I’ve lost 110 pounds. Minus 60, plus 40, minus 50 is the rough outline of my transformation. FYI, in my universe, the second time’s cause I ain’t gaining weight again.
During the intervening six years, I meticulously took notes hoping to capture a truthflake so pure and special it could be extrapolated into 200 pages of self-affirmation. The tagline: Becoming sexy to discover my inner beauty. Original, Quirky and Clever, right? Damn right it is. It’s the perfect outline for a preening exploration of unscathed literary territory that is definitely worthy a book deal. I’m GenY, a published autobiography is birthright.
While I weed through the proposals littering my desk, I’m share a few random facts I learned:
1. You get a court appointed name change after losing weight: I was born “Forty”. The court decided that I shall forevermore be “Forty, OMG YOU LOST WEIGHT.” I always give folks the benefit of the doubt, they obviously don’t know that I own a mirror.
2. The thinner you are, the more food you’re offered: Folks wanna plump you up, it’s the haterade.
3. Your weight is inversely correlated to your weight: See the CAPS I used in No. 1? People yell uncontrollably; I guess THEY’RE SOOO EXCITED TO SEE THIN FORTY. Can’t blame ’em really but my ears still work, dude.
4. I’m still black: and my ghetto booty isn’t going away. The harder I fight, the more he wins. You’d think I took his Jolly Ranchers and killed his Tonka truck. I’ve groveled in 15 languages, promised and promised that I’m only trying to shape him up, not kill him. Homey is not on board the SSC.
5. Boys have cooties: It’s a truth, THE truth, really. Honestly, I already knew that…I just have to deal with more of them now.
