Amid all those Oh-My-Wonderful-Sainted-Beautiful-Mother posts today, I thought I’d throw something together for the rest of us, who give out of obligation, not love.
There are many things you can give a mother who threw you out of the house at nineteen, paid for your brother’s college but not for yours because he’s a boy and will need it more and now he’s 35 and still lives at home so fuck both of you and who refused to teach you to drive because you hadn’t earned it despite your being a good student and editor of the school paper and not having an arrest record.
Anyhoo.
Some suggestions:
Cheap earrings in nice jewelry box
This is very simple, and very evil. Pick out a pretty pair of earrings from your favorite street vendor or secondhand shop. Retrieve a nice jewelry gift box, one that you’ve saved from gifts others have given you. Present as expensive gift, perhaps as an exclusively-created hand-blown glass piece.
Bodega Flowers
Bodega Flowers! You don’t need to plan ahead. You don’t need to stop by your local classy florist or call 1800flowers.
Hideous Candle Holders
You see, you are telling your mother she is the light of your world. And then you can return to your own home and turn on a lamp.
Origami Kit
Origami Kit. If you give your mother a hobby, maybe she won’t always call when you’re trying to bang your husband.
What are your ideas?
