The New York Giants and New England Patriots are squaring off in a rematch of one of the most thrilling Super Bowls in NFL history. Television ratings and fan interest thanks to the presence of two large media markets should be sky high.
But for millions of Americans, the Super Bowl is another reminder that their favorite team in fact sucks (hi Vikings fans!) or will eventually be moved to California (hi Vikings fans!) or that their 15-1 team with a legendary offense failed miserably in the playoffs (hi Packers fans, kindly burn in hell). And there are even more people who don’t care much for football or sports in general. But fear not weirdos, you can still enjoy yourself during this six hour spectacle. If there’s one thing we as a country love doing more than rooting for muscular men in tight pants it’s hating on everything. Here’s a quick rundown of things you should make snide comments about in your best “This is beneath me and you are all pathetic trogolodytes” voice:
The unparalleled annoyance of both fanbases: Hey, did you guys know that New York City is home to a lot of people? I know that because people from New York tell me they’re from New York all the time! It’s one thing to hear this nonsense from Yankees fans because their team is dominant on an annual basis. The Giants? Every season it’s another round of “The players quit on their coach” before some random switch is flipped on and they go on a dynamic playoff run only to miss it by one game. Yet the fans act like they’re rooting for the 1985 Bears. Shut up Giants fans, you were calling into WFAN a month ago probably suggesting your team trade Jason Pierre-Paul for Albert Pujols. Also, because they hail from New York (except the stadium is in Jersey but whatever) that means no matter where you watch the game there will be at least five people with no connection to the NYC metropolitan area that consider themselves Giants fans. I like to call these people “shitwagons” because they are awful human beings. Also, more exposure for NY sports teams means I have to see Mayor Bloomberg’s face and my god it’s hideous. At least the Knicks suck.
And let’s not forget Patriots fans! Oh, those legendary members of Patriots Nation, also known as people who were too hungover from baseball to care about the NFL for most of the 20th century. It’s easy to be jealous of the Pats, they’re a fantastic franchise with tons of money and a great front office with a knack for finding talent. On the other hand, they’re a bunch of cheating bastards who are also dumb enough to get caught cheating even though every team in the league cheats. You’d think a bunch of guys taking orders from a Sith Lord would be smarter but then again the Galactic Empire was pretty poorly run. Also, there’s something off with Tom Brady. It might have something to do with him having a superior life than mine.
Unbridled pro-America sentiment: No one has ever accurately explained why sporting events are such a magnet for over-the-top patriotism. Maybe it’s because people identify so much with a league governed with an iron fist that cracks down on the players union and refuses to extend health care benefits to retired players who are now dying from debilitating brain injuries? Either that or people like planes flying over stadiums.
The Halftime show: It’s always terrible Madonna hasn’t been relevant since she dated Dennis Rodman. Nicki Minaj might perform and isn’t she the coolest with her facial expressions and tight pants and really underwhelming music?
NBC: The game is being broadcast on a network that can no longer beat re-runs of The Big Bang Theory on a weeknight. More people will watch this game than will ever turn to NBC in 1,000 years.
Bob Costas: He is an insufferable jerkwad and has the most punchable face ever. If you ever see Bob Costas, punch that dude.
Indianapolis: I’m somewhat pleased to see Indy host a Super Bowl because the thought of a bunch of slobbery sports journalists getting a free trip to Miami or San Diego is nauseating. But Indianapolis is dreadfully boring. It’s more like a small town that just never ends than an actual city. They do have Hinkle Fieldhouse, which is a great place to watch a basketball game.
