While some opening credit sequences function on both a musical and visual level (I’m looking at you Six Feet Under, Twin Peaks), the following 15 examples should never have seen the light of day, let alone entered our living rooms.
1. Nurse Jackie
Wendy and Lisa? Really? I may not be sophisticated enough to enjoy “na na na na na na na” and floating pills.
2. Malcolm in the Middle
While I can handle Jane Kaczmarek yelling at her fictional sons for 30 minutes, I cannot tolerate an opening sequence whose sole purpose is to annoy its audience.
3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Years ago, my roommate hosted a weekly Buffy The Vampire Slayer view-a-thon where the theme song was always met with a choreographed dance routine. That’s all I ever needed to know about Buffy.
4. True Blood
How can Alan Ball go from creating the most sublime opening credit sequence for Six Feet Under to, well, this? The rotting corpse of a fox, complete with maggots does not make for a viewable opening title.
5. The L Word
Not only did The L Word manage to kill off its most popular character (Jenny Dana), but it also gifted us with the lyrically impressive “talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming.”
6. Friends
I’ve never understood the appeal of Friends. The theme song didn’t help.
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of a silly show about silly inter-galactic civilizations in silly costumes. Shut up, Jean-Luc Picard.
8. Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Now, this is the story about how a mediocre actor / rapper became a superstar. And I’d like to take a minute to weep for you America.
9. Gilmore Girls
All you have to do is press mute for the next 50 seconds.
10. Two and a Half Men
Many things continue to mystify me: what is the purpose of life? Is there life after death? What is the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny? Why are three unlikable actors singing?
11. Doctor Who
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Creepy, far too creepy musically for a television series whose main character time travels in a blue phone booth. The British are weird.
12. Cops
Quite simply, the theme song distracts me from the hotness of the “guilty until proven innocent” menz. Oh wait.
13. The Beachcombers
Did English-Canada’s longest televised series torment its viewers with a polka-themed opening credit? Yes, yes it did. After 28 years, Canadian television still hasn’t improved.
14. 7th Heaven
The sheer saccharin delusion of “I know there’s no greater feeling than the love of family” makes me want to kill myself.
15. Fame
Remember, remember, remember, remember, remember, remember when Americans actually graduated from high school?
(image c/o here)
