I have been consumed by the process of buying a house. This is my first time, so I was hoping it would all go easy on me, like it did when I was 15. But no. There’s been no large bottle of Jergens nor any friendly strangers. It’s been all Rodents on Treadmills, Circular Obsessive Thinking and, to top it all off, someone actually handed me a flyer tonight with the following quotation:
Anxiety is that range of distress which attends willing what cannot be willed.
Having found the reality of home buying much too overwhelming, I’ve chosen to retreat into fantasy. I know intellectually that I can’t rush through this process. I can’t enter the winners circle without first running the race. Try telling that to the part of my brain that makes future plans and designs, though; the part that cackles along with Dr. Evil when he holds his pinky up to his lip. Come to think of it, I would like some sharks with freakin’ lasers on their heads – and maybe even a hot pocket.
Nah. Sharks are too hard to potty train. What I really want is some of the following happy crap that I found in a magazine whilst I awaited the legal use of my portable electronic devices. You’ve probably heard of SkyMall. Not to be confused with SkyMaul. It’s chock-full of stuff that no one really needs at just above the price you can get the same items from Amazon. (I checked.) Still when you’re tired of your laptop on a long flight, SkyMall can help pass the time. If you let it.
The best part of SkyMall, hands down, is reading the product descriptions. I’ve been trying to discern a pattern so that I can determine if this is another job that will one day be replaced by a piece of software. So far it seems there is indeed an intelligence behind it all. I find that, if I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, I can be transported to a magical realm where Yeti, Bears and Zombies all frolic in the safety of my own backyard. A backyard made more resplendent by the water feature I’ve installed all by myself.
Technically that Yeti is the “Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture”. I prefer the term Sasquatch to Yeti but I suppose it’s more accurate. What’s less accurate, I’m going to go out on a limb here, is the fact that the Yeti Sculpture in question is a mere 28.5″ tall. Clearly this Yeti is underdeveloped and is either quite young or he’s going to really have a complex when the otter Yeti make fun of his short stature. Size does matter – to a Yeti – But I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective, really. For instance in this photo the waterfall in the background leads one to the impression of a much larger, fake Sasquatch doorstop. Statue. It’s similar to the overall effect of good manscaping making your junk appear to be larger. There have been plenty of studies on this.
Nothing says “My fence is in dire need of repair” like the “Catch of the Day Bear Statue”. I’ve got to hand it to SkyMall for teaching me the true meaning of the word ursine. I suppose I’ll file that over here with equine and piscine so that I can feel all smartypants. I can imagine the scene when my mother comes to visit and looks through the window, spotting this thing in the back yard. Only, I may actually need that waterfall in the background here since this is only 17″ high too. On the plus side it may or may not increase the believability of the Yeti. If this Bear alone isn’t enough you can always add the Pair of Bear Cubs, and go for that You’re gonna need to keep your hands and feet inside the car feel.
Where to begin on the the Zombie of Montclaire Moors. The description says this sculpture features “the most zombie-like eyes you’ve ever seen.” I’m thinking that Phillip Garrido holds that title in perpetuity and that I don’t want either Phillip nor this thing in my new backyard. The small print says this arrives in three pieces, which I find ironic for a zombie feature. I can image how my guests will say “Oh, I do love your Montclaire Moors feature!”
Back in the reality of realty, I’ve now received the inspection back on my soon to be new home. It was little alarming to see things like wood rot, fire hazard and Federal Pacific Breaker boxes in a report with four pages of addendum’s. My agent tells me that on a scale of 1 to 10 this scored a 9.5. Now I await an appraisal while signing 33 pages of a loan contract. I’ll probably write up something more servicey on this process, once I feel like I’ve understood anything about it. On the plus side all my coworkers and friends are coming out of the wood work (like termites) with offers to help out and congratulations. It does feel like I’m set to achieve the American Dream: A home I can decorate with all kinds of tacky crap.
