Last time on the Celebrity Apprentice, the gang had to make a video about mops. No, I’m not going to call it viral, because it wasn’t, unless we’re talking viral like strep. Clay boiled over and lashed out at Penn, for reasons we’re not really sure of, and the ladies bitched at each other behind their backs, causing them to loose. In the end, Tia went home. I know you’re thrilled. Spoilers after the jump!
The ladies come out of the board room and they’re still sniping at each other. Teresa’s upset because someone called her slow, and then she proceeds to show us why someone might get that impression. “Anyone who knows me knows . . . I’m not. . . I’m the opposite of slow!!!” Lisa really wants Patricia and Dayanna to go, and we cue the opening credits, which I’ve never really watched before. There’s a quick shot of Ivanka and the Trumpspawn looking intense and it cracks me up.
After the break, we come back to Lou giving his check to an organization that researches muscular dystrophy. They’re front man is a little girl, and they’re meeting in Central Park. This all looks very “Mrs. Norris tried to cry” and the set-up is there, but everything is still way too shiny and scripted, and goes on way too long.
We catch up with everyone on top of some roof, I’m guessing Trump Tower, and Trump gives some grandiose speech about NYC being the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, before introducing this week’s challenge. Promotional parties for the new Crystal Light Mocktails. Crystal Light. Crystal Light?! What is this, 1992? I wonder if it still comes in those tubes with the little tubs. I’m sure your mom can answer this question for me. The two reps from Crystal Light are a tall woman and short nerdy guy. Tall Lady gives a speech about the new Crystal Light line, and all I have to say is “Read that cue card, lady!” Nerdy Guy has some criteria about showcasing the drinks’ Creativity, Uniqueness, Nerve and Tastiness, before Trump steps in and demands project leaders. Since Clay’s the only gay left, he steps up to take one for the team. We see a mini-scuffle brew among Aubrey and Teresa, before Aubrey, who’s dyed her hair using Crystal Light, takes over, and gives a big speech about how Crystal Light has helped her to not be a fat person. Clay think that Aubrey might be a serious contender in this because she “popped right out of her momma’s chotch and started grabbin’ onto a stripper pole.” I really MUST find a way to use that line in a conversation today.
The flavors are Peach Bellini, which the boys take, and Pomtini, which the girls take. In the van, the boy sit around and wonder who throws the best parties. But then it turns out that none of them have BEEN to a good party, and they all kind of sit around staring into the air.
The girls are in their space drinking Crystal Light and brainstorming for ideas. When “forbidden fruit” comes up, Aubrey actually shows some smarts by pointing out that we don’t know what the actual fruit was, but our culture has decided it was an apple, but others view it as a pomegranate. By the way, Aubrey’s hair totally looks like a magenta stegosaurus is sitting on her head. The reps tell them they need to highlight the fact that the drink is “Sassy, Vibrant and Fun.” Welcome to marketing, folks.
The boys are at a loss of what to do. The reps talk about great parties and how you remember some and they want this to be like that. Yeah. Because everyone wants to go to a Crystal Light party, and everyone LOVES promotional events. They come up with a Beach Party USA sort of theme. I know where they can get some dancers.
Teresa talks about how she always throws parties and all of her friends tell her that she has “exquisite taste.” Case in point. Aubrey decides to utilize her exquisite taste to help set the party up. Debbie’s going to sing a Crystal Light song, which Aubrey says she did just so we wouldn’t have to hear her pitch a Debbie Gibson’s greatest hits concert to go with the launch party. Lisa makes fun of Patricia, and sticks with Patricia’s ethnicity. Keep it classy, lady.
The guys settle on “Life’s a bpeach.” I can’t tell if I like it or not. Penn and Arsenio go shopping and Clay prays for Arsenio to keep Penn distracted all day. Paul’s talking something about a tiki bar, and I die on the inside, just a tad. Dee does graphics and everyone’s on their phones calling their hottest friends to come over and get as naked and legally allowed. Ivanka comes in and finds out that Dee Snyder has never done any drugs, and the rest of the team are fairly straight laced as well. I’m shocked as well, and wonder if this is like how some guys refuse to admit that they masturbate, even though everyone does it.
Trumpspawn shows up for the girls, and Aubrey says that she has a little crush on him. EW. Just no. Think of the bad hair decisions that child would make. Trumpspawn says that the ladies have a solid concept but are missing the “fun” aspect of the word “party.” We find that Teresa isn’t sold on the motto, because it mentions stirring and we’re not selling stirrers. Quick as a bunny, that one. To go with their “modern Garden of Eden” theme, Dayanna and Debbie are in Madison Square Park, which is really green for winter. Debbie’s working on her song, and Aubrey makes another jab.
The boys are setting up the beach set, and Clay brings in his music producer to help mix a few songs. Arsenio shows himself to be a Claymate, and starts to gush about Clay’s amazing and wonderful voice.
Debbie and Dayanna are in the recording studio, and Dayanna’s loving the song. At first, I thought she was joking, but apparently she’s not. Huh.
The guys have 5 minutes to the end of the day, but nothing’s set up, and Clay’s freaking out. This explains why everyone’s sitting around eating take out Chinese. During the commercial break, I find out that Whitney is still on. Huh.
Morning of, the girls are getting their party ready. Teresa’s totally in her “Social Director” groove and directing workers with her bedazzled phone. Aubrey finds that Patricia didn’t put the Crystal Light logo on anything, and Aubrey’s starting to simmer.
At the boys’ team, the signs didn’t turn out as well as Clay wanted, and we get a lovely montage of Lou and Paul and their manly burly huge hands opening the teeny tiny umbrellas for the drinks, and often failing. At the girls’ team, Teresa’s popsicles are melting and everything looks like a mess for a minute, until it doesn’t and we’re really to go. I really like the bar that’s being held up by two fountains.
In the beginning, the boys’ party isn’t going to well. Everyone’s standing around, until the dial a friend people show up and someone takes his shirt off, which attracts the rest of the Claymates. Arsenio starts the blandest Soul Train this side of your family reunion, and then someone gets an idea to have a “Girls with big tits do limbo” game. Clay’s really impressed with how low some of the hot shirtless guys can go. I’ll be you are, big boy.
The ladies decided to have a snap cup, read by Lisa, which just sounds awful on so many levels. Dayanna invited a bunch of women in tiaras to come and they stand around smiling and snacking on air. Debbie sings her song, and it’s immediately stuck in everyone’s head. So much so that she and Aubrey pounce on some tragi-gays and make them sing the song back to them.
At Peach Party USA, Kathie Lee and Hoda have joined us. Boy, they’re going to be VERY disappointed that there’s no booze in these drinks. By the way, I’ve meet Hoda in person, and she’s great. Very nice, very personable, and I imagine she’d be great at parties. She’s also not impressed with the lack of alcohol in the cocktails, but the camera cuts away before she can make her opinion known. Arsenio makes Clay sing, again, while Cue Card Rep Lady has that smiley look that she can’t wait to go home and dive into her eating dress and a bottle of vodka.
The ladies get up and dance and sing Debbie’s annoying song and pass out promotional CDs to the crowd. The reps come out and say that the men needed more branding, and the women needed more messaging and I’m not sure what the difference is. We’ll find out who won after the break.
And by win, I mean, watch that annoying M&M commercial. Trump comes in and immediately flirts with Aubrey and then decides to avoid the sexual harassment charge by flirting with all the women. I don’t think that’s how it works, Comb Over. He then does that “Who would you fire?” thing and pokes at everyone’s answer for about 15 minutes. NO1CURRR Trump! This part of the show is pointless, annoying, and making me consider switching to Pan Am until the last 5 minutes!
Then we go through the same crap with the boys. 22 minutes and we still don’t have a winner. 30 minutes. The time ticks on. Please, keep talking. I love watching people bicker for not reason. It’s soooo entertaining, I might just stab someone. FINALLY, we find that the girls lost. Clay’s crying because he had to say nasty things about people, and didn’t really have to. I’m crying because I just wasted 30 minutes.
Aubrey’s pissed and starts crying, and it turns out that it’s because she worked so very hard and didn’t get any money for her charity. Trump’s heart softens at the site of her tears and donates 10K to Aubrey’s charity, which helps GLBT youth, so I’m happy. We’re back to more of the “Who should get fired?” routine, and Trump second guesses everyone’s answers to the point where no one can tell if they’re coming or going. 45 minutes in, and it’s Patricia, Dayanna and Aubrey. Aubrey breaks down and everyone talks over each other for about 10 more minutes. Once he’s given the cue that we only have 5 more minutes left, Trump decides to fire Patricia, and even though I like her, I’m just glad this episode is over. As she’s walking out, Trump voices over that he can’t understand how they’ll fight like that, and then be besties the next minute. I think we know a lot about your track record with women, Trump, and that implies you don’t know much about them. The episode ends, and I’m craving a Crystal Light.
