Oh, hello. What’s that? You were wondering what that fantastic network NBC has in store for you this fall? Well, I’m sure we’ve discussed what old, tired, whatever new shows they’ve got planned for our viewing pleasure. However, in news that’s just been released, we now know when exactly all these new shows will be shown on your ratty old floor model color television.
This is great news! Now you’ll know exactly when to either tune in to mock mercilessly, or when to watch with the fervent hope someone explodes spontaneously say perhaps from acute recycled television disease.
Well, here you go! Bathe in the joy of network television.
Thursday, September 8
8-8:30 PM: “NFL Kickoff Special 2011” (regular season)
8:30-11 PM: “Sunday Night Football” (regular season)
Sunday, September 11
7-8 PM: “Football Night in America” (regular season)
8-11:30 PM: “Sunday Night Football”
[They think there will be a NFL season this year. Isn’t NBC cute?]
Tuesday, September 13
10-11 PM: “Parenthood”
[Sensational. More of this family drama where everyone talks incessantly…even when a natural pause for thought would be appropriate.]
Wednesday, September 14
8-10 PM: “America’s Got Talent” (season finale)
10-10:30 PM: “UP ALL NIGHT”
10:30-11 PM: “FREE AGENTS”
[What’s that? Two new shows on Wednesday night? You know the Wednesday that used to host Law & Order…now we get to watch Christina Applegate and Will Arnett deal with the after effects of procreation and Hank Azaria’s hair system? Well, that’s just genius.]
Monday, September 19
8-10 PM: “The Sing-Off”
10-11 PM: “THE PLAYBOY CLUB”
[Um, wait. So if there’s a Sing Off..what then is The Voice? Am I confused? Is there singing involved on both shows? That can’t be. That would just be stupid. Anyway, Don Draper as the Key Master of the Playboy Club sounds exciting. What does AMC have to say about this? What? Oh, he’s not on loan from AMC. Uh, okay…so how is he on NBC? Oh, he’s not. That’s an adulterer who married some country singer. Oh. Okay, but what is he doing in the 1960’s? Oh, right, stealing an idea NBC passed on five years ago that landed on AMC.]
Tuesday, September 20
8-10 PM: “The Biggest Loser”
[Because The Skinniest Winner just sounded kind of bad.]
Wednesday, September 21
8-8:30 PM: “UP ALL NIGHT” (regular time period debut with original episode)
8:30-9 PM: “FREE AGENTS” (regular time period debut with original episode)
9-10 PM: “Harry’s Law”
10-11 PM: “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”
[Hey, look, it’s Hank Azaria again! And even more Kathy Bates slumming it on NBC and wondering where things went wrong…somewhere after hobbling James Caan, but before a second nude scene with Jack Nicholson. Right in between those two things you have Harry’s Law. And hey, there’s the only Law & Order show on this network that’s watched by anyone, just anyone at all…and now Stabler finally came to his senses and blew off this sinking ship like a monkey falling out a tree. Well, fine, but he and Olivia Benson better have one monster bumping of uglies that will make watching twelve years of sexual tension on this show worth it! I want Stabler butt cheeks in the air!]
Thursday, September 22
8-8:30 PM:. “Community
8:30-9 PM: “Parks and Recreation”
9-9:30 PM: “The Office”
9:30-10 PM: “WHITNEY”
10-11 PM: “PRIME SUSPECT”
[Whitney Cummings. She’s funny? I’ve never heard of her. Is she like the Aubrey Plaza of the comedy world…you know, famous in that her face is kind of annoying and her speech patterns make us long for Zooey Deschanel karaoke, way? No. Okay. Why does she have her own show again? Because NBC is sensational at recognizing talent and choosing the best ideas for television shows! Or maybe because they’ve grown bored of their own belly button lint. Six of one. And Maria Bello we thought your appearance on Law & Order: SVU was a one time deal…we would be wrong. You and Piper Perabo (fellow Coyote Ugly alum) are doing so great for yourselves at this whole law enforcement thing and not, you know, the dancing on top of a bar thing.]
Friday, September 23
9-11PM: “Dateline NBC”
[Hey Dateline! Did you guys hear about the To Catch a Predator Host? Pretty funny stuff, right? No.]
Friday, October 21
8-9 PM: “Chuck”
9-10 PM: “GRIMM”
10-11 PM: “Dateline NBC”
[Chuck…Friday’s at 8pm. Yeah, I’m thinking this is the kiss of death. I don’t expect to see you around by midseason. Here’s a novel idea. Let’s make fairy tales live action. You know, like a little, mini Harry Potter type thing. Witches and goblins and other mystical things. We care about this, yes? Sure we do. This is not at all an idea like last year’s The Cape. We television viewers do so enjoy light, television fluff, and not gritty original dramas that have nothing to do with police, hospital ERs or family strife…so that means naturally The Brothers Grimm stories! Fantastic.]
Saturday, September 24
8-9 PM: “Harry’s Law” (Repeat)
9-10 PM: “Prime Suspect” (Repeat)
10-11 PM: “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (Repeat)
[Really, NBC? Really? Saturday night is filled with repeats. Just stuff that’s already come on all week…this is your Saturday night lineup? You know what the 21st century has brought us? DVRs. Yup, little machines that can record television shows in the event that we’re not home…so you know, if there was a good show worth watching on Saturday night, we could record it and watch it later. But no, I guess not. I guess you guys whose network came in nearly last place much of last season, can afford repeated shows on Saturday nights.]
We hear that’s not all. Soon other shows will be joining the schedule, perhaps by midseason, including a Chelsea Handler penned turned television disaster with a laugh track, called Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea, a waking reality sci-fi type thing called Awake, an Amanda Peet starring rom-com called Bent, a show about BFFs called BFFs and I bet it has BFFs in it, and a Broadway goes to Glee show called Smash. If they make it to the schedule then they’ll get a write up, until then yeah…Chelsea Handler and Amanda Peet…yeah.
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