Style! Fashion! Attitude! Well, scrap the first two. This week, every week, every hour of every day and all the time, it’s all about the ‘tude.
In this week’s episode of As The Head Turns, we join our beloved designers in their Atlas apartments. Notice how errybody is all “they smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place.” Back stabbers! Each and every one of them. As always, there’s spoilers inside, so click atcha own risk!
Collier Strong and his boids are trotted out, and Kimberly is Not Having It. She’s a city gal, dincha know? She does not do well with animals. You know, and I know, but she don’t know, that there is no guitar mercy for any contestant’s mental quirks up in here, so she is just going to have to deal. Collier recites from his note cards the PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT spiel, the sewtestants are put into three pairs, each pair is assigned one of three boids, and we’re off to the races. But no! Oh ho! Let’s twist again, Miss Twisty Twisterini! Each pair will compete amongst themselves. Oh, Bunim-Murray. You do come up with the twistiest of twists, yes you do. Now, while a sane person would think that this might be the penultimate challenge, since there’s the possibility that one member of each pair would be eliminated and therefore we would have our Final Three ready to go to Bryant Park or Hell’s Kitchen Park or Tompkins Square Park or Battery Park or Rucker Park (Rucker? Barely touched her!) or wherever it is that they will show their final ragstravaganza. Not so much. We will have one overall winner and one auf’ed sewtestant, as usual. So much for cutting this thing short.
Tim throws out the big caish moneys lure, telling the ragburners that the winner of this challenge will win a big twenty K’s. O happy day, calloo callay. Smeagol does his usual craven thang and says “oh, this is not freeeeeeendly.” Then he looks at his boid and tells it “I am going to wear you, my precious.” Drawing, drawing, soon we will be Mood-ing, Mood-ing, then we will be sew-ing, sew-ing.
The kids are deep in their cups and Tim comes in and tells errybody that they need to create a second look. Second verse, same as the first. Drawing, drawing, soon we will be Mood-ing, Mood-ing, then we will be sew-ing, sew-ing. Here’s a little tingity ting to think about. They say they’ve been working for 10 hours already. So, it’s some time in the evening when they head off to Mood to buy more fabric. It’s obvious there’s no one else in the store. Did the producers pay the folks at Mood to open especially for this challenge?
At the beginning of day two, Miss Kimberly Goodpants says she is calling out sick. She should have, because the big drama for this episode was a medium sized cockroach appearing in the work room. Any bets on whether one of the production staff threw it in there just to stir things up? Another dash of PRODUCT PLACEMENT courtesy of Collier Strong and we’re back in the work room. A second to harass Miss Bertina for being a self-talker and then we’re back to the Kimberly Goodpants Meltdown Hour featuring the complex multi-talents of Tim Gunn and the Hug It Out Kids. Oh, Tim, what do I have to do to get a hug from you? Become a sewtestant on this show and run a sewing machine needle through my finger? Well, if I must, I must.
Adding to the mental stress, on runway day, Tim flounces in the workroom and tells our kids, ha ha, jay kay, just kidding, I told you to go make two looks and they would both go down the runway, and now I’m telling you only one of the two looks will be shown. Oh ho! Twisty McTwisterson Twisterama! Tim, you’re starting to act like that puppet from the Saw movies. Come on now.
We hear the runway show leitmotif, ting ting ting, ting-ting-ting and Heidi appears on the runway. Gay Ryan Reynolds flashes his groomed chest hair at the jerdges and we’re off to the races. The first pair is Enya versus Racist Barbie. Enya gets a lotta love from the jerdges, and Racist Barbie gets the smackdown for being literal. Who here did not have a little jolt of joy, watching Racist Barbie squirm with displeasure as she heard every compliment Enya received? Enya on top, Racist gal on the bottom.
Next pair is Miss Bertina versus Gay Ryan Reynolds. Miss Bertina admits she doesn’t like her look, and the judges don’t like it either, calling it expected and boring. Heidi gives Bertina a lil boost saying she likes the idea but not the execution. Gay Ryan Reynolds tells us about his safety orange draped fabric with the Muppet marabou corsage detail. Gay Ryan Reynolds on top (first time for everything), Miss Bertina on the bottom.
Final pair is Smeagol versus Miss Kimberly Goodpants. While the jerdges were not loving the faux pearl mommy sash on Miss Kimberly’s gown, they liked the fact that it looked like the model could fall out of it. Sassy! Smeagol had better makeup, but the “feathers” made of distressed organza in the end made his dress too literal. Miss Kimberly Goodpants on top, Smeagol on the bottom. As usual.
A quick deliberation, and Enya gets the win and the twenty thousand smackaroos, duckets, simoleons, or whatever she calls them in Jamaica pirate land. Gay Ryan Reynolds takes second, and when he comes into the stew room! The steam rising off his head is melting the duck fat he uses to pomade his hair down. He gets so worked up in his hatred of Enya he has to get up and get away from her before a Mommy Dearest moment happens. If you are very quiet and still and turn your speakers up as you re-watch that scene, you can hear a very faint “I.. AM.. NOT.. ONE.. OF.. YOUR.. FANS!!!” Try it and see if you can hear it too.
Miss Kimberly Goodpants takes third, Smeagol fourth, and we’re left with Miss Bertina and Racist Barbie. Was it Miss Bertina getting the axe for being plain old boring, or Racist Barbie for being literal and boring? Unfortunately, it’s Miss Bertina’s time to fly. He’s been around for you, been up and down for you, and now it’s time for him to fly.
Next time on Project Runway: Golf carts! Architecture! Formerly eliminated sewtestants! Heidi gasping!
