Last fall, I was unemployed. I spent entire days in my (parents’) house, watching Criminal Minds marathons on A&E while eating popcorn and feeling fairly hopeless about my life. When I started having dreams in which Matthew Gray Gubler was saving my life by being a really adorable genius, I figured I needed another hobby, or at least something to occupy my brain before I required a serious Criminal Minds intervention. This is when I started baking.
I spent entire days researching recipes and making horrible messes in the kitchen. Eventually, I got to the point where I took challenges: “Make a chocolate fudge cake!” my dad requested for his birthday.
I mastered red velvet cake, carrot cake and even a ricotta cheesecake that started as milk. Did you know you can make ricotta cheese on the stove? Yeah, me neither.
So, when Thanksgiving arrived, I knew it was time to put my skills to the test. In my family, everything is an opportunity for competition, and I knew I could win big if I played my cards right. Pumpkin pie is a Thanksgiving staple, but one that, around here, was never given much consideration. Someone bought a pre-made pie crust (quelle horreur!) and dumped in some pumpkin goop from a can and stuck the whole mess in the oven. Everyone ate it dutifully, but never with much enthusiasm.
So, given my abundant free time and newfound baking prowess (and a competitive streak a mile wide,) I set out to create the perfect pumpkin pie. If you’re still looking for a way to outdo your family members round out today’s dinner, get thee to a grocery store (c’mon, you know you have to go anyway), pick up a pie pumpkin and a few other ingredients and follow my lead.
The first thing you’ll need is a pie pumpkin. They’re smaller than the kind you carve for Halloween and they’re all over grocery stores around now. When you get it home, wash it off in the sink and dry it with paper towels.
Now comes the hardest part: the manual labor. You need to cut that sucker open, which can be difficult. Using a sawing motion with a serrated knife, cut the pumpkin in half. It does not have to be pretty. Scoop out all the stringy pumpkin guts and the seeds. Every time you think you’ve gotten all the seeds there will be more hiding somewhere. Cut your pumpkin into fourths and arrange it cut-side down in a glass baking dish. By now your fingers will smell like pumpkin no matter how much you wash them. Cover the dish with aluminum foil and pop it in a 350-degree oven. Set the timer for 45 minutes. The time it takes to cook can really vary, so start checking at 45 and add more time if you have to. You’re looking for the pumpkin to be soft: you should be able to stick a fork through the whole thing without much resistance.
From here it’s pretty easy. After the pumpkin comes out of the oven, let it cool before you attempt to take the skin off. You should be able to just pinch the skin off (throw the skin away) and toss what’s left in a bowl. Mix it up using a stick blender, a food processor or a plain old hand mixer until it is a nice, even consistency — it will look a lot like baby food. You’ll need to measure about 3 cups of pureed pumpkin and combine it with the following ingredients:
- 1 cup sugar
- 1.5 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon ground cloves
- 1 teaspoon ground allspice
- 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 4 large eggs
- 18 ounces evaporated milk
You can use 3 teaspoons of pre-mixed “pumpkin pie spice,” if that’s easier. Mix all of this stuff together. I highly recommend using a blender or food processor with a lid – it will splash because it will be very thin and soupy and you will be afraid that you did something wrong. But have no fear, dear reader. You’re doing just fine. Depending on the size of your mixing bowl, you might have to mix in batches. Pour it into a pie crust, which, honestly, is the easiest thing in the world to make. If you can go through roasting a pumpkin for the sake of pie, you can make a pie crust. But since it is Thanksgiving, I won’t judge you (too much) if you choose to go store-bought instead. Bake it at 425 for the first fifteen minutes and then turn the oven down to 350 and bake for another 45-50 minutes or until a knife stuck in the center comes out clean.
Isn’t that nice? Your family is going to be so jealous impressed with you! Serve it with some whipped cream, or ice cream, or, if you’re a heathen like me, plain old Cool Whip. Happy Thanksgiving!
