Remember how we left last week with all kinds of double crosses and betrayals happening… yes, well, that basically means that every Stark associate in residence at King’s Landing is fit for the killing, and we begin with exactly that. There is all kinds of bloody mayhem, and as Arya and Sansa go about their day oblivious to the murder amongst them, we are indeed fearful for their very lives. We watch as all is serene until Holy Slicing Ginsu! Stab, stab, stake, slash, kill, kill, dead, dead. Oh, yes, King’s Landing is no place for a Stark.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Sansa’s Septa hears the killing commotion and knows exactly what’s happening. She tells dimwitted Sansa to run to her room and bar the doors, as if this will help, and in true martyring fashion walks headlong into the throng of murdering bastards. I’m guessing she thought she could slow them down or something, but as we get a shot of her face in juxtaposition to all those bloody “pointy ends” we don’t imagine she makes it.
Meanwhile, Arya is debating the semantics of fight strategy with her fencing teacher Inigo Montoya when they are set upon by the killing squad. As the men in gilded armor that looks like a thousand tuna cans wrapped around their torsos, tell Arya to come with them, defiantly she says, “Nah, brah, I ain’t going with you. And why are you here anyway? My Daddy-o wouldn’t have sent you flashy GoBots to round me up. Beat it, Tinmen” This gets a chuckle. And we’re like “Ho-boy. Inigo, you better be able to dance like the frigging wind with that wooden sword.” And he does! Inigo takes on the dastardly Dread Pirate Roberts Metal Army with true swordsman flair and brow-beats all of the chief GoBot’s men about the face like they were lolling heads of cabbage. Go Dancing Inigo Serio, Go! We are only scared when he begins to fight Cy-Kill, the head GoBot. During the fight his trusty wooden sword is broken at the hilt. Uh, oh. No! NO! Things are looking bleak. When Inigo asks Arya in true Vin Diesel fashion, “What do we say to the God of Death? And she whispers “Not Today.” we think maybe he has a chance even with half a sword. He tells Arya to run away and she does and we hear awful screams in the distance. We’re hoping it’s the GoBot and not Serio.
Sansa is also fleeing and runs into The Hound who looks like a wolf who just came upon a lost lamb in the forest. We see his thoughts loud and clear, and Sansa finally understanding her situation GENIUS THAT SHE IS, does too. She says she’ll tell her father, or better yet the queen…and The Hound says menacingly, “Who, evil queen Maleficent? Oh, Sleeping Beauty, that’s the maniacal sociopath who sent me.” In (S)tark contrast, when a little bully-boy tries to capture Arya (Does the queen have portly preteens on her payroll too?) she’s found her needle and runs him through. Good on Arya for defending herself! Albeit that it looks as if it were an accident. It works, but didn’t it seem that she had more intent when she scraped up Joffrey for being a dick a few episodes ago? At this point, Arya, when everything is on the line…there can be no accidents. Your dancing teacher would have told you this.
When we next see her, Marley’s Ghost and Cersei are playing a little sweet and sour with our girl Sansa. Marley nee’ Maester Pycell is the sour and has decided that if born of a traitor always a traitor… so what, Marley? Sansa should be flogged and hanged? My he’s a bit of an old douche isn’t he? The queen who sees Sansa for what she is…a pawn, convinces her to write a letter to her mother and brother, Robb, at Winterfell telling him of the situation and imploring him to keep the peace by coming to Kings Landing to swear fealty to the little asshole on the throne and to not, you know, start war. Sansa tries to bargain by asking to see her father, but is no match for Cersei’s forever frowned face, which develops creases that could swallow whole ships in her forehead at Sansa’s request. Seeing Cersei’s entire head about be enveloped in just one wrinkle Sansa relents and writes the bullshit letter.
Dungeons and Dragons: The only one not getting slaughtered is the actual “traitor,” Ned. Funny that. He’s in a dungeon and Varys comes to visit bringing him water. How delightful that Varys. So helpful and full of shit. He updates Ned on the state of his household, telling him that Arya got away, and that Sansa is in Cersei’s clutches. Ned wants to know why Varys did nothing during the attack. And Varys says, “Say what? Have you seen me? I’m a lover not a fighter.” Which amounts to “I was unarmed and had no armor and frankly while sad, um, yeah, I’m not dying because of your stupidity, and by the way…why did you tell the queen what you knew of her pure blood son?” And Ned said some sort of honor-speak mumbo jumbo and we’re like, “Whatever, dude. You couldn’t see all this coming?!”
Varys tells Ned that it was his mercy (read: stupidity) that got everyone in this pickle. He should have told Robert what he knew of Joffrey’s birth before he died. Undeterred, Ned thinks Catelyn having Tyrion will save him, but when Varys confirms that Tyrion escaped… well, Ned just thinks someone should kill him. What? Lame! Fine, I’m thinking Arya. Varys confirms that someone will, but not today. Has everyone seen that Fast Five trailer?
You’ve Got Mail: At Winterfell, Robb gets Sansa’s letter and confirms that the queen has told her what to say regarding Joffrey. In one of the best quotes of the night, Robb says “Joffrey puts my father in chains, and now he wants his ass kissed?” Well, yes and no. Joffrey wouldn’t know his ass if it up and blew sulfuric air out the end of it. It’s Cersei, the paranoid helicopter mom, who wants Joffrey’s ass kissed in order to legitimize her abominable offspring’s theft of the throne and solidify his reign. Robb says that’s not going to happen. He’ll go to Kings Landing, but with an army. Theon Greyjoy, who apparently has no women left to sexually harass, sits at Robb’s side and confirms what we knew…that Robb is still a young man who’s scared, but that sometimes you have to do the hard thing…such is the life of being a Stark with a father who’s sort of stupid. And then we see a raven forward all Gmail go out to the loyal heads of houses in the realm indicating that there will be a battle. Hopefully everyone opens their mail and doesn’t just think, “Oh, whatever. Raven spam. Bed, Bath, and Beyond is having another sale, though.”
At the Eyrie the two sisters are arguing and Catelyn is angry that Lysa isn’t rushing to send her men to help Ned, and that Robb is going it alone. Lysa finds all of this slightly amusing. “Heh, yes, your son against a Lannister. That’s just insane. And I know insane. It’s often attached to my breast.” Naturally, we find out that Lysa is just worried about her little milk-fed idiot son who’s now head of the household, and as if on cue that little daft bugger starts pawing at his mother’s blouse telling her that he’s hungry. Good Christ. And then he says it again with more urgency and Lysa’s barely able to contain him….oh, my. We are afraid of watching at this point…because. what. if. he. succeeds. in. taking off. his. mother’s clothes? We’d be scarred. Just scarred. Catelyn, though, Bubbelah…what exactly do you expect milk mommy to do here? She can barely control her boob-chasing ten year old, do you think she’s really capable of making big decisions about war? Anyway, Lysa says she won’t give Catelyn any men and then she sends the psychotic Robin away for a bath, which makes us all shudder.
Night of the Living Dead: Back at the Wall, Frodo and Samwise watch as two dead men are pulled in from the snow. And don’t they just look odd with their white skin and vacant eyes? We learn that Benjen is not among them, but they are in fact Night’s Watch dudes. Samwise proving useful as a forensic scientist on that television show Bones detects no smell when there should be. The commander tells him to do a full investigation using one of those high tech full body scanners or you know maybe just a big knife. We then hear that the commander’s got some Gmail from Kings Landing. He calls in Jon Snow and tells him that he better get a drink and sit down, because the king is dead and his father has been labeled a traitor. Visibly upset, Jon wants to do something but the commander tells him not to do anything stupid. Which is like saying, “Do something stupid.”
Taking the Commander’s advice to heart, Jon attacks a senior guard, who hates him just because he’s a fancy, rich boy. This is what guard dude wanted. For his hot headed acting out, the commander punishes Jon by sending him to his room with no dessert and no TV. Aw, Mom! Next we see him laying in bed all sullen until…dire wolf Lassie moment! “Ghost, what’s wrong, boy? Is someone out there?” Ghost is like, “Well what do you think growling and pawing at the door means…that I’d like to play Parcheesi?” Now, in this episode of The Walking Dead, Sherriff Jon walks into the bedroom and finds things amiss and then there’s a what? A Zombie. They fight. And the zombie ain’t dying. He’s getting back up and everything. Finally Jon sets him ablaze and we learn the zombies don’t like fire. Okay. Good to know.
Ain’t No Party Like a Dothraki Party. ‘Cause a Dothraki Party Don’t Stop: The Dothraki’s party includes stealing gold for ships and raping the women, because that’s how you’re paid under the Khal Drogo company benefits package…one rape for every gold shilling earned. Dany doesn’t like this whole raping of women….yeah, we knew that last episode, when Drogo laid out the company’s benefits in the large HR meeting he ran, Dany didn’t seem excited about the rape incentive. So she saves some of the women from this fate. Todd from Accounting runs and tells Drogo what his wife has done…you know taking away their rape paychecks. And Drogo looking gorgeous on his thrown of severed heads, panders to his wife and wants to know why she took away the rape payment? She explains, and Drogo finds this amusing, but likes her moxie. He tells Todd to get over it and play hide the hotdog on his own time. Only Todd thinks now’s the time to criticize Drogo’s management style. Mistake. In a short battle, Todd gets his esophagus and tongue ripped out. No exit interview or anything. Drogo is mildly injured in the battle, mostly by his own force, and Dany, playing loving wife, wants it cared for. One of the slave women offers and Dany accepts and then Drogo agrees while they bat eyelashes at each other. These two…the Blake and Crystal Carrington of Dothraki Dynasty.
You Think You’re Lucky, Punk?: Robb has summoned his team for a feast to start laying out strategy for war. He’s young so of course he’s going to be challenged. He’s called “greener than a piece of shat green grass” which I imagine is pretty green, and the dude doing the namecalling makes an aggressive move that Robb’s direwolf just isn’t having. He rushes and bites off a few fingers. Now the guy laughs this off while bleeding all over the place, and we get the impression that he respects Robb now. But for what? Robb didn’t sic the wolf on the dude. Wolfie just handled his biz. I kind of think that would mean that the wolf is the leader, no? Anyway, all’s good. They go back to their meatloaf.
Robb tells Brann that he’s leaving to do this war thing and bring back their father and that Bran is now head of the household since there should be a Stark at Winterfell always. I feel safer with Bran in charge, don’t you? Then enters the youngest Stark child, Rickon, who’s been absent most of the season, but yet he comes in and has this poignant moment about what will most likely happen if Robb goes to war, and we’re like, “Whatever little reality check urchin. Thanks, Game of Thrones, for this message sponsored by Jiminy Cricket.” War is hell. We get it.
Later, Bran is sitting by the God Tree or something and in creeps Osha, the Wilding chick who Robb captured. They talk a bit about Gods and prayers and such, but really, Osha, can you maybe figure out a little something about hair-brushing and overall hygiene…and speaking of which…PALE MALE PENIS just pops up out of nowhere! Bran shoos it away and it says, “Hodor” and runs back into the forest. Bran has just commanded his first act as head of the Stark house….banishing Hodor to find clothes.
No Hugs in Front of My Friends, Sheesh!: Catelyn finally finds her way to Robb’s war tent and refrains from hugging him in front of the entire group who’s playing Splinter Cell on Playstation. She can’t let her boy appear weak, so she takes a moment to hug him when they are alone. He tells her that he has 18,000 men at his back, and they agree that even in swearing fealty to that jackass on the throne, Cersei will probably have Robb killed anyway. So their only option is to fight, and then everyone, father, sisters, brothers, mother, could all still die…so Good Talk! Thanks, mom! Later, she tries to warn him against letting a spy go and showing mercy, but Robb thinks better of it and takes the time to tell the spy to bring a message to Tywin…that winter is coming and it has 20,000 men attached.
*Hey! Are either of you two even worried about Arya?!
Return of the Jedi Imp: Earlier, we found Tyrion walking along and bantering with his hero-for-hire, Bronn. He strikes a deal with Bronn that if he’s seen safely to his father’s camp many rewards lie there. Which is pretty much the same deal he strikes with the Hill Tribe that comes upon them later. We get the feeling that Tyrion buys his way out of everything. Is a Lannister coin worth double a non-Lannister coin? Perhaps. For Tyrion it’s either make promises, or be made to dance for children, and for some reason we think Tyrion would rather death than that.
The group sees Tyrion to his father…and lets just say the welcome is chilly. Tyrion tells his father, Sardo Numspa, from The Golden Child of the deals he’s struck, and introduces everyone by name, and their father’s name, until he gets to Bronn, who says, “Nah, you wouldn’t know him.” Heh, funny brute. Tywin tells the men that if they fight for him they will receive all Tyrion promised and more. They agree, but only if Tyrion fights too. Heh. These guys crack me up.
Cersei Trump Says You’re Fired: Cersei announces that noble knight Ser Barristan’s services are no longer needed. He should turn in his TPS reports, his stapler, and card key to Kings Landing. He can go live in a fishing village somewhere east of Fuckoffistan. In a quite dramatic display he snatches off his royal cufflinks and throws them to the floor and after little king Suckjoy chimes in with, “You let my father die. You’re too old to protect anybody.” Barristan leaves in a huff. Boy, Johnny, did you back the wrong horse, here. You give them your life several times over, and all they give you is public humiliation and a boat. Nice.
They ask if anyone else has a public display of embarrassment they’d like to get out of the way, and Sansa walks to the front of the stage. She asks for mercy on behalf of her father. Joffrey looks interested and wants to know why Ned would say he’s not king. He’s genuinely confused. And for a second we feel sorry for him, except that he’s a huge seeping jerkoff, and then we’re not anymore. Sansa says that Marley’s Ghost had been pumping Ned with Milk Poppies and that he wasn’t in his right mind. Joffrey seems to accept this, and says that there may be mercy for Ned if he says he’s the king. Sansa says with certainty that “He will.”
And we’re like Ned? Sure, he will. Robb, keep marching South, my boy!
Things will definitely get more complicated won’t they, Hodor?
“Hodor.”
For your reference, here’s the character infographic. Please note: As far as I’ve seen, there isn’t an infographic that shows the true biological identity of Cersei and Jamie’s children.
Via: Screen Rant
The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
