So how do you end the first season of a show that is shaping up to be the next biggest thing in HBO history? Well, you have to do it justice. You also have to remind the audience that there is more than a little bit of magic and mayhem at play if you’re talking about the Game of Thrones. And with a show this jam packed with honor, family, death, and life you’d better just remember how the show started and to expect the unexpected.
The Game of Thrones: Endgame.
The Blood of Mine Enemies: We open with the bloodiest sword ever seen not attached to Conan the Barbarian and with Ned’s hair still attached. Man, what a way to say, “Oh, viewers, we’re not done making you guys feel like crap. Here, take a look at the bloodletting as it’s still unfolding.” Thanks! In the midst of the mayhem Sansa passes out and the Watchman Ned implored help Arya, starts calling her a boy, and first we’re confused, but then we realize after he begins cutting her hair that he’s decided to take her with him and call her a boy in order to save her life. There’s no way she’ll be able to travel and get away if she’s a girl and especially if it’s known that she’s Ned Stark’s daughter. Oh, where is her dancing teacher? At this moment we so wanted to see him.
Ding! You’ve Got Mail: At Winterfell, Brann is having that same dream again with the three-eyed Raven. Finally we find out what this is about. Osha, the Wilding Woman (who has finally found a hairbrush) is walking with Brann piggy-back style as they investigate the meaning of his dream. He leads her down into the Winterfell crypt where we get a brief history lesson on the Lords and Ladies of Winterfell, and it seems that none of the Starks have died peacefully. Sort of like Kennedy’s they are. His grandfather was burned alive by the Mad King, his Aunt, the love of King Robert’s life, was stolen by a Targeryan, which started a war but she died anyway, and in a bit of foreshadowing, here should lie Ned, killed by Village of the Damned leader, King Joffrey, the insufferable asshole. And enter little lord Rickon and his dire wolf, Shaggydog. I’m just going to say that Rickon is some sort of touched-in-the-head prophet. This boy just enters the room, says some cryptic shit, and then rolls out, in gangster Matrix Oracle style. Yeah, he’s not someone you want to bring to parties. He’s like the anti-party kid. He’s the kid who brings with him the pox. He worries us.
Then we see that the dreaded Raven Gmails have arrived. Everyone is hearing the news about Ned. We see that Brann is first, and then we’re shown Lady Stark as she walks stoically amongst copious bows of respect and mourning. She breaks down once out of view, and then comes upon Robb who’s chipping away and taking his anger and sadness out on an unsuspecting tree. His mother makes the rudest observation ever that he’s ruined his sword (I guess, “There, there, my son.” was too appropriate.), and Robb swears to kill them all. Lady Stark says that the Lannisters have his sisters. They have to get them…and then we will kill them all. (Hey, make sure you kill that little incest-created monster. Him first, okay? Him first.)
Sleeping With the Enemy: Back at King’s Landing a musician sings a bawdy song about Robert’s death, which has been brought to Joffrey’s attention, and we know that this won’t end well. Joffrey, the little shit, asks the man which he prefers his fingers or his tongue and seeing no other option, lest he wants instant death, the man chooses to keep his fingers. And Joffrey says, “Whatever. Cut out his tongue. I’m going to have some soup, graham crackers, and maybe a nap now. Thanks for coming to my workday spectacle. Mother, you run the rest of the knitting club today.” Joffrey saunters over to Sansa while the man he just condemned to be de-tongued screams in agony in the background. We can see what’s happening over Joffrey’s shoulder, as well as Sansa, and as if Ned’s death didn’t confirm it, Sansa truly knows that Joffrey is well and truly evil incarnate. He commands her to walk with him and we know that there’s nothing less she’d like to do.
On the walk we’re taken inside Joffrey’s twisted little brain and he tells Sansa that they are still destined to be married and rather matter of factly he says, “Once you’ve started your blood, I’ll put a son in you and it shouldn’t be long.“ And in that moment we’re looking for the nearest date rape hotline to Raven Gmail poor Sansa. That cavalier comment literally made Spirit shudder.
He then leads her to the wall of spikes and forces her to view her father’s head. She shouts that Joffrey promised to be merciful, and he states like the crazed maniac that he is, that he was merciful by giving Ned a clean death, as opposed to what? A death amid myriad lies, and copious Lannister bullshit, because I certainly believe that happened. Sansa pleads to go home, and yes, it is all the more apparent that she is just a young girl, one who’s being held captive. She is told that she will be married and must obey, so Joffrey commands again that she look at Ned. He then preens and says that as a gift he’ll give Sansa Robb’s head, and in the best retort possibly of the season, Sansa says like a flash, “Or perhaps he’ll give me yours.” As you guys may know, I wasn’t a big Sansa fan, but in that moment I cheered for the girl as she stood up to the boy she previously fawned over incessantly. But then in true abusive fuckface fashion, Joffrey has his guard smack her a few times, since it’s not kingly for him to do so. Punk. Sansa then looks at “Oh, how high they are” and the wheels start turning….just one small push that’s all it will take. She moves forward, but before she can close in on Joffrey, the Hound steps in under the pretense of wiping the blood from her mouth. The Hound tells her to just give in and do what the King of Fuckery wants or she’ll be needing to wipe blood from her mouth more often. Want. To. Punch. Joffrey. So. Hard. HATE, hate him so.
A King is Born: The Bannerman following Robb are strategizing the best way to overthrow the throne and are debating between the benefits of Renley or Stannis as king, both are nowhere to be found, and the conclusion is made that neither of these two are suitable. And with this admission, one of the banner men decide that they’d rather not follow any King in the South, so they dub Robb King of the North and swear their allegiance to him.
Lady Stark then decides to make a visit to Jaime, who sets about insulting her from the minute he sees her in his presence. His first words? “You look lovely. Widowhood becomes you.” He further offers her his “services” since in his mocking he insinuates that it’s his bloody, filthy, piece of monkey dung body she wants in this moment. Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say, nah, dude. And with that she picks up a rock and punches the dog snot out of him. As a part of his bravado he says that he doesn’t care about death and he counters that it really doesn’t matter because winter is coming for them all, and besides “I’m here and I’m an evil monster, because I can be, and no one will stop me.” He then admits to pushing Brann out the window intent on killing him, but stops short of admitting the incest with his sister. Punk. And in the very last frame, it looked as if Jaime can’t even stand himself. Like being an evil piece of shit is tiring even for him.
What’s Worse Than a Lannister?: Back at King’s Landing we find that Cersei is bumping uglies with yet another Lannister. Her cousin this time. Is there no one else in all of Westeros? Seriously? This is totally the reason why Joffrey is a crazy little child of the corn. That bloodline is so thick it’s no wonder all of the Lannisters are running around like a town of crazed carnies.
In Tywin’s tent there’s nothing but disgruntled old men. They’re very unhappy that their little game of Stratego is getting toppled by a not so green boy named Robb Stark. Their war operation is actually being called a catastrophe. Oh, yes. Things are that bad. One old lord in ancient armor says that perhaps they should start thinking about a truce. You think? Now? Serving as the voice of reason always, Tyrion throws a goblet on the ground and as it shatters he says, “There’s your peace. Joffrey saw to that once he sought to remove Ned Stark’s head.” And we get the feeling that Tyrion would never have done such a thing. Possibly, maybe, he would have been the only Lannister to listen to Ned and actually believe him about his brother and sister, the boning wonder twins. He notes that there will be no bringing Robb Stark to the truce table…and that he’s winning. As the men discuss different strategies, Tywin in frustration yells, “They Have My Son. “ Damn right, Brother Numpsie. Your “Golden Child” is getting bashed in the face by Lady Stark.
He orders everyone out except Tyrion. Tyrion admits that Ned was worth more to them alive as it would have been easier to call off Winterfell and everyone else, so they would only have to deal with Robert’s brothers, whom it sounds like he believes to be the bigger threat. He calls the decision the idiot boy king has made “madness and stupidity.” We hear electric shock therapy is good for all that.
He then looks to Tyrion, considers him with new eyes, and says he was right about the Starks, and says that he’s always thought him to be a stunted fool, but he thinks he may have been wrong about that. Oh, crap. Sure, you can tell that all Tyrion has ever wanted was acceptance from this sick man, but in order to get it, it’s at the price of madness. Sobering. Tywin lays out a plan that mostly includes some sort of retreat, but he tells Tyrion that he’s to go to Kings Landing. And just like us, Tyrion asks, “And do what.” The look of horror on his face is hilarious. I’m guessing he’s thinking, “I’d like to not have to share company with my insane turd of a nephew and his enabling bitch of a mother, thanks.” Tywin simply says that Tyrion will serve as Hand of the King and rule. Dear lord. We liked Tyrion so much better when he was a simple bystander to all the Lannister shit. He is told that he will bring Joffrey to heel as well as his mother. And when Tyrion asks “Why me?” Tyrion says simply, “Because you are my son.” The words that Tyrion has longed to hear are spoken so plainly. And we feel so sorry for him, but perhaps, just perhaps given his penchant for smacking the dogshit out of Joffrey some good will come of this decision. The only catch….Tyrion can’t bring Shae to court.
We’re confused since we thought Tywin liked giving Tyrion “whores.” Complicated man that Tywin. To that Tyrion decides that he’ll make up his own mind and after detailing how everyone bends at his father’s will and mellifluously acknowledges that his father is a cunt (yes, truly) he says that he’ll take Shae with him, and this is how we know that the old Tyrion is still in there despite his new station in life, and the sudden affinity his father has bestowed upon him. And it would be indeed funny to see Tyrion’s chick walking around with her tits out. Does she know what happens at court? They’re nearly there anyway. Roz alone counts for 98% of visible tits.
You Get What You Pay For: It is the day after the devil tent party and Dany is now awake. And she wants to know what’s happened to her baby. Ser Jorah tells her that the baby did not live. And she’s told by the witch that the child was monstrous and twisted. That he had scales, was blind, had leather wings, his skin fell off, and inside he was full of grave worms. So basically Dany reenacted the scene from the original V miniseries when that gooey, green, autotuned shrieking lizard puppet was born? Yes, okay, sure. Gross. The witch tells Dany with satisfaction that only death can pay for life. “Ah, but you chopped off the head of that horse, so that was just like the appetizer?!” Now Dany wants to see Khal Drogo. She wants to know what she bought with her son’s life.
And well, yeah, once we leave the tent we know something is up, and so does Dany. She asks where the Dothraki have gone. And Jorah tells her that “They beat feet because they’re not following a Khal who can’t ride.” And we’re like “Oh fudge, he has like no head, right? He doesn’t have a head. I bet he doesn’t have a head.” We find Drogo on the edge of a cliff by himself and well, he’s catatonic. Dany is confused. We’re not. When Dany asks her when he’ll be back the witch says, “When pigs fly and Anthony Weiner is president, when hell freezes over and you skate there on an ice floe. Never.” Dany accuses the witch of selling her some rotten milk at the grocery store, and the witch says, “Well, they never should have burned my temple.” And when Dany tries to cash in that “I saved you” chit, the witch responds by saying, “I was already raped, my people were already slain, and my temple was burned to the ground, so yeah, first chance I got, I made sure another Dothraki child would never grow up to do so, and your great king is now a vegetable. War is hell, honey.” Dany learns an important lesson about mercy. Later Dany tries to get life to come back to Drogo. She wants him to give her a sign that he’s still in there, but he just stares blankly back without eyeliner. A Khal without eyeliner is no Khal. Resigning herself to Drogo’s death, she does the merciful thing yet again and smothers him with a pillow. Alas goodnight Drogo.
What’s it Matter When White Walkers Arrive?: Jon sets off to find his brother and become a deserter. In doing so he knocks a protesting Samwise down in the process, and we kind of got a giggle at that. While Jon rides away in a snit, his Watch brothers set out to retrieve him before the rangers hear of his desertion, and Sam gets hit in the face, and falls off his horse, and we giggle again. The brothers do a little oath game of light as a feather stiff as a board by candle light, and Jon is back in the fold. Back at castle black, Jon is making the Commader’s supper, and he tells Jon that he knows he attempted to run away and that it isn’t all that uncommon. He says honor made him leave and honor brought him back, Jon corrects the Commander and says that his friends brought him back. The commander says, “Whatever.”
He tells Jon that nothing can bring his father back, and that they have bigger problems than Robb’s war. Yes, there are zombies and white walkers out there. Will it matter who’s on the throne when those assholes come storming the castle? Jon agrees that it won’t matter. He learns that the Night’s Watch will be riding out in full force to look for Benjen, and to battle whatever is beyond the Wall. I’m sorry, but the part when the Commander is talking about how they will ride out to meet whatever is out there, facing it head on and such…sounded a lot like Optimus Prime. I expected him to say, “Nights Watchbots, Roll Out!” And that’s how we leave Jon.
A Little Nursing Home Bump and Grind: In an intermission no one asked for, we are now viewing Maester Pycelle waxing poetic about kings as he’s sitting in his bedroom. At first we thought he was using a bedpan, but because this show likes to assault us with inappropriate sex, we see an arm in the side of the shot and we realize that old Maester Pycelle is actually Maester Pimpcelle because he was having geriatric sex with the Westeros re-usuable sex Tupperware, Roz, after she gets up and begins washing her lady parts. Oh, yick of all yicks. Anyway, then Pycelle, clad in a see through sex-shirt, starts doing some calisthenics (Gotta stay fit. Viagra won’t be invented for another two hundred years) before putting on his heavy robes and Marley’s Ghost chains, but before leaving, he stoops over and transforms into the Pycelle we all know and loathe. Spirit laughed out loud at this. So even Pycelle knows that the key to survival in Kings Landing is to be someone whom he’s not.
Stop Thinking About My Gash!: We then have another round of banter with Littlefinger and Varys, who basically hate each other, but understand each other’s cause for being there. Varys (Perez) ridicules Littlefinger’s blatant desire to be king. And Littlefinger wants to discuss Varys’ ballessness, because he’s obsessed and infatuated with it. Varys says that Littlefiner has all ambition and no morals which means he’d be a pretty scary king. Yeesh. Varys admits that he doesn’t want to be king. Mocking his lack of manliness by not wanting to be king, Littlefinger says that Varys has a gash between his legs. To which Varys responds, “Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash.” One of the best lines of the night. And then we discover that they have mutual admiration for each other, and then that little blond king asswipe comes in, wanting his bowl of Sugar Pops, and daily kill list, and we wonder what they’re really thinking about the new king.
My Name is Ary Yentl: We’re back with Arya who is now to be called Ary. Her Watch protector tells her that she should say that she’s an orphan if anyone asks, because no one gives three shits about orphans. He tells her that they are bound for the wall with new recruits from the dungeons, and that she needs to keep her mouth shut about who she really is if she doesn’t want to be turned in for a pardon or raped. That’s an easy choice. He calls her boy out loud so everyone knows. A couple bullies try and take Needle and push her down, but we know what happens with fat boys who try to take Needle. Arya/Ary tells the pork chop to beat it. The armorer’s apprentice we met several episodes ago, and also one of Robert’s bastards, chases the bullies off and remarks about Needle. We think he and Arya will become fast friends. They’re off to the Wall, and it’s a bit exciting to think that Arya will get more fight training…so that she can chop off Joffrey’s balls.
Psst! Hey, Guys, Guess What I’ve Got?: Dany and her followers, those who didn’t hightail it out of town, have decided to construct a funeral pyre for the now and truly dead Khal Drogo. Dany is interestingly out of her Dothraki burlap rags and is wearing one of her fine Targeryan gowns that we were introduced to her in. She decides to place the dragon eggs alongside her beloved Drogo, against advice of Ser Jorah who says she should sell them for a huge profit. Really? Dragon eggs are worth millions. Interesting. Dave Chappelle knew what he was saying all those years ago. Once seeing this Jorah is afraid that Dany is contemplating suicide, preferring to burn in flames with Drogo. She laughs at this notion and turns her head to the witch, who she wants tied to the pyre for her betrayal. Bravely, but stupidly, the witch says she won’t scream….oh, but she does. Then ignoring Jorah Dany walks into the flames, and appears to do so untouched. And briefly we think that she’s found a way using fire to awaken Drogo for real this time.
The next morning we see Jorah’s feet as he walks among the embers he goes to the center of the former pyre and finds Dany naked amongst the rubble. She looks dazed but yet determined, as she stands we notice…HOLY SHIT! THOSE ARE TINY DRAGONS! Oh, yes, those are definitely dragons. We give HBO props for the red one that appears over her shoulder screeching his displeasure. He basically says, “Yeah, mofos, it is officially on. Prepare for destruction.” Yes, yes, we knew every now and again everyone talked about dragons…but did I think they would actually show, um, dragons? Perhaps not. Well, this just creates a whole new element to the show. Who cares about Joffrey on the throne or the White Walkers when there are now dragons, the most powerful thing in all the world. And our friend Dany is able to command them. She’s now a Navi’. That was pretty well done.
So what did you think? Were you surprised? Did HBO handle the dragons the right way? If this show is snubbed by the Emmy’s, I’ll be stunned. Who do you think gave standout performances? Let us know in the comments.
