Gawker Dating, Part I: Your Hair Is So Soft

It was only a matter of time, really. Put together thousands of Internet people who only like talking to other Internet people and eventually everyone was bound to want to sleep with each other. Enter #GawkerDating, a portal to the weird wide world of weird wide people; some of whom sound awesome, some of whom sound terrifying, and all of whom haven’t seen someone naked in a while.

It started off promising, which shouldn’t have been a surprise–it’s fun for cute people to let other people know they’re cute (or so they tell me)–but, in the true tradition of Gawker, the weirdos eventually set in, creeping in like fog on little lolcat feet. Ultimately, everyone ends up in one of three categories: Bangable, Bangable Enough if Nothing Else Pans Out, and Holy Fuck, How Do You Function on The Same Planet as the Rest of Us, You Psychotic Wildebeest?! Fortunately, a great number of brave commenters included pictures along with their posts, allowing us to easily differentiate.

Now, sadly for us spectators, the GawkerDaters were largely lacking in hideous wildebeests, but because it’s important to always look on the bright side, this post will pay homage to some of those commenters looking for love who also display extreme Bangability. Let the games begin!

In this corner, we have cronus’s kids, a journalist currently living in Georgia who appears to be in his 20s. I mean, let’s face it, the guy is afuckingdorable, and I’m not the only one who thinks so, as evidenced by the one million replies to his post. Now, you want to have sex with that guy, don’t you? WELL YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE DESPITE HER TOTAL LACK OF INTEREST IN PARTICIPATING, I WANT HIM TO MARRY SLIM, SO GET OVER IT.

Now, moving on to the ladies, we have the appropriately named WickedCurves, who–I state against my better judgment–looks kind of like the result of me having sex with Aubrey Plaza and producing a child with a much better version of my hair. But then again, she’s my if-I-were-a-lesbian type, so I’m a little biased. Granted, she’s a little geographically undesirable for most Gawker readers, but I admire any girl who calls herself out as “thick,” especially on the heels of a bunch of male commenters whose pictures reveal them to have a combined weight of 350 pounds. Negative points for selling herself short for not being so smart, but bonus points for the excellent makeup application.

And where would a Gawker dating site be without a sexy man looking for another sexy man, in NYC, no less? That’s why we give thanks to the Lord or whoever for puddingcupbeard, a sweetheart who loves his grandma so much that he’s included her in his post, ostensibly to find her a GawkerGeezer. (She’s W4M, in case you were interested.) Grandma cramping your style? Then check out this second post of his, in which he actually manages to look even hotter despite the lack of arm candy. Of course, you may have to fight Betty for him, but oh sorry wait I just got a mental image of Betty and puddingcup wrestling and my head got happy and what was I writing again?

Oh, right–hot people in convenient locations. Can someone please bang this guy and videotape it? Sweet, thanks.

Stay tuned for Part II, when we’ll talk about dating phrases to avoid based on those employed by GawkerDaters who will probably remain single forever as a result!