Hello. Hi. You need a new tea kettle, duvet cover, pet bed, frozen pizza, DVD of the Birdcage, and a storage container thing you can put in your closet. Okay, well, you’re going to Target. Or to those who somehow believe we were loaned the enigmatic department store from France…Tar-zhay. Who are these people? We don’t know, but we bet they have a Shake Weight and a camping stove in their garages! Tar-zhay, who are they kidding? The French don’t like us. They’d never give us the secret to overpriced knickknacks and barbeque equipment!
Anyway, let’s dissect the discount retailer using our impressive evaluation goggles.
The Advertising
Yeah, we get it. Target is the main, cool place for all you hepcats to come and get your beach blankets, your clambake shorts, your volleyball nets, wading pools, and sand buckets all in synchronized, timed, collectively eye-rollable commercial absurdity. We know what you guys sell! Why even make commercials, Target, huh? Was the main point of this commercial to tell us how sensational your beach balls are, or that you guys are so insanely clever that you managed to fit 25 people in 17 square feet of space so that basically we hope someone slips in the wading pool, crashes head first into the barbeque grill, collapses the tent and then impales themselves with a beach umbrella, because that’s what we’re thinking when you’ve concocted a “Commercial of Potential Laurel and Hardy Calamity While Hoping To Reach the Margarita Mix in the Corner!” You see it there…the margarita mix in the corner, right folks? That’s what this whole thing is really about! Going to Target drunk on homemade margaritas, and peeing in the wading pool after you’ve taken it off the shelf and inflated it while onlookers buy David Hasselhoff CDs. Target is full of genius in khaki. Seriously, though, we never need a commercial to sell us on what you guys have in your stores. If I don’t know where to get toothpaste and a lawn chair, there’s no point in leaving the house.
Entering the Store
Once the commercial has done its trick, which is to remind us that we’re in need of overpriced items that we’d never actually buy unless stuck in a store full of random crap, when at some point you just give in, because really…the noxious plastic fumes have convinced you that you really do need a rock fountain made out of fiberglass that will look like a cheap fixture in a Laotian massage parlor. Yes, you’ve now arrived. You’ve arrived into the Disneyland of mediocre products served to you in a dirty dumpster out by the highway. And while we’re discussing the finer elements of highway trash containment, just what is that smell? It smells a little like decaying fish, a diaper set on fire, and Febreeze… and it’s all coming from the Food Court. Why is there a food court here? Yes, yes, I understand. Some people spend so much time in the never-ending crap-maze that is Target that they need sustenance. And by sustenance I mean a teenager standing in front of a microwave heating up hotdogs and then serving them to you on a bun made of old tube socks. Ok. Whatever, let’s go shopping.
Cart or Basket?
Oh, ho! What?! There are two Target types…the ones who get the wheeled cart, and the ones who delude themselves and get a hand-held basket, only to realize twenty-minutes into the shopping trip, that they’ve made a grave error. A hand-held basket in Target is like a cat on a surfboard. Just won’t happen…ever. For example: “Where is that tea kettle? Hello? Anyone? Fine. We’ll find it ourselves. It must be in the section by the food items? No. Not there. But they do have Totino’s pizza. When was the last time we saw Totino’s pizza? 1983. Great. In the cart they go. Hallllloooo! Tea Kettles? No, pet food, laundry detergent, Panini presses…hey! we’re getting close…blenders, wicker chairs…wait, we went too far. Let’s go back. What is that? Really, just what is that? It looks like an electric griddle. We don’t have one of those. Do we need an electric griddle? Well, we don’t know, we’ve never had an electric griddle before. We could fry up bacon, pancakes, and eggs, all on one griddle. It’s magic! Target has magic griddles! Let’s get this in our cart A.S.A.Double P! Let’s keep going. Scoot, scoot, hangers? Yep, we need hangers. Never can have enough hangers. In the cart. Scoot, scoot…we’re forgetting something…what could it be…scoot, scoot…a talking, slideshow, LCD picture frame! “Honey! Have you seen this?!” In the cart.
Where are You?
Unlike some places (IKEA) where it’s imperative that you stay together lest you get lost in a maze, get locked in, and get eaten by the zombies of shoppers who’ve never found the exit but have been subsisting on meatballs and wooden dowels — Target just about guarantees someone will leave the group lured away by the sounds of a CD player/backyard sprinkler. It is part of Target’s plan to dominate man and become its own sentient being. Target has found that like dogs and other thought-inferior beings on this planet, we love shiny things, things that combine functions, and any type of furniture that you can sit on. Put any of these things at the end of the aisles and a loved one will be sucked into the royal Target vortex, where the only escape is to enter into a blood debt that includes promising purchase of said item. This is the reason why so many people have portable karaoke machines in their homes. It was the only way to leave the store without sacrificing an unborn offspring, or the ability to digest lactose. And it won’t matter how many times you take out your cell phone and say things like, “What are you doing? Where am I? I’m in line. Where are you? Wait, what? But when will we invite people over to do that? So, okay, yes, I’m buying the guacamole maker…but that’s just for us. Well, maybe we’ll eat a pound of guacamole, you don’t know that we won’t. Fine. Whatever, yes, bring the Karaoke 3000, we’ll get it, but I’m telling everyone it was your idea.” Target wins.
This Thing Sucks, I’m Taking it Back…Never!
HA! You thought just because you spent five hours putting together that all wood TV stand you’d be able to watch The Jersey Shore successfully? Well, what are you nuts, or Lindsay Lohan? That’s just ludicrous. Target furniture is for in-store display only, and even then, tell us honestly, have you ever gotten a drawer to open on any of the Target display furniture items? No? Well, that should’ve been your first guess that this wouldn’t end well. What, do you think someone is actually back there making this stuff like little Santa’s elves? No way! This stuff is thrown in a box, sealed with staples, slapped with a label, and hauled into a store where you’ll never find an employee to help you move this thing off the shelf. Despite the very clear “Team Lift” sign on the box you’ll maneuver this very heavy thing into your cart, stuff it into the backseat of your Toyota Yaris, which it’s too big for, which is why your door isn’t closed all the way and you’re driving home at 10mph, like a boss! No. When you finally get the big crap home, and get it assembled, something…yeah, that doohickey important thing…that wasn’t in the box, won’t let any of the drawers close, so now you have a big fancy Target decorative Objets d’art instead of a TV stand. Will you take it back? No, not ever. Too much hassle. You’ll give it to your cousin Daffodil Birkenstein who’s leaving for college next year. She won’t care. She just needs a place to hold her bong.
The Good and The Bad
Finally it comes down to this. What in the world Target is good for…and conversely what things are such awful buys everyone will laugh at you if they see its remnants in your home. According to CBS MoneyWatch.com, here are four things Target does well and that you should buy if ever someone drops a net over your head and drags you through the parking lot and into this store. Here are also four things you should never purchase because they’ll suck, and you were warned.
- The Kindle – You can grab one and go, no waiting, and they’re the same price as sold on Amazon.
- Green Cleaning Products – Target is the first national retailer to carry the Method line of cleaning products and stocks more than 70 of them. You can also find several niche brands like J.R. Watkins Apothecary, Mrs. Meyer’s, and Seventh Generation.
- Groceries – Due to the struggling economy Target has increased their grocery section, and in some stores you’ll be able to find perishables like meat, fruit, fresh produce, and baked goods. You can also find things like kids’ snacks such as granola bars and juices for significantly cheaper than at other big retailers and drugstores. [Spirit note: While this is all fine and good, if your Target tends to be a little rough around the edges, then make sure you look at expiration dates and consider the appearance of the item before purchasing.]
- Cosmetics – Another beefed up section of the retailer. Given pressure from CVS and Walgreens, Target has increased their line of cosmetics to include more harder to find brands in efforts to compete with higher end department stores.
- Furniture – Target’s higher end contracts with big name fashion designers do not extend to furniture. So basically you can get better stuff from IKEA. Wow, and you know how we feel about IKEA.
- Movies and Music – Just go to Amazon, or be like the rest of the planet and download music and play it on your device. This isn’t 1998. Movies and the like are too expensive, unless you really need Night Rocker by David Hasselhoff.
- Exercise Equipment – Unless you enjoy the “As Seen on TV” line of exercise equipment go to The Sports Authority.
- Shower Curtains, Some Toys, and Other Products with PVC – Even though Target as of last year claims to have reduced the amount of polyvinyl chloride (PVC) products which can contain lead and phthalates, Target lagged behind Walmart and Sears. In any case still be careful. [Spirit Note: Read the labels on plastic items and any item containing the recycling symbol with the number ‘3’ in the middle which means they contain PVC. Take this note for any plastic purchase of this type, not just those in Target stores.]
So there you have it. You’re all prepared for your next trip to Target. This is pretty honest, right? You know exactly what you have to do, yes? Never look for the karaoke machine. Nothing good ever comes of that.
Happy Shopping!
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