It’s the penultimate episode of Project Runway this week, and you know what that means. Tim Gunn performs his annual mitzvah of visiting the homes of the designers who have been selected to prepare a collection that may or may not be shown at Fashion Week. Convoluted much? Yes, indeed. As always, there are spoilers inside, so click at your own risk!
As we zoom out on a red dotted line traveling down the east coast of the United States, Tim travels to Bug Tussle White Plains, Maryland to visit Kimberly Goodpants. Kimberly has got her suburban stylee goin’ on, walls painted with highly saturated colors and a different color in every room, very 1998. We are taken to her fashion dungeon lower-level work space and Lil Kim shows us some shiny metallics, some highly saturated colors (no, really?) and a collection of bracelets and earrings. Tim’s feedback is mildly positive, and tells Kimberly she needs more “wow.”
Next the red dotted line on the map takes a big arcing leap all the way to Trinidad and it’s planes, trains and automobiles (and boats) on the way to Enya. Miss Girl is all breezy about the energy of the ocean and living in an island paradise… until it comes time to show Tim what she’s done. Which is… nothing! Well, OK, she bought some fabrics and she made a Vision Board. Thanks to the ABC show “Happy Endings,” from now on, whenever anyone puts photos and words up on a board, it’s a Vision Board, and the Universe is Going To Make Things Happen. It’s Ah-MAH-zing. Tim asks Enya, hon, where’s ya stuff? What ya made? And Enya hums and haws and does a sprightly skeleton dance while Tim looks over his glasses at her, disapprovingly. Shenanigans exposed, Enya admits she got nothin. Nothin! Tim hauls his handsome ass all the way to freakin Trinidad and she got nothin. Enya, you got some splaining to do.
Mildly upset, Tim’s red dotted line travels back to The Big Apple, where he visits Smeagol. Smeagol is using his dead brother as inspiration, and we the home viewers are treated to unneccessary close-ups of a picture of said dead brother, so we may inspect the contents of his facial pores. We also meet Smeagol’s boyfriend of five years, a perky, preppy ginger. They say opposites attract, don’t they? Oh, wait a hot minute, this show is about clothes, oh yeah — Smeagol’s clothes are not bad, especially a white motorcycle jacket with pearl-encrusted sleeves. This will feature prominently, soon, very soon.
Dark clouds swirl over our map as Tim’s red dotted line travels to Queens (ha) and a visit to Gay Ryan Reynolds. We are introduced to Gay Ryan Reynolds’s sister, McKenzie McDonald McCrazyPants. McKenzie is very supportive of her brother. I am sure we will learn in days to come that he held a rapier under the table, pressed into her thigh, to ensure her compliance. And then, and then, and then, we head on over to Gay Ryan Reynolds’s apartment and his “designs.” Sherbert-y lemon yellow, lime green and day-glo orange polyester, and a print that my mom would have loved in 1972 featuring harlequins, playing cards and dusty jewel tones. Oh, and a blue/green lenticular fabric, the kind that makes that great scrrrip scrrrip sound any time you move. Oh, Gay Ryan Reynolds.
When the final four designers reconvene in New York, they hug and air-kiss… and of course Gay Ryan Reynolds is gagging over Smeagol’s pearl jacket. This girl, this girl, she needs a pearl necklace. If you haven’t played the video yet, do it now.
After all of these sad appetizer courses, it was time to do the do and get to the runway. Gay Ryan Reynolds was up first and his “hit ’em where they hurt look” was pink pants, a gray and black tank top / sweater combo and some sort of 80’s muted jewel tone… placket? Next: it’s black! It’s a catsuit! It’s a dress! It’s unfinished in the back! More muted jewel tone fabric! Oh, Gay Ryan Reynolds. Third look? Neoprene black tennis dress with a “modesty tab.” I, along with everyone else who watches this show, am going to appropriate “modesty tab” and incorporate it into every day conversation.
Kimberly Goodpants walks us back to the 90’s with her first look, a vertical striped top and navy blue pants with a humongous bag. Styling? Side pony tail. Clarissa Explains It All, but she can’t explain this away. Next in line is a magenta skirt featuring an unflattering butt poof and blue sleeveless top with a big old doctor bag purse. Kimberly Goodpants, where is your “uplifted” esthetic? The sparkly black gown she selected for her third look would have been fine for the second or third challenge of the season, but it’s not enough for this stage of the game.
Smeagol’s first look is a contradiction. The design at the bustline gives the dress an ease that the other designers don’t offer, and yet the blue fabric and the leather zip-off panels give the dress a “denim tuxedo” feel. This feels more Jessica Simpson regressive than fashion forward. The second look, a tuxedo with pronounced lapels and wrinkly print pants shows promise, but not a whole lot of finish. Heidi is gagging over the mirrored top. Smeagol’s last look features the “This girl, this girl, she needs a pearl necklace” jacket over a swirly gray dress. Michael thinks they don’t go together, and I agree, but Smeagol sticks to his guns, because he’s got a story to tell.
Bringing up the rear is not Gay Ryan Reynolds, but Enya. Enya, you are really living up to your name here. Where are those gorgeous beachy prints you showed Tim? First look down the runway is a fairly basic earth toned short dress, with a big black belt. Second look is a black bathing suit with a tan cover-up. Final look is a tan satin gown, which Michael (rightly so) declares to be “tortured.” Not a whole lot of love from the judges for Enya and her boring collection.
In the end, Gay Ryan Reynolds is called to serve first, then Smeagol, and it’s down to Kimberly Goodpants and Enya. Kimberly is given the green light, and then, Twisty McTwisterson! Enya gets to show at Fashion Week as well.
So whaddya think, kids? Should Enya have been allowed to show at Fashion Week, to compete for the top prize? Is she going to be this season’s Wretchen?
