An old man wants to get his groove back by sexting his old girlfriend, Top Gun. Psychopaths can be bought for cheap, right? Single at 65, sure. Kardashian’s create another monster, and ABC breaks up with some dudes.
Gird your loins, the ones without Viagra, Hollywood has news for you…
King Hobbit of Scientology, Tom Cruise, thinks some lady, who’s obviously been napping since 1986, is hoping to be awakened by the likes of Cruise in a flight jacket saying some variation of “I feel the need for speed or circulation socks, or a shower seat, or Centrum Silver vitamins.” Yes, Cruise Control Alien Halfling, wants to make a sequel to Top Gun. Is this what middle aged actor syndrome is? Is this when you go back to all your hot rod movies and say, “Yeah, Goose and I will fly again.” while rubbing the nose of a plane, gently, reverently? Well, Mr. Bilbo Xenu Short Pants, Goose is dead, and so is this idea! Move on! Anyway, someone asked if he’d at least consider taking on a “mentor” role in the new installment to which Cruise incinerated the interviewer with a heat ray made of jalapeno peppers. [Washington Post]
Hey, before Christian Bale started using a goat’s vocal cords in all these Batman movies, he played a psychopath and was some sort of successful fiend. Well, since that movie is maturing into its pre-teens now (the year 2000 seems like exactly ten minutes ago. Y2K y’all!), some dude named Noble Jones would like to remake it at Walmart prices. Yes, he’d like to make a lower budget American Psycho, because we’d all like to see what he can do with three packs of cherry Kool Aid instead of expensive red corn syrup. This should be Ah-Mazing. He wants the movie to be “down and dirty” like Shaft with a steak knife. I dunno. Whatever, this seems like a waste of time, and you just know Bale will have some sort of mini rant about it. That at least should be entertaining. [Deadline]
Goldie Hawn could be in an HBO series called the Viagra Diaries! Yay! Created by Darren Star of Sex and the City! Boo! Urgh. This better not be some thing about Hormone Replacement Therapy, and having hot flash sex on a credenza while pursing botoxed lips and saying things like, “Oh, honey, you’ve never done it, until you’ve done it with me.” Because that would make me gag and then go watch Overboard until I pass out from a jean skirt and frizzy hair overload. At the moment it looks like Hawn will play a woman who after her husband has a “mid-life crisis” at 65 and leaves her, struggles with being single for the first time in 35 years. This could be awesome because we so missed Goldie, or it could make us want to throw camel spit at Darren Star for the last Sex and the City movie. [Deadline]
Speaking of Hobbits, the one who owns all of the various Kardashians, the blonde gnome, named Seacrest, is in serious talks to slide into Matt Lauer’s Today show chair once he exits at the end of next year. Is this what the world has come to now? Little reality show producing monsters crashing their way into our morning domain? A Seacrest Godzilla is a lot to handle before noon. I’m thinking it could cause some sort of widespread convulsions upon viewing. Probably every time he rolls his eyes or introduces yet another Kardashian robeast we’ll all temporarily stop synaptic firing. We’ll wake up feeling molested and a bit dehydrated since Seacrest entered our minds and made us record banal television programs on our DVRs while implanting memories of himself dressed as a clown riding a tricycle to our ultimate horror. This will probably be horrible. [Deadline]
ABC who has decided that it doesn’t really need some slop-crap show about dudes doing dude things in a dudely way have pulled the plug on stupid, burrito and cheese show Man Up. Mostly it seems because no one watched it. I’d say because a lot of America can watch this particular sitcom every night in their bedrooms when someone decides to play the dutch oven game or asks where the toe fungus cream is. There’s really no reason to make a whole sitcom out of this. It was really just an exercise in bro-dude futility. This is an outdated concept. Dude’s don’t need an introduction or an intervention, they already know what it’s like to be a dude, and women are mostly fine at letting them explore it on their own. So ABC you’ve helped no one with your experiments into the realm of bro-dude. Let’s go get a beer, and punch some guy in the junk. Experiments can become real. This is what the Matrix tells us. [Deadline]
