As someone who’s done their fair share of couch crashing, I feel I’ve become somewhat of I’m definitely an expert on being poor in New York City. Yes, I moved back home to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my failure of a life and, more importantly, be able to eat on a daily basis, but you know what? Being poor in New York rocks. Well, as long as you’re young, pretty and know the right people. The following may not work for anti-social uggos.
1) Be a Good Actor
Did you spend all the money your parents sent you on bagels and coke and now find yourself in the middle of Times Square at 1AM, in drag, without any way of getting home because you’re borrowing your friend’s bike and she went upstate for a few days and it’s locked away in her dorm at NYU?
It’s not a problem! You can’t hop a turnstile in this area, it’s too heavily policed, but while walking down 40th, give yourself a panic attack, walk into the subway station and start freaking out about how you just got mugged and mutter about how you used to think the Garment District was safe these days!.
The station operator will alert a police officer who will ask if you want to file a report. Say no! You just want to get home. He’ll ask you where you live. Say Brooklyn, off the G. He’ll feel bad for you and let you in. Congratulations! You have just conned your way to free transportation. Get home safe, buddy!
2) Know Your Parties
Have you not eaten in days? No worries, go downtown! I know, I know the Meatpacking is so five years ago, but, you know what? A lot of those clubs serve dinner, and they’re actually really good! I had some great burgers and a mind-blowing grilled cheese at Avenue one time. They have really good steak too, and, as long as you’re with a promoter, that’s all free, along with a couple bottles of vodka!
SoHo Grand’s been cutting down on their promoters and, my favorite (who no longer works there, unfortunately), the fabulous Sofia Lamar always ordered us fried octopus, pizza and fries. No food tastes better than free food.
It’s also a good idea to know which open bars work best for you. The answer to that? All of them. My favorite is the Vandam party which serves free vodka drinks for the first half hour. It’s my favorite because my friends and I have a system that nets us around 30 free drinks during that period.
2a) Don’t Discriminate
Forever 21 makes really cheap clothes, but if you ever get a chance to go to one of their parties, go. They throw the best damn parties. Champagne flowing like it’s water, hors d’oeurves of amazing quality that never seem to run out and gift bags with free clothes! And they’re always early! We finished around 1130, then popped up to Hudson Hotel for more bottles before heading downtown for yet more free alcohol and cute boys.
2c) Know Your Bartenders
I can’t stress this enough. Tip them when you have money and tip them well. You will be rewarded with free drinks after enough time. This one bartender shot me a missed connection after seeing my most terrible karaoke performance of all time in Williamsburg and while I never got to his bar because it was all the way in Greenpoint (seriously people, I just don’t do the G late at night. It’s traumatic. I’d get off the A and walk to get home), I have drink tickets for when I’m back in New York because we stayed in touch.
3) Sleep Around
Explore the city by letting others explore your body. You don’t have to sleep on your friend’s floor every night! Just meet a cute guy and go back to his place. After all, you have an insane roommate, so you obviously can’t go back to your place! Finally, a good night’s rest!
4) Be Into Art
Did you know that you can get into the Met for a penny? Surely you can scrounge up a penny. That will give you hours of air conditioning during those sultry, summer months.
There’s also a gallery opening every night, and you know what’s at those openings? Free food and booze.
5) Be Social
You never know who you’re talking to. It might be the owner and then you might get more free booze. Happened at B.E.S., happened at B.East, and, basically, it can happen anywhere. Everything from cocaine to Patron to Margiela can be yours for free as long as you’re a social butterfly who knows how to work the game. It’s not easy, but you can do it! I know you can! Get out there and enjoy being young and poor in New York City! To be in poverty is to be in bliss.
