The fourth episode of this reality/competition singstravaganza on Oxygen certainly wouldn’t dare deviate from the set-in-stone format of the show. Mini Challenge, Let’s Make A Video, Sing For Your Life, Time To Go. Beware, there are spoilers inside!
The Mini Challenge
The remaining singtestants are challenged to come up with dance moves to the trainwreck of a song by Train called “Hey Soul Sister.” Oh Jesus take the wheel I hate this song. The lead singer of Train is kinda cute, though at the Grammys he was rocking these skinny jeans which Do Not Look Right on someone who is in their thirties. I don’t know if he is in his thirties, but his face looks about 42. Oh! Look at me. A quick check of my external brain (a.k.a. wikipedia) shows that he is actually 42. Oh Mister Monahan. People in their forties do not wear skinny jeans. Dress your age, not your shoe size. Call me!
Back in drab-land a.k.a. Glee Project Fun Labs, the kids try to “bust a move.” This phrase will come back later to haunt them. Guest judge and abdominal muscle haver Harry Shum Junior appears and the chirrens sing and “dance” for him. After heaving into a conveniently placed bucket, Lil Harry decides that Samuel, mister Medusa-head, wins the challenge. Probably because he busted out his Billie Jean moves. How orig, Samuel, how very orig.
Let’s Make A Video
Broke-ass former rapper / preacherman M.C Hammer’s floor-filler “Can’t Touch This” was the song the kids had to make into a video this week. Oooh, rapping! Since these kids are on par with Don “No Soul” Simpson, we, the audience approve of this song choice. Given these kids’ lack of soul, I suppose it was this or “Waterfalls,” huh?
While they’re sitting around in their dorm rooms, Alex (For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When No One Was Surprised When They Came Out) (FCGWHCSWNOWSWTCO) looks all bored and sly and says, “hey, you know what? I totes threw that audition, bitches. I can’t win errthang all the time, mmmkay? Pfft. I’mma go get mah non-existent hurr did. Laters!” Scandal and hissing erupts. How very dare he? Such a diva. Later on when it’s time to learn choreography, Alex runs through it once and then stands there looking like he’s so bored he’d rather date one of the girls in the cast than run through the number again. Mister choreographer picks up on Miss Petunia Petulant and says, “ya know what, hon? You teach the choreography to everyone, I’m gonna go to the leather bar. Don’t call me, I’ll be busy. Byeeee!” And don’t you know Miss Alex Rotunda Attitudiva just went on ahead and she did teach that damned choreography to erryone else up in that place? Yes she did. She taught it with fierceness and correctitude.
Meanwhile, big girl (and ginge) Hannah got all red and sweaty and kept staring at her feet while trying to learn the choreography. Look up, girlfriend! The floor’s not going anywhere. When they gave our little soldiers a rest break, Hannah told a tale about how she likes to scat (sing scat, you naughty reader, you) back home and she’s got this key word “Skidoosh.” This leads to….
Time to record the vocals for the video. Hair-mess Samuel strolls in to his recording session, and his reward (for winning the mini-challenge) is that he gets to record a freestyle rap. What does he do? He imitates Hannah’s skiddle-dee-bops and finishes with her trademark “Skidoosh.” The lady in charge of recording is delighted and asks Samuel, oh I love that word, is that yours? Samuel looks blank for a second, then like a kid who’s about to steal a cookie, and then he says “yeah.” very quietly. Oh, Samuel, your hair looks like snakes and you are a snake in the grass. Of course this gets back to Hannah. She will exact her revenge later.
The actual singing and dancing and videographing time comes. Snack-wrap Matheus, miffed that Alex was diva-ing all over the place, decides to get all diva-y as well, with hilariously bad results. The choreographer is having none of this, and tells him to “keep your nuts on top of the T” or, in other words, stay on your mark. Fantastic.
Irish Dreamboat Damian says some sexy things in a sexy Irish brogue (oh please bring him on this season as an exchange student pleeeeease!) and he actually busts a move, impressing the choreographer and making Young MC appear out of thin air. Damian is the bewildered-est Irish dude on the set. He has no idea how he came up with this move (psst! Damian? It’s called the sprinkler) and no idea how to replicate it, so… lucky fluke, cutie.
Sing For Your Life
Our girl McKynleigh gets a song called “Last Name” which I suppose if you are into country and western music, you might know. She says she sings in country and western sangin’ competitions back home and this is one of her go-to songs, and she kills it. Absolutely kills it dead and does taxidermy right there on the stage.
Snack-wrap Matheus is assigned that idiotic top-10 song “Down” by giant idiot Sean John, and because Matheus was told to be sexy while he sings it, he starts stripping while he’s singing. Oh lord. Don’t get me wrong, he’s in fine shape. But he’s 19 and he’s like 4 feet tall so it looks like there’s a superbuff 12 year old on the stage taking off his clothes. Wrong-O, buddy, wrong to the O. There’s only so much you can do with such limited real estate. Stripping was the wrong choice. Just wrong. It’s a singing competition, dear, it’s hard to hear you sing when you’re taking off a button down shirt and a pull over. Tends to take the mike away from your mouth. That’s a little tip to you from me, Pinky Lee.
Alex (FCGWHCSWNOWSWTCO), stepped up to the mike, once again looking bored, and then this child of nature knocked out Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” in the style of Whitney Houston. Alex’s rendition was nothing short of sickening. As in sickeningly good. I hate him and all his talent. There, I said it. Oh, to be young and gifted like that.
Here I was, thinking this was going to be easy. McKynleigh, awesome, Alex, awesome, Snack-Wrap, not so much. But no, for whatever reason, they sent our girl McKynleigh home this week. Booo. Booooo! Bring McKynleigh back! Send Matheus home! Tout de suite!
Oh, and p.s. — What y’all said about Ryan Murphy last week? Double it. What a maroon. He completely represents the type of homosexical I hate, you know the ones — always a touch snide, their snark is mean and not fun, and they’re always simultaneously trying to impress their mother even though she’s not there while also with every word and deed insisting that, really and truly, their shit does not stink.
Original header image by Foxtongue
