You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you can’t stop crying, but you really live on the bottom when you can’t stop crying even to pee. I’m currently going through a break up after a 4 year relationship. Here are some things I’ve learned:
Never Ever Listen to Adele.
In theory songs like “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You” give us a voice that says “I’ve been there too.” Well that’s the last fucking thing I hear when I listen to those songs. You know what I hear? Every specific moment in my now ended relationship brought back to life, with music! And tearful renditions in front of my mirror will not make me feel better.
Instead, I listen to this:
Ben and Jerry are not your friends.
As tempting as it sounds to drown your sorrows in vats of chocolate, I found that once my appetite came back (frankly, I didn’t eat a meal for two days) that I didn’t want to exacerbate my feelings of loneliness, sorrow, and fear by adding guilt, disgust, and regret. So instead of ordering three Dominos pizzas in a week (I’ve done that before, it’s as awful as it sounds) I’m trying to stick to vegetables and fruits, drinking lots of water, and avoiding anything that will add to my miserable mood.
Consult a Guru.
We all have at least one friend who, for whatever reason, has been through many breakups. If they do not currently reside in a mental hospital, this is someone you should call. Generally you’ll get a lot of good advice, empathy, and support. My Guru reminded me that I could be selfish right now, that instead of calling Him, I should call my friends or my mom. She has been there, and knows the grieving process, and treats it seriously. A good Guru knows that now is not the time to say “I never liked Him anyways.” or “Girl you’re gonna LOVE dating!”
Prepare for the unexpected.
I know that sounds stupid, and impossible, and it sort of is. What I mean is that the things that will upset you, or remind you that It’s Over can come from very unexpected places. Birth control ran out. Do you get more? That big movie you were planning on seeing together, who do you see that with? Remember when you were going to be the one to take him to Europe? For me it hasn’t been so much the day to day “I no longer have a partner” situations that upset me. It’s plans we’d made for the future, like trying out that new restaurant, or the new season of Dexter coming out, or any number of things that for a long time have been a given. When I’m aware that around any corner could be something that triggers a rush of memories and emotions, I’m more prepared to deal with whatever comes up.
Give yourself permission to ______.
I am learning to accept that some days I will feel like nothing has changed, and some days I will barely make it into my apartment before I start sobbing uncontrollably. I am learning to accept that I might need to call Him, who is still my best friend, if only to hear that I am not alone in this. I am learning to accept that being single is scary after such a long time, and to be scared is okay. I am learning how to sleep alone all the time, and I am learning to be okay with it. There is no one way to grieve, there is no one way to cope. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or other people, do it by any means necessary. But seriously, don’t listen to Adele.
What are some of the things you’ve learned after a break up? How do you deal with it?
