Hair wizard, and King Midas of the GOP, Donald Trump, has decided that since no one other than, emu oil, Rick Santorum, and Yertle, the Turtle impersonator, Newt Gingrich, wanted to come and play “Embarrass All Republicans Everywhere Forever” — that you know, he should step down from moderating that thing that would have surely won Obama re-election, and probably given him the best Christmas War Holiday present of any he could imagine.
This is probably a big move for someone so cripplingly egomaniacal as Trump to admit that no one, not even Rick Perry, anti-gay commercial shill, and confused mountain troll, wanted to come and ramble-speak in his presence. Or even Michelle Bachmann, who preened like a high-school girl with a head full of Aqua Net, when she got her blessed meeting with the real estate Republican self-appointed king maker. This is actually not the case.
Trump says that it’s not the lack of participants that have made his debate a comical self-fulfilling prophecy — oh, no, it’s because he thinks it will be a conflict when HE DECIDES TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT AS AN INDEPENDENT NEXT YEAR! There’s also some stuff in there about the reality show/sitcom Donald Kardashian runs called The Apprentice. We all care so much about The Apprentice. Heaven forbid he announce his decision to enroll in Clown College before his bloated ego of a crap trainwreck television show wraps next Spring.
The Republican Party candidates are very concerned that sometime after the final episode of The Apprentice, on May 20th, when the equal time provisions are no longer applicable to me, I will announce my candidacy for President of the United States as an Independent and that, unless I conclusively agree not to run as an Independent, they will not agree to attend or be a part of the Newsmax debate scheduled for December 27, 2011. It is very important to me that the right Republican candidate be chosen to defeat the failed and very destructive Obama Administration, but if that Republican, in my opinion, is not the right candidate, I am not willing to give up my right to run as an Independent candidate. Therefore, so that there is no conflict of interest within the Republican Party, I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate. The American people are embarrassed by the gridlock currently taking place in Washington. I must leave all of my options open because, above all else, we must make America great again!
I would like to thank Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum for having the courage, conviction, and confidence to immediately accept being a part of the Newsmax debate. I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!
So, that’s it folks. No Trump debate. That thing would have been epic! It would have gained the highest ratings of any show on television right now. It would have been the holiday season’s best gift! Really and truly I would have called it The Gingrich That Stole Christmas in commercial promos.
