So, for some reason no one has been able to explain, they’ve decided to launch another Spider-Man franchise exactly five years after the last one puttered around, dangled in our consciousness for exactly one summer, was deemed substandard, and went to live out the rest of its days in the $3.99 DVD bin at an FYE in some mall in Paramus, NJ.
Now that that’s over. We’ve got a new Spidey! While Tobey Maguire is living somewhere under a bridge contemplating where it all went wrong, which we can probably pin-point was when they told him to do a little awkward overbite/tight arms locked in at the armpits dance in the last movie to epic hilarity — the new Spidey, starring British face Andrew Garfield, has descended the character into emo angst, edgy, pseudo-grit. Oh, yes. New Spidey is troubled and introverted. No swaggering James Franco, or tall wooden plank from which words emanate, best friend for this Spider-Man. No, sir. This kid looks like instead of Peter he’s affected some abbreviation like P-Real which is short for Kid Who Slinks Around in Hoodies And May Have a Pipe Bomb in His Locker. Really? This is who Peter Parker is now?! Punt. At any rate, this is some sort of origin story, for whatever that’s worth. Which just means “We didn’t want to tread where we’ve already been before because that last thing sucked, so we’re going to base this kinda loosely on the original, which is really a cover for saying that we wanted a new movie! Yay! We’re Smart!” Here! Take your new conflicted Spider-Man with his issues and his drama.
Petey P-Real now has long lost or long dead parents, a new love interest in a blonde Emma Stone, and a new villain — some lizard guy, because Octopi, Sandmen, and Goblins are so early 2000’s, and what’s a superhero movie without an evil lizard? This is probably a no-brainer. Of all things in the animal kingdom, it’s the lizards that make us get the shotgun.
This movie looks like it’ll need something, no? It could be a big mistake making a film that seems so very close to the original franchise. It seems that all they’ve really done is make Parker skinnier, more conflicted, and, yes, more than a bit like a douche in dweeb clothing. Yeah, that may not be enough to carry a whole new story. Emma Stone better be darn funny and charming!
