What’s up, bro? HA! No seriously, I would never say that. He’d kill me. That’s the hair of death. Grim Reaper brought to you by He-Man. Okay, yes, there are important things to discuss. In honor of today’s day of manly-man things, let’s talk about something that may be overlooked on a day full of power tools and sporting events. Hair etiquette for men. I think this is a thing that exists, or at the very least should exist. Why, you may ask? Well, because there are just some things that shouldn’t ever be done. Ever.
Since some of you guys and your bros may be too tight to discuss this honestly, maybe what you need is a woman (ah-hem) to set you straight. Now, surely there will be people out there who will like the hairstyles discussed below and will be willing to still date you if you have them, but we think maybe they like wearing gaucho pants and sweater vests, so those folks don’t count. Just listen to the things this article is saying and you’ll be fine.
Sonic the HeadDouche
See that woman right there? Gaucho pants, I guarantee it. So yeah, about this whole gelled up, shellacked, finger in a light socket, crown-of-stupid-hair spikes. Erm, don’t do this. Nothing looks more fad trampling and wantonly silly than some dude wearing not only a hairdo de jour, but also one that is associated with being a bit of a loud, oafish clown who’s prone to fist pumping, club brawling, juice-heading, and random lady-smushing. If you know what show I’m referencing, that’s great. Also know that show should have a “Do Not Try This At Home” message running in a ticker at the bottom of the screen. Bottom line, unless MTV is paying you $100,000 an episode, find a better hairstyle, and stop walking around without a shirt. That’s also a mockable offense.
The Brady-Bieber-Jenner
I don’t know who or what Tom Brady is channeling here. This looks like some sort of Bruce Jenner/Three Stooges/Bieber-Swoop-of-Insane that I just really can’t fathom. I’d punch the guy who recommended this cut in the solar plexus, it’s really that odd, especially on this square-faced dude. Honestly if you saw this coming at you in a dark parking lot you better have a taser ready. That’s some serious “Stalk You and Send You a Box Full of Chest Hair” type coif. It was already wrong when it found its way into the bowl shape. How he didn’t just grab the scissors when that bang was being cut is beyond me. So, don’t do this unless you enjoy restraining orders and I dunno, throwing a Frisbee on a box of Wheaties in 1981.
Cock-a-Doodle-Dude
Oh, geez. Ironic mohawks are bad enough, but the faux-hawk? Yeah, this is something that should no longer have a shelf life. It isn’t cool. It isn’t shocking. It’s just a guy with way too much time and product at his disposal. Just what do you think we’re thinking when we see this? Do we think you’re extra rock and roll? Or that you’re trying too hard to make us believe that you are. Ding! If you’re this guy, and you like posing in pictures with your tongue out while making the rock and roll sign — we know you guys exist, don’t deny it — cease and desist immediately. When we’re talking to you we’re trying really hard not to say the word douche in conversation. “So, Josh, yeah, um what do you douche for a living? Oh, you work at a video game store? Douche you enjoy it? Oh, you douche, well that’s good. No, I didn’t know you could douche that with the PS3.” Yeah, so, stop it. Also, as a side note: Don’t ever wear a bandanna around your neck ever again. No, not ever.
Slob Marley
There are a few issues here. Firstly, if your white guy dreds are of the smelly, sweaty, testicle musk and onion soup variety, I’m gonna stop you right there. There’s no need to discuss this further. You already know, don’t you? Right? Right. If they’re simply patchouli filled, marijuana tinged and soaked in various vagrant street grime, well, there are probably enough eye-rolls ricocheting around when you enter a room it’s a wonder there’s no Olympic event. Yes, we get it, you have very important things to say about lots of important topics. We do hear you, but mostly we’re wondering if one of those matted, straggly things can hear our thoughts and is planning on strangling us where we stand. We don’t want to think this way, but we can’t help it. So, if you’re doing this Bob Marley thing: Keep it clean, keep it neat, and mostly don’t ever affect a Jamaican accent when you do. We don’t like British Madonna, and we certainly won’t like “Yea-Mon Brendan.”
Rattail Riddler
I’m sorry, is this 1987? Are you Mario Lopez and wearing parachute pants? No? Okay, then there’s no reason for there to be hair wisps at the nape of your neck doing some sort of hair-crazed puppet show. Just because you can doesn’t mean that you should. Good rule of thumb for just about everything. What does this even signify? Is your head heavy? Do you require some sort of pulley system to keep your cranium in an upright position? No? Okay, then cut off whatever that thing is back there. It doesn’t do you any good. It just makes us think you lost some sort of bet and it was either a rattail or mutton chops. Either way, you need better friends, or you should learn how to play better poker, or Gears of War, or whatever it was that led you to look like a street tough in a Hall & Oates video.
Emo Broadway Star
Angst. It can be a terrible thing. There’s lots of it in the world. The economy is in the toilet, people can be idiots, your job sucks, everything is lame. Yup, seriously, compadre, screw everything and everyone! Except, that hair doesn’t help. In fact, it makes us laugh just looking at it. It looks like Liza Minelli’s hairpiece from her last show. It doesn’t really say “downtrodden millennial” it says more “jazz hands and unitard” right? I think so. And really, if you could break out into song and sing “New York, New York” you would wouldn’t you? I think so. That hair is meant to be noticed. That’s why it’s so popular on the great white way! So, buck up, Moonbeam. Your band, Devil’s Teat, will maybe get noticed! Now pull that hair over one eye and shine, shine forever!
The Iverson
Where would the early 00’s be without cornrows? Seriously, homie. Everybody was rocking cornrows a few years ago. They’re not a new thing, though. Popular in the 1960’s and 1970’s and revitalized in the beginning of the new millennium, it would seem cornrows can stand the test of time, until well, they get played out. And that happens. Something is blazing and then it’s not. All of a sudden everyone’s rocking caesars, baldies or low fades. Look around. Cornrows? Yup, they’re gone. Even the most diehard of diehard fans gave it up. So, you know, you gotta let it go. It’s now the Iverson, my dude.
The Tron
You know what hairdos need? A grid. Like, a mathematical group of lines that tell everyone that their head is either a treasure map or a barcode. There should be more hairstyles just like that. You know, that multitask. No. Just because you got the message that tribal tattoos were no longer the hot thing, doesn’t mean you can just relocate that barbed wire design or whatever to your head. We’re not looking at it in wonderment and exclaiming how clever you are. Mostly we’re wondering what would happen if we put the bat signal up there? Because if you’re going to use your head as a billboard, or a sketch book, or a giant post-it, it should have some use, right?
Hipster Hat Guy
I know we’re talking about hair. However, I’m going to make an exception for this guy because for all intent and purposes, this is his hair. Really. These guys are always in these hats. Every time you see them they have one of these awful, knitted, fuzzy, stained, gross-tastic, dirt membranes on their heads. Do they have hair? Who knows? Does this thing come with attached side burns? Probably. Is it the key to some sort of ironic hipster power? Yes. If you remove and/or wash the crud-helmet will the hipster suddenly fade like a withered mung bean on a littered sidewalk? Certainly. I think someone should travel back to 2005 and find the first hipster hat and destroy it. Maybe then that will stop the birth of all others. Sort of like vampires, or an infestation swarm, you always have to find the source. Surely, the affected hipsters will writhe in pain after ties to the first hat has been severed. I propose we feed them coconut water intravenously until they’re weaned from “Ugly Dirty Hat” syndrome. Who’s with me?!
Okay, we’ve discussed the hair-abominations that effect young men. Well, what about the older guys?
The Donald
Losing your hair is a traumatic thing. We get it. It’s a whole psychological experience. And really, we don’t want you guys to think that we’re insensitive. However, you know that this is just wrong. Who in the world are you fooling?! Is it the extra long hair that you grow from the bottom of the head that’s the boon for this? It’s certainly not the part that goes around the entire head…you know that we can all see. While it’s fantastic that you’re still able to grow a significant amount of hair in some places, it is horrifically awful what you do with it. So, we’re going to need you to stop that. Embrace the baldness. While you may think that you look awful without any hair, it is absolutely guaranteed that you look ninety billion times worse with that thing wrapped around your skull from a part that starts somewhere around your armpits.
The Donald in Reverse
Okay, okay. So you’ve embraced the baldness. That’s great! Wait…uh, no. You can’t just decide that bald in the middle is okay, and then grow the bottom out to make a ponytail! We assume this is an attempt to distract us from the baldness up above? Er, well, we can still see it. This does nothing to fool us. This is not a good slight of hand trick. If this were a David Copperfield illusion, the Statue of Liberty would have never disappeared. What? Okay, so it didn’t ever disappear. Well, that’s kind of my point. It’s still there. We can see it. And the ponytail isn’t helping. Let’s try something else.
The Blago Bonanza
Yes, this is an exaggeration. Or is it? No, it really is. But honestly, would you have been shocked to see this one day? Not really, right? Has it been determined what exactly Blago had going on there? Is it a toupee? Is it a hair system? I refuse to believe it’s his real hair. The moral of this story is there’s no need to ever have a bouffant beehive of a hair disaster protruding from the front of your head like a follicular erection on Viagra. His hair literally wants to have sex with everyone in the room. And I’m not doubting its ability. Seriously. Blago walks in the room and everyone else has pregnant hair. This is a fact. Also, never do this. This is crazy. He is crazy. This is crazytown hair.
Good God, It’s the End of the World
There is nothing on this planet like this. This is the hair that destroyed the universe. It is literally fifteen thousand nuclear bombs housed on one head. There is no coming back from this. This is the equivalent of a hair apocalypse. If you see this coming grab your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. It is an unending nightmare. The land is now a dark and barren place. Everything has forsaken us. That hair is the Nothing. It will literally swallow us all up whole and deliver us to another dimension. Good luck.
To Sum Up
For now, these are the abominable hairstyles for men walking the earth no matter what age. Consider this a public service announcement. If you’re doing any of the things above you’ve been warned. If you refuse to stop, someone will be sent to deprogram you. Unless, well, you’re a Phil Spector disciple. That’s an endgame. Mostly though, guys, keep it clean, keep it neat, and don’t get too fussy. There’s no need for a lot of over thinking. Most of us like dudes who are simple and ready to go. If you’re spending a whole lot of time with product and other stuff meant to perfect your hair game, you’re probably doing more than you should. Lots of us like it rugged, fresh, and right from the shower…long, short, bald…whatever! All else is extra. Right? Right.
Game!
Well, since we’re talking hair. An article of this magnitude wouldn’t be complete without a Nic Cage compendium. Here guys, take a look at this chart and see if you can name all the movies where each hair atrocity was committed. (Psst! Even I don’t know them all. HA! Have fun!)
