Crying Is Never OK Except When It Is

This is like Yahweh handing out the Commandments to Moses, Krishna reciting the Gita to Arjuna on the battlefield. I, Martin Chaddington Funkhouser decree these are the only acceptable instances in which a man can shed tears. Note that “man” indicates anyone over the age of twenty with a Y chromosome. 

1. Favorite sports team/athlete wins a big game

Sports are, without a doubt, the most important part of life. Without sports we would obsess over our family and work, maybe even develop basic social skills or learn how to read. These are all terrible things and the sight of giant men getting sweaty and playing with balls keeps the male species on track for world domination. Tears after a loss are not acceptable unless one was actually involved in the game. Fans from New England are exempt because it’s fun to see those Massholes cry.

2. Watching Brian’s Song

Continuing the trend of how amazing and worthwhile sports are, they also make for the greatest movies. Crying during The Notebook? The sign of an emotionally stunted clown. Crying during Brian’s Song? A sign that you are a healthy individual with a soul.

 2b. Watching Friday Night Lights

The true sign of manliness: If you don’t feel any tears welling up or a shiver down your spine during a rousing Coach Taylor speech just go ahead and give on life.

3. Watching any Pixar movie or The Lion King

It’s no secret the evil geniuses at Pixar have perfected the art of emotionally manipulating adults into crying at the drop of a hat. Drew Magary accurately summed up their gameplan in this article. If you have children there is basically no hope to walk out of the theater with a dry eye.

4. The death/birth of a family member or friend

This one is pretty self-explanatory. No need to act like Gary Cooper when grandma dies or  there is a new addition to the family. A real man appreciates those closest to him by actually expressing himself and not sitting there mute in a large leather chair drinking a glass of Johnny Walker Black.

5. Badass renditions of the National Anthem

A fine line between jingoism and pride, but remember these always come before sporting events so it’s totally cool.

6. Finding out your wife used all your drug money to pay off her former lover’s back taxes. 

It’s hard work to cook meth and your plastic surgeon’s nightmare of a wife just threw all that cash away? Let it out man, no judgement here.

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