sit around and complain about how the world is out to get them. Jill asks about Melissa’s engagement, and Melissa is totally ok with this and has a decent conversation about how she feels. Keep this in mind for later.
During rehearsal, Abby complains that most of the other girls in the competition have weeks and weeks to practice their numbers. And who’s fault is that, lady? Up in the DMPAL, the moms notice that Melissa’s not wearing her ring and start asking her questions. (Note, here’s what I think, this seems like cold feet. I have a feeling that if she was REALLY excited to get married, she would be wearing her ring under everyone’s nose. But that’s just my nonprofessional two cents) Anyway, the moms make a few jokes and have a few laughs and suddenly Melissa snaps. Like seriously. She starts freaking out and runs downstairs screaming “They’re doing it again!” before bursting into the dance studio to pull Maddie and Chips from the dancing at the competition. Abby starts blaming the moms and saying that this is all their fault. Maddie’s in the corner crying and Melissa is storming out the door calling her fiancé and telling him to contact his lawyers. After everything settles, Abby berates the GIRLS and tells them to brow beat their moms for being such interfering bitches. Way to fight someone else’s battles in the most disgusting way, lady! She tells everyone that there’s two things you don’t talk about, marriage and divorce. I think she’s getting her metaphors mixed up.
As the moms are gathering downstairs, on what I’m assuming is the next day, Melissa comes back as if nothing happened. Abby’s super nice to her, and the moms make a point that no one else would get the same sort of treatment. Abby ignores them and launches into a screed about how these kids are super fortunate and need to learn things about the homeless. Up in the DMPAL, Melissa acts as if nothing happened and starts telling everyone about her lunch with Jill. Ok, this is total arm chair psychiatrist, but could Melissa be Axis II? Or is this the producers trying to make her into the crazy bitch?
We’re off to Chicago, and Abby talks up how professional the stage is and keeps talking down the girls while they’re getting ready. This might be why some of your dancers freeze on stage and worry about pleasing you when they slip and fall. Way to go, lady. Abby’s also scared because Mini Carrot Top will be competing against Maddie and . . . well, we haven’t seen much of him. Yes, boys have an easier time, but still, what we have seen isn’t that good.
Maddie comes out doing this Snow White dance thing that really has very little to deal with Snow White. It’s call Reflection, and my pedantic side immediately brings up the fact that Snow White never looked into a mirror. That was the Queen, but whatever. It’s the same choreography we see week after week after week. Run, run, grand jete, run run walk over, back flip, smize, roll on the floor. Mini Carrot Top comes out and isn’t bad and has really good extension, but his musicality is lacking. However, that’s a common thing in dance, especially competition dance and especially with boys.
The trio’s done to some group that’s really trying to revive Rhythm Nation, but in a total Kidz Bop way. It’s not bad, though Nia’s not as good as the rest of them. Christi points out that Abby probably set this up, ignored the trio and then can say that Nia failed and will never put her in again. During the awards, Maddie gets first place, because duh, and the trio doesn’t place. Nia’s face completely falls, as if she knows what’s up.
Meanwhile, the moms are having lunch without Melissa and it turns out that they’ve all received cease and desist letters from Melissa. She wants them to stop talking about her life. I’m not a lawyer, but this somehow rubs me wrong. Lawyers, can you send out a letter over that? Does the recipient have any requirement to stop? Melissa joins the group and acts like she doesn’t know what’s going on. She says that she didn’t send it, but she says it in a way that shows that she’s perfectly aware of what’s going on, but wants to imply that she doesn’t. Bitch.
Group numbers!! The homeless dance is good but I still don’t get it. Candy Apple’s clown dance is Britney Spears meets Cirque du Soliel’s Branson trailer park edition. It’s a hot mess, and I LURV it. In the middle of the dance, Taylor (like we’re supposed to know who she is) crawls off the stage, and Cathy runs backstage to find out what’s going on. We cut to Kendall, who’s very deadpan about “oh. Poor [insert name here]. That must really suck.” Taylor (who?) can’t move her ankle. Cathy’s much more compassionate then we’ve ever seen Abby to be to any of her students. I can’t tell if her crazy obsession with Abby is a TV thing or a real thing. Jill can barely contain her glee and I’m starting to get a The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom (which, I didn’t realize had Swoozie Kurtz in it. Guess what’s going on Netflix!!!). Afterwards, homeless girls gets third place, and Abby‘s ok with that because Cathy didn’t place at all.
Backstage, Cathy brings in an engagement present for Melissa. At which, Melissa goes into psycho mode and starts screaming again and storms out. Cathy stands there looking confused, and for once, doesn’t know what to say. You and me both, girl.
Next time! Someone twists their ankle! Someone talks about boob jobs! Chloe chokes!
